Overcoming the fear of failure

    One of my very favorite things is having one on one conversations with people.  It could be just sitting in the living room drinking coffee together, catching up on the latest news while driving in the car. Sometimes great conversations happen in group settings when you're able to focus in on one person and chat.  Not matter the case I just love it. I like small group talks as well, but they're just not the same.   I love the light hearted talks where we shoot the breeze, I love it when we laugh so hard I get a belly ache and my cheeks hurt.  And then there are the deeper conversations where you learn more about one another, challenge each other and dig a little bit into what makes that person them.  This has to be my favorite of all.  Where you get to discover something new about the other person or even yourself.
     Several weeks ago I was lucky enough to have  one such conversation.  While attending a group function I got to talking with a long time friend of mine. As we talked he asked a question that caught me off guard.  He asked me "Michelle, what are you good at?"  This is not a question that is easy for me to answer.  I prefer to answer questions like "What do you enjoy doing?  or What are some of your hobbies?"  When answering either of these questions there is no fear of being found a fake.  I can like to draw whether I am good at it or not, that's not the question.  But to ask what I am good at felt very vulnerable.  I thought about this for a moment and then responded "Connecting with people, baking, ...and writing."  "That's interesting" he said, "because the order that you put those 'connecting, baking, and writing' is the same order of effort required to be good at them.
     This simple discussion and the feelings in evoked have been things I have thought about over and over in the weeks since.  Why, for example, did it make me so uncomfortable to admit things I thought I was good at?  Immediately I remembered a scene from my high school years flashing through my mind.  I was on the swim team from age10 to age 18.  At first I was on the swim club and then later on the high school team.  Unlike many sports the swim team is year round, five days a week.  I took this more like options.  Swim when you want, stay home when you don't.  I averaged 2 - 3 times a week.  I loved swimming and had many friends on the swim team, these are good memories.  I wasn't the most determined swimmer, or the fastest, but I wasn't bad either.  I had decent form and can swim for a long time.  Although I wasn't amazing, I was a much better swimmer than my friends who just swam for fun and I was proud to be a swimmer.  In high school we had around 70 swimmers, split up into Varsity and Junior Varsity, but in a more fluid manor.  We all swam at the same time in the same pool and different ends of the pool, doing different work outs. The JV did something totally different than the Varsity, but their was a third group of about 6 -8 swimmers that did kind of a modified version of the Varsity practice.  We still worked with the Varsity coach, Jason, the same coach I had for 8 of these 10 years.  During swim meets the JV would do an event, just for fun, not for points, and then the Variety would swim the same event and the 1st ,2nd, and 3rd place finishers would get points for their school.  I usually swam the JV events and preferred this, as I could usually win these events and given a choice I would rather win an easier event and earn no points than lose a harder event and still get no points.  However, in order to letter in Varsity you needed to get at least 3rd place in a Varsity event, so Jason usually put me in a relay or something so I could letter. (At the time I didn't know this was how you earned a letter, but just the I usually swam JV but sometimes swam for Varsity.) It worked out well.  However, my senior year came and toward the end of the season I still hadn't swam in a varsity event.  He finally put me in one, but I had a bad case of bronchitis and though I came to the meet anyway I wasn't swimming well and had another friend swim in my stead not realizing this was my only chance to letter.  (I found out about the system later.) That night we had an award ceremony where every senior is recognized.  When my name came up I expected Jason to say a few words, but to my surprise it was the JV coach who spoke. What he said was something like this "Michelle....I don't really know her....she's graduating this year."  I was mortified.  Coach Ryan was someone I had never talked to, probably not even once. Although I was technically JV I had always worked with  Jason.  I didn't expect anyone to say what an amazing swimmer I was, but I do think I contributed to the team and after 10 years to hear something like this (and to not letter, when I always had before) was humiliating.  Still sick I went home and slept through most of the next day.  Mid afternoon I got a phone call from Jason apologizing for the mix up, but it was too late.  My identity as a swimmer was shattered and I felt like a fraud.  It wasn't until this recent conversation and  thinking all this over that I realized why this had hurt so much. It seems I have always believed that If I say that I am good at something and then someone calls me on it and says I am not, than that is true. That I'm no good and need to stop kidding myself.  It has taken almost 19 years to realize that this is not true.  I don't become a good swimmer because someone says I am, neither do I become a bad swimmer because I am told I am.  Swimming for me had never been about winning.  It had been about enjoying swimming, being with friends, encouraging one another, and working hard. This had always been what made swimming a success for me.  Yet in that moment I allowed someone who didn't know me to inadvertently make something that had been so positive in my life feel like a failure.  I allowed that.  All these years since whenever anyone mentioned me being a swimmer I was apologetic about it, feeling the need to say that I wasn't a very good swimmer.  And this isn't true.  I was a great swimmer, I wasn't the fastest, but that wasn't my goal, I was the swimmer I wanted to be, and a strong one at that.
       So when my friend asked me what I was good at, I think I felt that in saying I'm good at baking or writing there might be someone who then would say "Really? You think you're good at that? Because you're not." And then it would be true.   But now I realize that even if someone were to say that it would not necessarily make it true.  However, when that fear comes up it makes me less likely to do these things I love, but choosing not to do them doesn't make me any better at them.  In my head to be skilled at something meant it came effortlessly, but maybe I can be good at something and still have lots of room for growth. That means that I can be good at something and still have failures.  The failures don't prove I'm bad, but give me the information I need to improve.  Wow, I needed to know that.  If we are so afraid to fail that we don't try then we will never be good at anything. Not only that, but we will miss out on some many positive experiences whether we ever become "good" at what we're doing or not.
     The fear of failure paralyzes us and keeps us from growing.  This is not where I want to be, and not where I want my kids to be.  I want  my kids to feel free to try and fail and grow.  And so I must do the same.
       What are lies that you have been believing in your life and what would it look like if you simply decided they weren't true?

When our expectations don't measure up to reality

     

School is here, parents are thrilled, and school supplies abound.  I am not left out in that number.  What was once a somewhat sad time of year for me as a child, having to leave the freedom of summer to head back to school, is now a time to rejoice.  Two of my four children are once again going back to school, in schools I love, with wonderful teacher who are offering to teach my children for a while school year and leave me with a lot less to deal with.  This is great, and I'm happy for it, however this year felt more complicated somehow.  You see, last year Mikaiah started the 2nd grade and Sequoia, who had turned 5 on July 1st started Kindergarten.  I was thrilled, and so were they.  Sequoia loved her teacher, her class, and (most days) loved going to school in general.   However, it soon became apparent that she was not thriving as we had hoped.  Sequoia has always had "big feelings" and struggles to reign them in.  In short, she spent much of her time at school throwing tantrums and working on calming down, which didn't leave her a whole lot of time to learn.  Half way through the year it became pretty clear that she was well behind (emotionally and academically) the rest of the class and would not be ready for the first grade the following year.  Seth and I talked about it with the teacher throughout the year and agreed that holding her back was the right thing to do.  Of this I am 100% sure we are doing the right thing.  When she found out she would get to go to Kindergarten again Sequoia was thrilled (much to my relief.)

2018-2019

2019-2020

      As the time went by and summer came people started to ask "Will Sequoia will be in 1st grade this year?" To which I would reply "Actually, she's going to be repeating Kindergarten."  People were always supportive, even thanking me for being able to see this need and being willing to hold her back.  Many of our children are pushed ahead when they are not ready and it can be very detrimental.  I am happy to help Sequoia be where she needs to be, this is not a struggle for me.  What needed to be done was clear, and we are all okay with it.  We are so happy to be of the same mind as both her teacher and school counselor in this regard, it helps a lot to be on the same page.
      However, as the first graders went back to school (they start a few days before the kindergartners) I found myself surprisingly emotional.  Here on my facebook feed were the pictures of all Sequoia's classmates going back to school, joining the first grade, moving on.. and here we were, once again, waiting for Kindergarten.  I wanted to cry.  Actually, I did cry.  I drove to my friends house and buried my head in her shoulder, still totally unaware of why this was so hard for me.  She held me and cried with me a little bit, and then we all ran errands together. That's what real friends do I think, they listen and encourage and then walk beside you (quite literally sometimes) just so you know you're not alone. 
     I have had to process this whole thing quite a bit, but eventually I came to the conclusion that it really wasn't because Sequoia had to repeat Kindergarten that I had a hard time with, but rather what that represented  Parenting Sequoia is an immense pleasure and also the biggest challenge of my life.  We have been in an extremely difficult parenting phase with her for basically her whole life!  She has always been quick to throw fits and lose control.  She either takes directions perfectly, or not at all.  Running and screaming (happily) through the grocery store disregarding everything I say or do is not uncommon.  She's definitely getting better, but she is quite exhausting to raise, to be quite honest.  I wouldn't trade her for the world, but I would love to see her conquer some of the things and areas she struggles with so, and seeing her here in Kindergarten, AGAIN, just somehow burst something in me, something that felt a bit like defeat. The disappointment of not being where I thought we would be (parent and child) by this point.  The feeling of so wanting my child to succeed in taking control of her feelings and reactions so that she can learn, and grow and enjoy life to it's fullest. The feeling that we are never going to get past this point, that she will remain in Kindergarten forever (even though I know it's not true.) Recognizing that it is okay, and valid to feel this way has been a relief.  
      Although our situations are all different I think at some point most of us experience things like this.  Something that no matter how hard we try we just can't seem to get past.  The frustration, hurt, and feelings of inadequacy can be overwhelming.  These are the times that I turn to James where he says (James 1:2-4 )^" Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.   Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
       So although we are not through it yet, and I am sure there are more tears to come I choose to consider this a Joy, knowing all that it is doing in me and in my daughter as well, developing perseverance and shaping us into the people that God made us to be.  In this I find hope.  Hope and encouragement to keep moving forward.  Kindergarten 2.0, here we come!

Child rearing is like lifting weights, the more you have the more you can handle.

        As I write this I am sitting in a coffee shop, Jack Johnson playing in the background, a half eaten snickerdoodle next to my laptop and my youngest child playing happily with the toys while people chat happily all around me.  Bliss.  My three older children are all attending a local Vacation Bible School and will attend yet another next week.  To all the churches and volunteers that choose to entertain my children and teach them about Jesus while I enjoy this much needed down time I am eternally grateful.  Thank you.  Just one child, every morning for two weeks!  It's like a vacation, practically like having no kids at all!  That's how it feels now at least.
        A couple of years ago, pregnant with my fourth child and totally exhausted I was sitting around a table at a mom's group talking to a first time mother.  I answered her questions the best I could, but realized even as I did so how jaded I had become.  In my head I felt like "You're just having one baby!  No worries, you've got this.  If I could only have one baby again it would be a piece of cake, no whining!  Of course I didn't say these things, but I felt them.  Not because I had any animosity towards the mother, or even because her questions were over the top (they weren't) but simply because I was treading water myself and could not lift my head up enough to remember the struggle of adjusting to my first child.   Even at the time I remember telling a friend later that day, "I think in a few years I will be a wonderful person to go to for advice, but right now I just feel jaded and sarcastic."  I was too deep in the mire to bother turning around.  As I predicted, every year I feel more and more capable of lifting my head and seeing what others are going through and am able to offer at least a listening ear if not a word or two of sound advice.

       You see, child rearing is like weight lifting.  When you start from nothing anything feels like all you can handle.  As time goes by and you adapt, your child grows older and more independent, you adjust.  Then you add more children and you adjust again, just as you would add more weights the stronger you get.  (For those with just one or two children they experience this too, as each age brings new challenges, but it feels different I would imagine.)  At the point where you have several children, having a break where you only have one child can feel like such a relief that it can be hard to remember the early challenges you faced.   The danger here is undervaluing the struggle someone else is going through because it's no longer (or never has been) your own struggle.  Some people do have a really easy first baby while others are extremely difficult. Not to mention where the parent is coming from in the first place.   For myself, although pretty prepared for day to day baby care through much experience and training (early childhood ed. degree, years spent working as a full time nanny, babysitting as well as teaching) I still struggled a bit.  Nursing didn't go like I thought it would and the weight of having to bottle feed when my daughter was just a few months old was immense, not to mention hours and hours of crying late into the night for no apparent reason.  Time went by and she got easier, and then we had another and so it goes.
      Right now I find myself in a sweet spot.  Life is much simpler in many ways.  My children sleep through the night, they feed themselves and play independently, yet I still remember when they didn't.  We still have hard days, rough trips to the grocery store and find ourselves in desperate need of a nap.  Sometimes I need the nap more than my kids.  I still gaze longingly at moms sitting in beach chairs at the public pool reading books, all the while trying to keep track of all my little ones.  And yet often I hear these moms say, "I remember when my kids were so small and so much less complicated.  I can't wait until they are out of the house."  We can spend our time looking back to the past, forgetting our struggles or always looking for the next easier stage, but if we do either of these we won't ever really learn to enjoy where we're at.  My advice?  Remember where we've come from and the struggles we've overcome so that we can more appreciate where we're at in life as well as have compassion for others. And one day maybe we'll be able to help them out as well.   Oh, and just so we're clear, I am still so distracted by life that I wrote this two months ago and am just now posting it.  What can I say?  Life with kids.  Busy, messy, and simply wonderful.

Learning to enjoy where I'm at, instead of just longing for where I'm headed.

    As the school year wraps up and we head into summer I have spent quite a bit of time reflecting on this past year and what I have learned.  Every Tuesday morning I attend a mom's group where 60 or so mom's gather together without children (they have an amazing child care program) and spend time learning and growing together for the next two hours.  Every year they have a theme and this years theme has been "First things first."  Learning to put first things first so that we have more time for the secondary things.  I believe that prioritizing is important for everyone, but as a scattered mom with way too many roles, I am finding it absolutely essential.  The first thing you have to do when you prioritize is recognize what the things are that are most important to you and what that looks like.  It's easy to find myself responding to the loudest need around me rather than the most important.  Even as I write this one of my two cats has gone missing.  I have a long to do list today but all I want to do is go look for my cat.  However, I know my cat.  She goes to the neighbors, she eats their food and then eventually, she comes home.  My cat is probably fine.  So I will continue with my well thought out list, and if she's not home this afternoon then I will walk over to the neighbor's house and look for her.  I'm okay with that. So, most likely, is she.
     Besides prioritizing this year another thing I have really been working on is learning to express gratitude for the things I normally take for granted.  I don't want to wait until It's too late to appreciate what I have.  For example, I want to enjoy my children while they are young instead of waiting to regret not doing so later.  Yes, they are needy.  Yes, they wear me out.  They also bring me great Joy.  My heart aches just at the thought of them growing up and moving on.  Yes, this time is intense, but it's also wonderful.  My family is in a sweet spot right now and it is important for me to recognize that because it helps keep me from taking them for granted.
     My parents are really quite exceptional, and I can't even think about what I'm grateful for without thinking of them.  My dad worked long hours for Evergreen Avionics, often traveling as well.  I honestly don't know how my mom did it with four young children and my dad gone for weeks at a time, but somehow she did.  When I think of my childhood however, I don't think of all the times my dad was gone, I remember the times he was home.  I remember him coming how from work, exhausted but happy to see us and then watching him eat dinner and then go wash the dishes so my mom wouldn't have to.  I remember him playing catch with me out in the front yard on summer evenings, and going to breakfast at Tommy's on Saturdays.  I remember dump runs followed with milkshakes at Alf's Ice Cream.  (Eating out of any kind was a rarity, so this was particularly special.)  I remember hiking up to Multnomah Falls with my whole family and feeling like it really was waaaaay to far to hike.   I remember going to church together as a family and praying together at the kitchen table.  What I don't remember is how tight it must have been financially at times, or how much my dad was gone.  Why?  Because my parents focused on what we did have rather than what we didn't, and taught us to be present.   These are traits I take to heart and try to implement into my own family.
     The last thing I have been focusing on a lot lately goes with this one as well.  It's contentment.  Choosing to be satisfied no matter our circumstances. Recognizing my blessings (even when they come in the form of struggles) and choosing to be content.  I am trying to stop looking at everyone elses "green grass" so that I can see my own.  The definition of Contentment says "a state of happiness or satisfaction."  I think that satisfaction is a more appropriate term, since happiness is a fickle thing.  I think sometimes you start with choosing to be satisfied or content with your circumstances and happiness comes out of this decision.   I live in an amazing little cabin of a house.  I absolutely LOVE it.  It fits our personalities like a glove.  However, there is a lot of work to be done on it.  We bought it with the intention of fixing it up, and like many things, it is taking a lot longer to even start that process than we anticipated.  It's easy for me to start looking and around and only see what I want to change rather than what I already have.  This only breeds frustration and stress in our home.  When I start looking at our home with eyes that appreciate its beauty and the love that is shared here I am filled with Joy, Peace, and contentment.  That's where I want to live.  I used to feel that if I chose to be grateful with where I was choosing not to move forward or improve at all, but I don't thing this is true.  Instead I think you just learn to enjoy the journey, which is after all, what life is all about.  Love where you're at, instead of just longing for where you're headed.

Update: Less than 10 minutes after posting this, Stella wandered into the laundry room to eat her breakfast, no need to worry.

Being enough.

      Every morning, Monday thru Thursday I wake up at 5:00 am and leave the house at 5:20 to get to my 5:45 workout on time.  This workout is one of the only things that I am almost always on time for, in fact, I am usually 5 minutes early, but not today.  Today my alarm didn't go off.  Today I didn't wake up until Seth started talking to me and I realized it was 5:22.  For about 15 seconds I seriously considered going back to bed.  It was too late.  I didn't have enough time, and I wasn't feeling great.  I probably shouldn't go... But I had loosely planned to meet a friend at that class, a friend who didn't normally come in the mornings and I felt obligated to be there in case she came. Besides, I really should go, I told myself.  So, I jumped out of be, threw on my clothes and ran out the door at 5:27 as my husband handed me a hastily brewed cup of coffee.  He can be a Saint sometimes.  As I drove to Burn Bootcamp I forced myself to calm down after the frantic rush out the door.  I pulled into the parking lot a mere 3 minutes late and took a spot at the back.  My friend was not there, but that was okay.  It got me there, and that was enough.  I was just glad I wasn't super late.  For the next 45 minutes however, that's about all I was grateful for.   You see today was a partner workout day, something I usually love, but which can also be a challenge.  By now I have quite a few friends and people I am very comfortable with in this class, people whom I usually partner up with.  Being with someone I know makes me a lot less self-conscious, especially if I have to modify a lot or if I am struggling due to my asthma.  Today however, several of these people were gone and the others were paired up already.  No problem, I don't mind meeting new people.  Indeed my partner today was a very sweet, kind woman who was about 1/2 my size and twice as fast as me.  Normally having a faster partner is not a big deal because you're usually having one person do one exercise and the partner does another and after a certain number of reps, or amount of time, you switch.  Not a problem.  Today was not like that.  Today almost all the exercises relied on one another.  From doing toe to toe sit ups, to linking arms behind your heads (on the ground) and doing dragon flies (where you lift up your legs and back straight into the air.)  There were three other partner exercises to do per round, and then you would both do sprints outdoors before starting over.  The first round went okay, though I had to push myself a little to keep up with my partner it wasn't a huge issue.  Then came the sprints.  Sprinting almost always sets off my asthma and true to form, as I finished my first lap I started having difficulty breathing.  I tried to pace myself but was already so winded from pushing myself earlier it was no use.  I did half of the sprints and took a breather (using my inhaler and catching my breath) before my partner came back.  We sat down to start over with the sit ups but I can barely do them without my toes being held down (our feet were pushed together, but not held down) and after about five I stopped trying to keep pace.  After about 8 I stopped all together.  I was losing it. The thing is, as difficult as it can be to balance working out with asthma among other physical limitations,  the bigger battle is in my head.  Once I start having difficulty breathing all these insecurities come flooding in.  Feelings of not being good enough, fast enough or in shape enough.  Feelings that I don't belong and should stop trying.  These feelings, plus my workout and my asthma attacks combined have an almost paralyzing effect on me and almost always leave me in tears.  How humiliating.  Today was no exception.  As I lay there gasping for breathe (I was more worked up than having an attack at this point) my trainer came over to check in with me.   She took me aside, helped me calm down and told me not to worry about letting my partner down. Then she helped me modify the workout to fit my needs.  She is wonderful, compassionate and yet is able to help you get back in the game while still taking care of your body.  I was able to push aside my embarrassment and finish the workout with just a few modifications.   As I drove home I was trying to figure out why today was so hard, what had triggered me so much that I hadn't been able to keep hold of my emotions.  The workout was hard, but not that hard...it was my mental state that had pushed me over the edge.  As I drove I began to cry again, feelings of frustration and of never being able to measure up to my own standards flowing off me as steadily as my tears.  It's easy for one thought of inadequacy to bring up piles of others.  All sorts of lies flowing through my head.  Never pretty enough, never healthy enough, patient enough with my kids, or a good enough parent.  Never able to fully follow through with disciplines I say I'm going to do, and on and on these thoughts went.  And then I heard it.  The song I'd been listening to on Pandora broke through my thoughts and finally I could hear the words.
 "Only you satisfy, only you satisfy, only you satisfy, my soul...Oh, oh my soul, thirsts for you, you alone."    As I listened to the song and my heart filled with worship the lies left me.  I am not enough.  I will never be enough on my own. I was not meant to be.  But the one who made the stars in the sky, the earth and the seas made me. He made me in his own image and he made me to be in relationship with him.  He made me to need him.  And he made himself  enough for me, and when I am resting in him, I too am enough.  Just as I am, just as he made me, I am enough.  When I rely on him, and his strength as I am meant to do I am more than enough and measuring up to anyone else doesn't even matter.  And just as quickly as the fears and insecurities had filled my mind, they left. They left, and peace filled my soul.  This is how Jesus speaks to me.  In a million ways, through a song, a friend, or a trainer.  And when I can quiet myself enough to hear what he is saying I hear him and my doubts and fears fade away.
   I will not pretend I am the only one who struggles in areas such as these, we all do. The issues might be different, but we all have things we struggle with.  I don't think anyone really likes to talk about the things that are really hard for them, and I am no different.  I'd rather throw on a brave face and pretend it's no big deal.  Then I have days like today where I burst out crying in the middle of a workout (truly embarrassing by the way) while everyone else just keeps doing their thing.  Hard to hide that, but it is easy to pretend it didn't happen, but not really helpful.  Avoiding issues doesn't fix them or make them go away, especially when they are so deeply rooted in fear and self-worth, or lack of.  I hope that by sharing my struggles it resonates with some of you, reminding you you're not alone.  Reminding you of your true identity, that you are a child of God (whether you believe in him or not) and that you are enough.

Spring is near

It's a warm spring day and as I sit on our porch with the sun shining on my face, ignoring the sounds of nearby traffic speeding along the highway just about 20 yards away.  For the Joy I feel I might as well be on a tropical island.  There are very few things that could make today feel better.  It's amazing isn't it?  The way the sunshine change your outlook on life?  I am an Oregonian born and raised.  I love it here, and I don't hate the rain, for the most part take it in stride. In the fall I welcome it with open arms even,  but there's something about the middle of February that has me yearning for a warmer climate.  Some wonder why we Oregonians don't just move somewhere warmer, like Southern California (and some do) but to be honest, I don't want the weather to be just slightly different versions of the same thing all the time.  I love living somewhere that experiences all four seasons, in a rather mild way.  Our summers can get pretty hot, our falls cooling down with a lovely show of changing colors and our winters are right around freezing with lots of clouds and rain, and occasionally a little snow.  Then sometime in late February or March we start seeing the sun more and more and the flowers start shooting through the ground.  Just as I am starting to lose my mind with the dreariness of it all Spring comes in to save the day.  It's  simply wonderful.  This 70 degree breezy day would be nothing to me if I lived in San Diego, I wouldn't think anything of it, or might even complain of the wind if I hadn't just experienced the gloom of Winter.  I can only imagine how magnified that feeling is for people who live much colder places that have "real" winters.  It's amazing how positively sunshine seems effects everyone it touches.  You go to the store and people are smiling and greeting you happily.  People wait patiently while you cross the road and strangers wish you a good day as you pass them by on the sidewalk.  Parks overflow with families who've been waiting for months for days such as these.  Cats sun themselves on porches and dogs wag their tales as you pass.  If it didn't happen every year it would seem nothing short of miraculous. 
     God sure did know what he was doing when he created seasons, and not just the physical ones.  As much as we hate change and difficult times they really do help us to appreciate what we have and bring out hearts of gratitude as difficult seasons pass and more pleasant ones come around the bend.  They help us to grow and challenge us to persevere.  They give us opportunities for delayed gratification and spur on hope for what's to come.  It's easy to feel excited about the coming more pleasant times but also important to recognize the good that happens in us during those dormant periods, both in physical seasons as well as personal seasons of hardship.  It is necessary for the old to die away and the land to rest in winter.  We can't see new growth without this pause.  At a time when it looks as though nothing is happening, so much is going on beneath the surface.  Deep down in the dormant places of our lives change is made and new life is forged.  So if you're experiencing winter, either physically or emotionally/spiritually remember the importance of this season and put your Hope in the one who never fails us but promises that spring will come again.  And if you, like me, are exalting in this new season don't forget to be grateful for the one we're quickly leaving behind.  Contentment in all things.  If I can live a life full of gratitude, contentment and love and faith, I believe I cannot lose.

"You sure have your hands full" and other unhelful comments you can avoid

       So you're at the store standing in the checkout line and there's a woman in line with several children bouncing all around.  She glances back your way and you chuckle to yourself and then say the first thing that comes to mind, "Well you sure have your hands full!"  Wait.  I know this might seem harmless, and sometimes it is, but please don't.  I have been hearing this statement almost everytime I go to the store since I was pregnant with my second child.  Seriously.  "You're sure busy aren't you?" Is another favorite. Now, while neither of these are the worst things to say to someone, and I can certainly understand why someone might say them, I am here to ask that next time you're tempted to, please just don't.  It's not that they're extremely rude things to say, most of the time it doesn't bother me at all.  I just smile and nod.  But the thing is that though it doesn't usually bother me, it really isn't ever helpful either, and sometimes, depending on my mood and how the trip went and how my children are acting as well as the tone of voice the person uses, sometimes it can actually be rather hurtful.  Not on purpose, I know, but sometimes it makes me feel as though we (my children and I) are too much.  That my children are louder than life and that we are somehow intruding into this persons space.  Maybe we are a little, but please just get over it.  In a minute we'll be gone and you can move on with your day.  I have noticed my oldest daughter starting to look embarrassed when she hears these kind of comments. Yes, my children have good days and bad days, loud days and quieter days, and days when they are driving me absolutely nuts, but I don't ever want my children to feel as though they are too much or that it would be better if they just weren't here.  I may prefer to shop alone, but it's not usually possible and this is a public place they are absolutely allowed to be, and they should be treated that way.  If there's a tantrum going on please just ignore it or go to another line.  I know that having four kids these days can feel like a lot to some people, but it's my choice. A choice I have (clearly) already made and will not be changing.  Although you might not be saying "you have too many children" or even meaning it, it sure can feel that way, especially if I'm feeling extra vulnerable for some reason.  This happens a lot. 
       When someone smells bad I don't comment that "Laundry's really hard isn't it?" That would be rude, I wouldn't dream of doing it.  Commenting on someone's children and how busy they can be can feel just as rude. Yes it can be a struggle, yes encouragement can help, these comments aren't encouraging.
       Here's the thing, there really are things you can say or do that are just as easy as saying "you've got your hands full" that are actually helpful.  Here are things people have said to me that have been helpful and/or encouraging. I have heard most of these several times, and they are always helpful.   "I've been there, hang in there Mama, you're doing great!"  "Your children just put a smile on my face."  "What sweet children you have." (That last one was said on a good day.)  "You've got a lot of helpers there!"  "Can I help you bag your groceries?" (This happened at Winco and pretty much made my day.)  Several times people have noticed one of my children drop something and have turned to pick it up for me, this is also very helpful.  I would encourage you not to ever touch another persons child (you think this wouldn't happen, but it does.) It's usually done while trying to soothe a baby, but it's not appropriate if you don't personally know them.  You can try to calm a child by talking to them, but be aware of their response and/or body language.  If they seem concerned or upset by your attention I would encourage you to stop.  My children have been both soothed and consoled by adults talking to them as well as frightened.   It doesn't hurt to try (talking to them that is) but just be aware of their body language as well as the parent's body language.  The goal is to help, not upset them more.
     The other day after a particularly challenging trip to Safeway I had pushed the cart to the entrance and was trying to gather everyone together to leave, it was pouring rain outside and my son would not sit down in the cart. I was feeling more than a little flustered, though actually remaining outwardly quite calm. A middle aged man who had been in line behind me came up and was getting ready to go out as well, I still wasn't ready so I tried, awkwardly, to move over so he could leave.  He looked at me, smiled shyly and opened his mouth to say something (here it comes, I thought) but what he said caught me off guard.  "You're an amazing mom" he said, and then headed out.  I choked up and almost started crying.  All my insecurities and frustrations hand been momentarily shut down for just a second.  It was as if he said "Hang in there, you've got this." That's what it it felt like he was saying and I needed to hear it. I was having a rough day, and as experienced as I am at shopping with kids I was not feeling at all amazing at this moment and yet he had seen something there, in my effort to hold it together and not explode (that's all I can think of anyway) and then comment on it and in about half a second he gave me the courage to go out the door and not feel like a complete failure.  This is the impact you can have on someone, mom's with melting down children (and even with happy children) are as easy to encourage as they are to deflate - they just need a little understanding and compassion, and a little  patience with them doesn't hurt either. 
    Parent's with young children are not the only ones out there who need encouragement, we're just the easiest to spot!  Having these positive experiences has encouraged me to look out for that person in need of a little boost.  Maybe it's someone who looks a little down and I take the time to compliment their outfit, or the checker who's frazzled from a busy day and rude customers.  All it takes is a moment to turn around someone's day, in the store and out.  While it's often easy to overt your gaze or make a neutral to negative comment to someone who seems to be struggling, I would encourage you to take just a moment to A) notice these people and B) make a comment that simply let's them know you care. Or simply smile. This is huge. Sometimes it's all I need to see. 
     You never know how much those words might mean to that person.  And when you're having a hard day yourself and just can't handle anything else and you see "that" family coming towards you in the isle and you just can't face it,  rather than responding negatively I'd encourage you go to another isle and come back later! Sometimes I wish I could switch isles (or lanes) too, but I don't have that choice. You do.  You're welcome.

Letting go of bitterness

   Lately I have been thinking a lot about bitterness, and how it eats away at us.  Probably most of us have met someone we would describe as a "bitter or resentful" person and I seriously doubt that you think of them as a particularly pleasant person.  No one has goals of becoming bitter, it's not something we strive towards.  You never hear someone say, "I wish I was more patient, and strong, bitter."  Just the word brings unpleasant thoughts to mind (unless referring to beer, and even then it's matter of taste.)  The interesting thing about bitterness is that it usually starts as a hurt or wrong towards this person.  You would think that since they are the victim, not the aggressor, that they would feel justified in their "righteous anger,"that it would be a fair response to poor treatment.  Often we do feel justified in our anger and resentment, but that justification doesn't bring with it the health we seek, instead it brings just the opposite.   It brings a corruption of spirit that destroys us from the inside out.
    So, where does bitterness and resentment come from and how can we stop it?  The answer is both simple and extremely complex.  I believe that we can only get rid of bitterness by doing what we refused to do in the first place, by forgiving.  I think sometimes we feel that a person doesn't deserve forgiveness, and they probably don't, but that is not the point.  It's not really about them, it's about us and where our hearts are at.
      In Matthew 6:14-15 it says "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."  
       That's pretty intense.  Harsh even, one might say.  However, I don't think that God says this just because he wants to be mean, I think we says it because when we live with unforgiveness in our lives we invite evil to live inside us and he physically cannot be around evil, it is against his nature.  If we want to be people filled with Love it it is imminent that we be free of unforgiveness. 
        Forgiveness is hard.  It can be painful because it requires us to bring up past hurts and to let them go.  I have often heard people say "If you knew what I've been through you wouldn't ask me to forgive them" but I think that speaks even more of the need to forgive.  The bigger the thing we are holding onto the more power it has over us.
      Here's the problem though.  We might know we need to forgive, we might even be willing to forgive, but we just don't know how to do it.  We all know that true forgiveness is much more than saying the words "I forgive you."  It's unlocking those hurts and digging them out by the roots.  I think we start with the words and then ask the holy spirit to change our hearts.
       What if you are still being hurt by this person?  That's a tricky situation.  I think it's important to differentiate between forgiving and trusting.  We are called to forgive everyone, but we are not called to trust everyone.  Sometimes forgiveness means that while we forgive someone we still must remove ourselves from this cancerous relationship.  It might be temporary, or it might be permanent.  I think sometimes all we can do after we have forgiven, and offered this forgiveness to them if necessary, is to pray for them.  It may seem like it would take a miracle, but God is in the practice of miracles.  He also is the King of restoration.  He loves to fix broken things and broken people and to make them whole.  And that is something worth rejoicing over.