Tuesday, May 16, 2017

This morning

This morning I was going to wake up early.  This morning I was going to sit down in my favorite chair and have a cup of coffee and read my bible, write in my journal and soak in the quiet while enjoying the warmth of the pellet stove.  This morning did not go as planned.   While I did wake up earlier than normal, it was not early enough.  Sequoia beat me to my favorite chair and Mikaiah was close behind.  Not giving up yet I got them breakfast and poured my coffee.  Stirling woke up and I started over, dressing, feeding, cleaning up, etc.  I helped Mikaiah get ready for school, gave her a kiss and waved goodbye as she got in my friend's car for her ride to school.  I relented and handed Sequoia the ipad to watch a show and thought "Now I will have my quiet time, I will get it done!"  And then Stirling came.  He climbed on my lap, bouncing around and demanding my attention.  I diligently ignored him and read my devotional.  He grabbed my journal and pen and started writing in it and I almost scolded him, but did not .  He elbowed me and pulled the sunglasses off my head (they serve more as a headband than sunglasses on days like today.)  I felt frustrated and turned to put him down and then he looked at me with a huge smile on his face, silently begging me to let him stay.  And I did.  I put down my book and let my coffee grow cold.  I pushed out of my mind all the things I "should" be doing.  I took a selfie of us cuddling together and started to post it, and then put that down too.  I was present.  We giggled and laughed and I picked up a book to read to him.  Then I picked up another.  I didn't rush and I didn't look at the dishwasher, still waiting to be unloaded.  I ignored the shoe under the coffee table and the blankets waiting to be put away.  We enjoyed each other's company, and then, and only then, after a good twenty minutes or more Stirling climbed down and went to go play.  Then I picked up my journal and contemplated the morning, and this is what I wrote:
Father,
    Today this is what my quiet time looks like.  It looks like sacrificing my own agenda to love on my son.  It looks like scribbles and bent pages.  It looks like patience.  It looks like knees kicking me accidentally in the stomach and wet kisses on my cheek.  It smells like oatmeal and sour milk.  It sounds like happy chuckling and feels like memories being made.  It looks like love.  And today it's enough.  

This morning did not go how I planned, it went way better.  I didn't do what I thought I should do, but I did what I needed to do.  I didn't have quiet time, but I felt the Lord's presence more clearly than during most of my quiet times.  I was able to put myself and my own expectations out of the equation and the Lord met me there. My house is still not clean, and I don't care.  This morning was a good morning. 

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Choosing contentment inspite of our circumstances

     Another year has come and gone, and with it the familiar vents of "what a horrible year that was, hope this next one is better."  I don't believe the year ever really ends without this, for we have an uncanny ability to forget the good and to see only the bad always wishing things were better, but unable to see very well when they are.
      Every year is different and holds its own challenges;  personally, politically, and globally. Every year natural disasters happen, people die - some of them famous people, most of them not, but affecting us all the same.  Scandals abound and people in high up places make bad decisions.  Some of them effect us directly and some of them have the potential to, while others simply hang over us like a shadow.  People are elected and removed from election, laws are changed and bills are passed.  For better or worse, these things effect us.
        People are also born.  Kindnesses are shown.  Memories are made.  People show love and care even to those they don't know and lives are changed.  People meet.  People fall in love.  People marry and new families begin.  Babies are born  and change those families in amazing ways as they live, learn and grow.  Milestones are met, life changes are made.  Consequences abound, both from the decisions we make as well as the decisions made by others, resulting in circumstances both good and bad in our lives.
        This is the journey we are on.  It's called life.  Over the ages it never really changes much, though the circumstances of it do.  The reality  is that what this new year offers us is one part new situations, challenges and blessings and 3 parts how we respond to those situations.  The sum of these parts is eventually how we end up feeling about how the year has gone, and how we feel about our lives in general.
      Personally, the more I focus on the negative things that have happened, are happening or (worse yet) could happen the more negative my perspective becomes and the more gloomy my future looks.  However, I have an opportunity in these exact same situations to choose to listen to the holy spirit and ask for his guidance.  I can choose to love instead of hate.  I can choose to serve instead of asking to be served and I can choose to bless instead of curse. 
       Being justified in bitterness or resentment doesn't mean it's a good idea.  Though it may seem deserved those are not the things that bring restore life, they just draw in more bitterness and unforgiveness, slowly eating us from the inside out.   Instead, by choosing daily to forgive, to have hope, and find joy in our circumstances, we bring about contentment. Contentment changes our lives from the inside out as well, but instead of eating us up it brings forth a joy and love that mere circumstances can't take away.   The kind acts of strangers helping out at a grocery store, a lovely picture drawn for me by one of my daughters, a fun evening playing cards with friends, or an encouraging card in the mail just when you need it most. Choosing to look past our own circumstances and to reach out to others naturally puts us in a place where we are more able to receive and appreciate the blessings that already  abound in our lives.   Looking around to see what God is doing in my life and asking him how I can take part in it,  these are ways I find joy, contentment, and life in a changing world full of uncertainty and despair.
      I recognize, even as I write this, how blessed I am to live where I live, with the opportunities that I have and the family, friends and community I have.  We have a warm home, plenty to eat, a decent job, and lots of good friends and support.  We live in a country where we have a lot of freedoms that many do not. We are indeed blessed.  Maybe it seems easy for me to talk about being content when I have so much to be thankful for, but wherever you're at, in whatever circumstances, I still believe that how we approach the every day situations and the attitude we have towards them makes all the difference.  How can people who have almost nothing still smile and give generously of the little they have?  By choice.  No matter  who we are, where we live or what challenges we face, we will never fully understand those who are not in our own position, or what challenges they face and how they affect them.  Something that is difficult for me could be super easy for the person next door.  We are all different and affected differently even by the same situations.   All we can do is look at where we are at and ask ourselves what it means to choose to be content in our own circumstances and to fully appreciate what we do have instead of always longing for that which we don't. 
      So as we enter this new year my prayer for each of you, and for myself, is that we would truly be able to see all that is offered to us and to live lives full of gratitude, love and hope.  The God I serve is bigger than my circumstances and is worthy of my trust and my faith.  He will not let us go. Wishing you all a year full opportunities to love and by loved by others,  and hearts that are able to receive all that is so lavishly given to us.  May you be able to see beyond the circumstances of the moment and see all there is to be  grateful for.  Happy 2017!  Below are just a few of the everyday moments I'm grateful for from this past year.











Friday, December 16, 2016

The fruits of the Spirit VS. The fruits of Michelle trying really hard

      Over the past few months our church has been studying the life of Daniel.  Several weeks ago we broke into groups and were supposed to think of something from the chapter we'd covered that week that we wanted to try to specifically put into practice.  As I had been listening to the teaching that night, one of the things that really struck me was how Daniel is described as having an "excellence of spirit."  I pondered what this looks like and came down to the fruits of the Spirit as described in Galatians 5:22-23  "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."   I have always prayed for these attributes to be present in my life and the lives of my children.  If I really want to love people unconditionally with a pure love as Jesus did, and as I wish to be loved, these would be evident in my life.  However, this is easier said than done, as these things do not come naturally to us (as humans living in a fallen world, that is.)  I decided for this particular week to focus on two of these attributes in particular, kindness and gentleness - specifically with my children.  
    As I woke up early the next day to have a little quiet time and to pray I asked that the Lord would help me to be kind and gentle with my children, and it didn't take long for me to have opportunities to practice.  Almost immediately my children were awake, demanding, and making messes and taking too long to do simple things and generally testing my kindness in a myriad of ways.  It showed me just how unnatural it is for me to respond gently to my children.  As situations continued to arise I would start to fail, be reminded and do a little better.  This continued throughout the day and the next few days, but as the week began to wear I began to exhaust myself.  I felt so very aware of my own inadequacies to excel in even just these two areas of loving my children (and others.)  I felt completely overwhelmed at the thought of trying to focus on even these two attributes, let alone the others.  Oh boy.  With a sigh of exasperation I brought the verses to mind again, and all of the sudden something struck me.  Something that is so obvious I can hardly believe how all these years I have overlooked or ignored it, and yet it's in the very first sentence: "The fruits of the spirit are:"  Wait. These are not just things to strive for, focus on and with hard work, eventually master. I believe that in and of ourselves that is an impossible task for we are imperfect people.  No, I think I've  had it all wrong, that's not what this is saying at all.  It is saying that these things are fruits. (Obviously.) One of the definitions of fruit, as defined by Merriam-Webster is "the effect or consequence of an action or operation."  So then I re-read that first sentence again.  The "fruits of the Spirit are..."  This sentence is referring to the holy spirit that is given to us, as believers in Jesus Christ to live inside us.  Just this morning I was reading in 1 John 3 and in verses 23-24 (of the Message) it says "Again, this is God’s command: to believe in his personally named Son, Jesus Christ. He told us to love each other, in line with the original command. As we keep his commands, we live deeply and surely in him, and he lives in us. And this is how we experience his deep and abiding presence in us: by the Spirit he gave us."   
       So here it seems is the first piece.  I, as a believer am commanded to believe in Jesus, to love others and as I keep these commands I live deeply in him, and he and I and I experience that by his presence in me, his spirit.  And the fruits (effects of) his Spirit living in my life are
love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,  gentleness and self-control.  
        Up until this point I feel that I have, by and large been trying to separate these things.  I love God believe in him, and try to show it by having these attributes in my life, these which I am continually striving-and failing.  The failure here would seem to be because I am trying to do them on my own strength, and these are not fruits that come from Michelle trying hard (though sometimes I come up with a half decent imitation before failing) but by focusing on loving and serving God and letting him fill me up with his Holy Spirit and shine through my life.   We are independent people.  We love to prove ourselves.  We however, are weak people.  We were made weak to exemplify our Father's strength in our lives.  The more I try to prove my self, the harder I fall, but the more I focus on him and asking him to live through me the more I allow his Spirit to take over my natural instincts (which fight against selflessness and all these things) and to truly love and serve those around me.  I feel like this is just the beginning of a new revelation in my life, and hopefully in my way of living.  Things I have always known, yet continually seem to forget.  May the Lord be continually glorified through my weakness.

Monday, October 10, 2016

Choosing gratitude

     The warm sun shines down on me and I smile as I walk along, my children laughing and playing nearby, and I am thankful.  Today is not this day.  Today I wake up with a severe sinus infection and a throbbing headache which has been my constant companion these past 36 hours and which simply refuses to go away.   I reach across the bed and pick up my phone, quickly checking my email and then sighing to myself when I see that my plea for someone to cover my shift in the Preschool co-op Sequoia attends has been unsuccessful and I will have to throw together a snack of some sort for nine hungry preschoolers and face a day I'd rather just ignore.
    As I contemplate all this I hear a pained cry coming from down the hall where Stirling wakes from a restless sleep, where he too is fighting this discomforting cold.  I glance at my watch, 5:45 and with a slight groan turn on the light and fling my feet to the floor in one swift movement, simultaneously saying goodbye to the warmth of my sheets and turning to greet the day in what fashion I have yet to decide.  
      My head throbs as I heat a bottle of milk and change my sons diaper, hoping he'll go back to sleep and I can have a few moments of peace.  I hand him the bottle and breath a sigh of relief as he settles back into his bed, asleep almost instantly.   I scuffle down the hallway, say goodbye to Seth as he heads out the door on his way to work and fill a mug with some hot coffee.  Turning on the pellet stove and just enough lights to be able to read I sit down in a cozy arm chair and try to make sense of the day before me.   My constant sniffling does little to stem the continuous dripping of my nose and a small pile of tissues stacks up next to my coffee cup and bible as I make a decision.  A most important decision it is, though almost as important is the fact that I recognized this choice in the first place - usually I don't even get that far.   The deicision is this: to either embrace the miserableness of this day, to curl up in the comfortable and smelly blanket that is self pity, a thing so cozy I hardly even notice how sick it's making me and wallow in my sad circumstances.  This is my default.  But at the corner of my mind another option begs to be heard.  It makes its way known as the Tylenol I took begins to take effect and my pounding headache moves to the back of my head, and I am thankful.  Its name is gratitude. Gratitude, as defined by google is "the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness."
       I take a bite of raisin bran and glance at the book lying on the stool next to me "One thousand gifts" by Ann Voskamp a book about thankfulness, and I consider.  I consider the fact that my children (usually awake by now) are still sleeping, and that my coffee is still hot.  My house is warm and though I have much to do, and don't feel like doing it, there is perhaps more to be grateful for in this moment than there is to be frustrated by.
     My children wake up and we rush through the morning, getting ready for school and the rest of the day, and though I have now become nauseated as well as congested (this caused more by my 18 week pregnancy than anything else) I notice the clearness of the day and the fresh fall smell in the air, and I smile.
        As the day goes on I have moments of absolute misery, where I give in to the frustrating circumstances and focus on how uncomfortable I am, but mostly I make a point of noticing the beauty around me and all the things I have to be thankful for.  Even as I write this my child cries and as I go to help him I notice three baskets of laundry waiting to be folded. Uggh.  Then I pause.  Three baskets of clean, dry laundry, and I am grateful, and my day continues.   I keep writing this blog and then my computer goes glitchy and it gets deleted. All of it.  And I write it again.  The battery drains, but we have electricity and a plug to charge it.  Much to be grateful for.
       The funny thing about gratitude is that it is virtually impossible to express sincere thankfulness and gratitude while wallowing in self pity.  You must choose to abandon the latter and focus on all the blessings in life instead of the irritations in it.  Maybe that's the real trick, that with one you cannot have the other.  As I choose this less obvious, more intentional choice I noticed a change, not in my circumstances exactly, but in my attitude.  I was more patient, despite feeling sick, and less given to agitation.  In short, choosing to be thankful changed my entire attitude, which ended up turning around my entire day.  I even think that as I chose not to focus so much on my afflictions I began to physically feel a little better as well.  
     Everyday we are faced with all kinds of situations and choices, but we can always choose to look around for the blessings in our lives and choose to be grateful.   In doing so we might even inspire those around us to remember the things in their own lives they are grateful for.  We serve a good God who is faithful and deserving of our thanks.  Let us remember to do so.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Loving others in a world that has forgotten how to love

    As I think about how the world has changed since I was a child, a seemingly much simpler time and age I sometimes get overwhelmed and dismayed, especially as a parent.  How, in this world of instant gratification, of watered down morals, and "do whatever pleases you" messages do I teach my children to love relentlessly.  To trust the Lord speaking to them more than the world?  To hear his quiet voice amidst the thunder of this world.  To live humble lives, surrendered to the Lord.    The only answer I have is the one the Lord seemed to choose to teach us, by example.  He sent Jesus to live on this earth and show us how to live.  He lived selflessly.  He lived uncompromisingly. He lived a life of total surrender to his father and full of love and compassion.
    The other day I was having quiet time and I randomly (not really of course, the Lord knew just what I needed) turned to 1 John 1:10-? I have read this many times before, but this time it had a profound impact on me.  The entire chapter, really. Reading it in the Message it says "This is the kind of Love we are talking about - not that we once upon a time loved God, but that he loved us and sent his son as a sacrifice, to clear away our sins and damage they have done to our relationship to God. My dear, dear friends if God loved us like this, we certainly ought to love each other. No one has seen God, ever, But if we love one another God dwells deeply within us, and his love becomes complete in us - perfect love." 
       We live in a world that has taken the word "love" and watered it down to the point where it can be used as a mildly stated opinion.  "I love flip flops!" "I love to go hiking."  "I love hamburgers." Really?!?  I think it important to take a trip back to 1 Corinthians 13 to remind ourselves what he is really talking about here.  1 Corinthians 13:4-8A NAS "Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous, love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth ; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails. 13:12-13 "For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known.  But now faith, hope, love abide - these three; but the greatest of these is love."     Love is not just a fleeting feeling of joy, it is a way we live - selflessly putting others above ourselves without agenda.  This is how Jesus loved.
     As I think of all the issues we have today, hatred, greed, pornography, loose living, homosexuality, among others - I realize that though some of these come in different forms today, such as the internet, social media and other digital devices, they are also often supported by our government, schools and even some of our churches, even so these things are not new.  Ecc. 1:9 "What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun."     
      Jesus knew these people, these issues, these sinners.  He knew them. He loved them.  He called them to repentance, and (many of them, though not all) saw this and they knew that he loved them, and they loved him back.   In and out of the church we seem to have a huge discrepancy.  We often seem to either respond to sin with hatred "taking our stand" or we simply accept it.  Do whatever you want.  Jesus did neither of these.  He loved them. Loved them to the very core of their being, no matter what their decisions about him were, but he did not accept their sin.  He called them to "repent and sin no more."   We have a hard time doing this.  I have often thought of his example and wondered what is different, why we struggle so much to do this.  And today it hit me.  It's because we see this and then, of ourselves try to copy it.  But we can't.  God is love.  He is the only true love. And we can only love others with him in us. We can't do it on our own.  The great news is that we have his spirit living inside us, and we can love others as he does, with his wisdom and his power - we just can't do it on our own.  So, how do we do this practically?  We surrender ourselves to him day by day, moment by moment and ask him to guide us.  And when we mess up (as we often do) we just go back, and do it again.  We ask for his presence, his wisdom, his forgiveness and his love.  The only way I can teach these things to my children is to practice them myself.  One day at a time.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

It's all in the Journey

I have heard it said a time or a thousand "It's the journey that matters, not the destination."  Never, however, has that felt more true than this past week. 
     A couple of weeks ago Seth and I set out on an epic road trip with our three little ones headed to Iowa for the wedding of a dear friend.  I admit that I was a little apprehensive of taking this         4,500  mile plus trip.  Don't worry though, with Pinterest at hand I outdid myself with preparation.  I had the notebooks made up with little activities, I had the Ipad pre-loaded with movies, I checked out every age appropriate audio book from the library and even planned to drive at night so the kids could sleep at night.  I was ready.  And then we left.  At 10:20 pm on Tuesday we pulled out and almost immediately the kids were asleep.  It was working.  Then a rest stop came at 2 am and our children were all awake for the next two hours, and I'm telling you, they were not happy about it. Neither were we.  The seats were too straight, no one was comfortable no matter how many pillows they had and our journey had just begun.  We made our first stopping point around noon the next day and moved into the little cabin I had rented, giving Seth some time to nap while I took the first shift.  When it was my turn to nap however my two younger ones decided to join me.  It wasn't that bad, but I never rest as well with little ones all around.  Eight thirty came around (sooner than I had expected with the time zone change) and we were off.  Wearier than before, but still doing okay.   Our children stayed awake until 11:00 Pm and then woke again for a nightly crying time.  At 5:00 am we crashed in a hotel in Rawlins, Wyoming and had a much needed, though way to short rest, and by 11 am we were off again.  This time we continued on for about 20 hours before reaching our destination. Those hours were filled with tired, sometimes grumpy but determined parents and moody children.  Various struggles arose, such as a puking toddler and vomit covered everything on the side of the freeway - but we made it.  As we pulled into a laundry mat in Muscatine, Iowa completely exhausted but trying to recover I felt as though I never wanted to do another road trip with small children ever again.
     We were all about our destination, and we made it, but we missed something.  So after an absolutely lovely wedding and two days restoring my faith in road trips we headed back.  Seth had this great idea that we would take our time on the way back. I was wary.  I was not sure I wanted to make this last any longer than it had to, but I went along with it.  We arrived near Denver at my Aunt's house (as planned) late on the 3rd of July and spent the entire 4th of July hanging out with my Aunt, my cousins and my cousin's daughter, it was truly wonderful.  We slept late the next day and pulled out sadly at noon, sad to go so soon.  This time however we were only driving 6 hours or so, headed North toward Yellow Stone.  We took two days getting there and were in no hurry.  We enjoyed the scenery, and so did the kids. We (Seth and I) pulled out our headphones more and I put down my book and we talked. We laughed, we shared great moments together as a family, and we relaxed.   We were able to visit Yellowstone National park, which I had never seen and though we had to camp in pouring rain the night before we visited the clouds parted and we had amazing weather all day.  Byson and Elk guided us through the outstanding Park and as we joined the many tourists to view things such as Tower Falls and of course Old Faithful I found joy and peace as I was able to simply be present.  Even as we pressed on towards home the next day, taking one more long day on our journey the change in attitudes continued and showed me what it really meant to view life as a journey rather than a series of destinations.  I only hope that the next time I am faced with some such occasion I will remember to slow down, breathe, and soak it all in.  No matter what stage of life we are in, this is the only time we will be here.  Enjoy it.














Thursday, April 28, 2016

The art of thoughtfulness; more than just giving flowers

       Something I have been thinking about a lot lately is what it means to be a thoughtful person.  At first glance this doesn't seem like a very tricky question.  It's easy to do something thoughtful, write a note for someone, buy flowers, do the dishes for someone, etc.  We all know this, so what's the big deal?  Well, I think that thoughtfulness goes way beyond that. It is quite easy to be thoughtful without it being received as thoughtfulness.  This happens when the giver thinks of something they would like to have/do and not of what the receiver would want. I am sure at one point or other each of us has fallen victim to someone's attempts at thoughtfulness - the gift of a giant box of chocolate chip cookies when you've just announced you've given up sugar, the bejeweled sweater you will never wear, or a bouquet of flowers you are allergic to.  Sometimes when we get a gift we don't really want we are able to appreciate the thought behind it anyway. I personally (usually) feel so blessed when someone thinks of me and sends me a card or gift (especially out of the blue) that I would appreciate almost anything, just because I know they were thinking of me - though of course it's always way better when it's something you actually like/want/need.   Some people however, my husband included, just don't really appreciate gifts they don't like.  Nothing personal, he just doesn't.   Either way, if your intention is to bless this person (which, for the sake of this blog I am just going to assume that it is to bless them and not even address any ulterior motives) and you found out they didn't like/appreciate the gift you would most likely feel hurt or disappointed, and at the very least, as though you had wasted time/money and/or energy.  Many people have such a fear of this that they dread Birthdays/Christmas's/Valentine's Day, Anniversaries or any other "mandatory" gift giving event that gives them yet another opportunity to fail at showing love to one or more people.    Not to mention even thinking of giving/doing something for someone just because.
   I am not one of these people.  I love giving gifts/notes or doing something helpful for someone especially when it is just because.  When you give a gift/note with no strings attached for no other reason than you wanted to bless or encourage them, it really does show that you care.
       Doing little encouraging things has always come naturally to me.  I get it from my mom (who truly is the best and this) and I already see it in my daughter Mikaiah.  Doing something kind or encouraging for someone blesses me almost as much as it blesses them.  It's always made me feel good when people told me that I was thoughtful or kind, or a "really good friend."  These comments just made me glow - they still do, really.  They fill me with affirmation, reminding me that I am wanted, needed and loved and that what I do makes a difference.  Not everyone, however, feels this way.  For many people doing more than the minimum is way too much.  And that is totally okay, we are all different.  I will say though, that when I get a card or small gift from someone whom I know this does not come easily I feel extra encouraged and loved.
       I never had to think very hard about what might encourage someone, as I said, it came rather naturally, at least until I got married.  Then I got completely thrown through a loop.  Somehow I managed to marry the one person who didn't seem to appreciate these small efforts, it was so discouraging!  Seth and I got married almost seven years ago.  We had known each other since our early teens and been friends for several years prior, even though we only dated eight months before getting married.  In the beginning I tried extra hard to do things Seth appreciated, but they all seemed to backfire.  I would make a nice meal after I got off work, he would run in, eat on the counter and head downstairs to work on his truck or some other project, leaving the two table settings untouched and my feelings hurt.  When I saved up money to get him an Ipod for his birthday (back when they were a hot ticket item and the Iphone was brand new) he found out about it ahead of time, and upon opening it looked at it without saying anything for a long moment and then replied "I think I've decided not to return it." Never mind that he ended up using it all the time and was never without it, he was not immediately impressed with my sacrifice and thoughtfulness (at the time he didn't have any other music player or computer) and I was crushed.  I would write him notes and put his favorite snacks in his lunch and he was nonplussed.  (Though I do think he appreciated them somewhat, just not as much as I would have thought.) If he had a hard day and I asked him about it he acted super annoyed.  If I tried to help him with a project and didn't do it up to his standards, he'd get frustrated or annoyed.  I was stumped.   When I would ask him what he would like for his Birthday he would say things like "pipe clamps, a hitch for his truck, or a 50 ft. *snore*  chain."  These items were so boring to me I couldn't bring myself to buy them, so I continued to guess at things he'd like or appreciate and I continued to (often, though not always) miss the mark.  I was frustrated because of all the energy I was exerting to bless him and because it not only didn't seem to pay off, but if anything, make things worse.  On the other hand if I was having a hard day and needed an encouraging word it never seemed there.  If I was tired and the house was a mess and he would come up and give me a long hug while I was in the middle of sweeping the floor, it would down right irritate me.  It was like he was trying to sabotage me!  My birthday would come and go, and while I would have appreciated a heart felt anything, he seemed to always either do nothing/very little, do something late (take me to a movie of his choice the day after my birthday, or do something forced (take me out to dinner because our roommate told him he had to.)  While I could appreciate some of this, mostly I was left feeling unloved or unappreciated - even though I knew both to be untrue.  All I wanted was to feel loved and appreciated by the person I loved the most, and because he didn't know how to express it in ways I received, I was often disappointed.
    The second year we were married Mikaiah was born, and as Seth's first Father's day approached I decided to try something different...I got him something he wanted.  Imagine his surprise!I bought him a 50 ft 3/4 in. chain - even though to this day I practically fall asleep just thinking of that boring gift.  I bought it because he wanted it.  He asked for it.  I bought it because I didn't know what else to do, and you know what?  He loved it.  I mean he really loved it.  I had finally succeeded in doing something completely with him in mind, not something I thought was cool or that I thought he would want.  And the next Valentine's day you know what he did?  He carved me some of the coolest leaf earrings you've ever seen.  Slowly we were starting to get the hang of it.  It turns out that because of his own pickiness Seth was so afraid of giving the wrong gift he'd rather not give a gift at all, he didn't want to disappoint me, when all I needed was something, anything, to remind me how much I was loved, and by not trying he ended up with the result which had kept him from trying in the first place.
     These changes don't come easily, and there are things you can do from both sides to help each other out.  Show grace.  I have recognized that when Seth does something for me, even if it's going to a movie I don't really want to see, eating popcorn I don't really want and spending money I don't even want to think about, but he really is doing it for me, I need to be quiet, say thank you and remember that he's making an effort - something that doesn't come natural to him if he's not positive he'll hit the mark, and know that if I start complaining about things like this he will shut down and stop trying completely.  When I do this, I am (pretty much always) able to truly appreciate the gift he's given me.
     I have made a big attempt over the past few years to really listen to him and what he wants, even when it sounds boring to me, and get him the things he appreciates. (We both also have a cheat sheet now, which would be Amazon wishlists - they may not be a huge surprise, but at least it's something they want.  Something else we have done is to take the Five love languages test (which can be found here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/file/)  Although Seth and I had both heard of these for years and could guess what they were it really did help us to do this test together (one at a time, watching each others responses.)  It turns out that though I have always considered myself an affectionate person I actually got a 0 in physical touch, while Seth got an 11.  I scored highest in quality time, gift giving and acts of service.  Knowing these things about one another has really helped us to  become "bilingual" in each others love languages, meaning that not only are we learning to show love in a way that the other person receives it, but we are also learning to see and appreciate it when they are showing us love in their love language.  This has totally transformed the way I see things.  I am now able to recognize that when Seth was giving me a long hug while I was in the middle of sweeping he was not trying to "sabotage my productivity," as I really had begun to think he was, but was showing me how much he appreciated my efforts.  I still have to remind myself of this from time to time, but oh what a difference it has made!  Also, Seth has really started to reach out and help in ways I need him to and not just in the ways that come natural to him.
     We all want the people close to us to know how to love, comfort, and bless us, but it is not always natural.  This is a long, ongoing process, especially since we go through different seasons and sometimes the things we need change.  I think the most helpful things that Seth and I have done (apart from discovering our love languages) is to discuss what is helpful, and encouraging to each of us.  Having lunch foods in the fridge without him having to ask, and coffee and half and half on hand are two things that he really appreciates.  Sending texts throughout the day has been helpful as well.  Giving one another feedback, while showing gratitude for the effort put out is huge.
     Whether it is your spouse, your children, or a friend thinking specifically of what would be helpful and appreciated by them instead of just doing what you would think is nice is really the key here.        Also, I have to say that whenever I hear someone say how they don't do anything for Valentine's day or some such expected holiday because "it's a commercial holiday and I shouldn't have to do something  and I can do something anytime to bless them" I roll my eyes.  This is the biggest cop out I have ever heard.  This only works if you really do something for them on a semi-regular basis (say once or twice a month) and if they really, truly wouldn't be at all disappointed if you did nothing.  I can't actually think of anyone who would rather you do nothing for a "obligatory" holiday than to do something, though I can think of a few people who would rather not have much, if any, money spent on one.  This is not a problem, since  many of the nicest gifts are free, such as a thoughtful letter, digging up the garden plot, or making dinner, but it is worth noting that (almost) all gifts worth giving cost something, whether in thought, money and/or energy.  If it costs you nothing to give,  it tends not to mean that much to the receiver.
 "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:32

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

PerSpectivE


      On New Years Eve Seth and I had just packed up the car after spending a few lovely days in Central Oregon, staying in a yurt at Tumalo State park, and were heading over to the coast for a New Years Eve party with some friends...until our Yukon broke down before we even left the campground.  Oh brother.  It was freezing cold, we had to wait almost an hour for the tow truck to come and tow us to our friend's house in Bend.  Seth got a part to fix it, but it didn't work so we borrowed a car and headed home (being way to late to go to the coast.)  I woke up in the morning with a crazy head cold and severe headache, and Seth had to go back to Bend to get our car.  What a way to start the year!  My mom came down for the day to help out and I was hoping to be better the next day so I could attend a family gathering, but to no avail.  Seth took the kids and I stayed home in bed.  The next day we got the diagnosis for my car and it wasn't good, the engine was toast.  By this time I was feeling physically and emotionally spent, but the Lord had already begun to change the way I saw the situation.  Instead of seeing it from a negative perspective, I had begun to look at it in a new light:
    Seth and I were in Bend with a Yukon that had 209,000 miles on it when it broke down.  Two minutes later and we would have been on the highway headed over two different mountain passes with very little cell service and very icy roads.  Not where you want to be with a car loaded with kiddos and dropping temps.  Also, our road side assistance only covered towing up to a certain distance and we probably would have had to pay more to get it towed.  Instead we got to go back to our friends cozy warm house (the tow truck just happened to be big enough to fit all five of us) and borrow our friends Tahoe (big enough for our whole family) so we could get home.  Then my mom happened to be available (and willing) to help watch the kids when I got sick.  The next day when I was still sick and had to miss the family gathering I had the most relaxing, enjoyable time resting in my quiet cozy house.  It was wonderful, even though I was sick.  Also, my in-laws had been lending Seth their Suburban before he got his truck, but we were going to return it a few days earlier since he'd gotten his truck already, but we never got around to it.  My in-laws were generous enough to let us continue to use it until my vehicle could get fixed.   One week later my Yukon had an engine with only 115,000 miles on it and was ready to go.  Throughout this whole experience I have been continually reminded of God's faithfulness in our lives.  Perspective.  Our point of view, and how changing it can change everything.  That is what this has taught me, and to make sure I was paying attention, one day before I got my Yukon back Seth's Truck (a 2008 Dodge Ram which he had for less than two weeks) had the transfer case literally fall OUT while driving along, ruining the tranny in the process.  I have to admit, this knocked the wind out of me.  What is going ON?!? I wondered.  This repair was not going to be cheap (yes, mine was quite cheap in comparison) this one was closer to $6500.  Ouch. But once again God showed his faithfulness and we were able to borrow the money to get it fixed.  We owed too much on it not to.  This time I was looking for all the ways he was providing for us, and I began to see them right away.  My car got fixed the next day and we still had my in-laws suburban.  More than that though, this has made Seth and I question where we are putting our time, money, and energy.  It has made us really stop and ask "Okay Lord, what are you saying to us and how do we need to respond?"  It has prompted Seth and I to both make some habit changes (getting up earlier, working out together everyday, and stop eating refined sugar for a year.)  I feel like Seth and I have connected in a way we haven't in a long time.  We are starting to pray together more and trying to spend more focused time with each of our kids.  I admit I do hope our string of expensive surprises is over for a while, but when things come up (and they will) I will try to look at all the ways (big and little) that God is working in my life.   I feel very blessed.  If you feel overwhelmed and stressed out I would challenge you to ask the Lord to change your perspective and see all the ways he is providing for you.  Look and see what the Lord has done!

Sunday, January 3, 2016

To know and to be known

     Some people love getting to know new people while others are terrified at the thought.  And then there are people like me.  I enjoy getting to know new people, but have a sometimes crippling fear of rejection.  What if they see how weird and quirky and lame I am and scoff at me?  What if I say something dumb.  What if I don't know what to say at all.  Why would they want to be my friend when they're so pretty and kind and put together, and I'm...just imperfect little me. When I'm surrounded by people I already know love and accept me it's easier for me to meet new people and to open up.  However, when I am the new one in a group I can come across as very quiet and reserved.  Anyone who knows me will laugh at that, but it's true.  I have a fear of not being loved and accepted for who I am.  I think I am not alone.  
      When I was a single young adult, thinking about the idea of finding a future spouse, I remember having a deep desire, almost above all else to be known deep down, inside and out, all  my good things and bad things and all the quirky things that make me me and to be accepted and loved unconditionally anyway and to know him in return.  There was a deep fear within me that I would never find this, for as many great friends as I had had before I had never had to be as transparent and vulnerable as is necessary for a healthy, loving  marriage.  I had even run from relationships in the past for fear that if they really knew who I was I would not be loved and accepted but would end up hurt and rejected.  I both feared being known and longed for it. So I did the only thing I knew to do and rejected them first.
     Then I met Seth. Again. For the three hundredth time. (The first 299 times I wasn't interested in him, but then slowly came around.)  We got married and immediately understood one another completely. Not.  No matter how hard  you fall for someone or how quickly (though as mentioned before I did not fall in love with Seth instantly, but in a much more gradual and beautifully slow process.)  And that's what it is, a process.  To know someone inside and out is not a static thing.  It is constant.  It is an ever growing, ever changing thing to know someone as they are and as they change.  It is a beautiful, intentional and unintentional thing. I love that. The moment I stop opening up to Seth is the moment he will begin to lose who I am.  I need to both let him know me, and seek to know him as well, and for him to do the same.  This is how we grow together.
 
        I believe that we inherently have a need to know others and to be known.  I once told that to a friend of mine, but she disagreed with me.  She told me that she had worked extremely hard in the past to keep others from knowing her, that she did not want to be known.  This is often true.  We get hurt so much that we decide it would be better not to be known than to be rejected and hurt. I don't think this changes the fact that we are made to know others and to be known however, but it brings up the complication that comes from living in a fallen world.  In order to be known we must chose to be vulnerable.  I  think that deep down we do all have a need to know and to be known, but that fear of being let down, hurt and used causes us to mask this and build our defenses.  We think we would rather be alone and be protected than be known and be vulnerable.  But what if we knew that we would be loved, accepted and cared for?    The only one that we can really trust in this way is Christ.  The one who has known us from the beginning. "For you formed my inward parts, you knitted me together in my mother's womb. Psalm 139:13"  And again in 1 Corinthinas 13:12 "For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known."   
   
        I believe we are known (loved, and forgiven) by God, whether we want to or not, and that we are made to know him and to make him known to others.  I believe this is, quite possibly, our primary objective.  I think that sometimes as believers we jump into "sharing the gospel" before we have really begun to "know him."  And that is a fatal mistake.  For when we begin to understand his nature, which is pure unadulterated love, we cannot then honestly adhere all the hatred and judgement, and misunderstanding which we tend to have towards unbelievers, to his name.  For this is not of him.  He somehow loves us unconditionally, despite all that we are, all that we believe or don't believe, and all that we have done, right where we're at.    And yet he does all of this while not compromising even an iota.  He simply draws us to his side and calls us to repentance. To turn from our old ways.  He knew we would not understand this and sent his son as an example of how we should live, and yet this is still incomprehensible to us.   And because we cannot comprehend it we insert our own ideas, feelings, and judgements, in his name onto all those who do not yet know him, often causing them to have no desire to know this God,  and definitely not desiring to be known by him.
         These two ideas (wanting to know others and be known; and knowing the Father and being known by him) may seem rather separate ideas, but I believe they're intricately connected.  I believe that God uses our  relationships on earth as a tangible example of his love for us.  We show his love to others when we make him known, and we make him known by knowing, loving and accepting those he has put in our lives.
         So where does that leave us?  At the beginning I suppose, where we let down our guard little by little, trusting the Lord to have his way in our lives and allow ourselves to be known by others and in return to begin to know them as well.  To love others outside of our comfort zones and open up the places we have left so well guarded.
     I once had a great friend who was truly gifted at getting to know others, no matter their age or background and this is how she did it; she listened.  She asked good questions and she listened to them, she really heard what they had to say.  People want to be heard.  They want to be known.  I do to.  They might just not know it yet.