"You sure have your hands full" and other unhelful comments you can avoid

       So you're at the store standing in the checkout line and there's a woman in line with several children bouncing all around.  She glances back your way and you chuckle to yourself and then say the first thing that comes to mind, "Well you sure have your hands full!"  Wait.  I know this might seem harmless, and sometimes it is, but please don't.  I have been hearing this statement almost everytime I go to the store since I was pregnant with my second child.  Seriously.  "You're sure busy aren't you?" Is another favorite. Now, while neither of these are the worst things to say to someone, and I can certainly understand why someone might say them, I am here to ask that next time you're tempted to, please just don't.  It's not that they're extremely rude things to say, most of the time it doesn't bother me at all.  I just smile and nod.  But the thing is that though it doesn't usually bother me, it really isn't ever helpful either, and sometimes, depending on my mood and how the trip went and how my children are acting as well as the tone of voice the person uses, sometimes it can actually be rather hurtful.  Not on purpose, I know, but sometimes it makes me feel as though we (my children and I) are too much.  That my children are louder than life and that we are somehow intruding into this persons space.  Maybe we are a little, but please just get over it.  In a minute we'll be gone and you can move on with your day.  I have noticed my oldest daughter starting to look embarrassed when she hears these kind of comments. Yes, my children have good days and bad days, loud days and quieter days, and days when they are driving me absolutely nuts, but I don't ever want my children to feel as though they are too much or that it would be better if they just weren't here.  I may prefer to shop alone, but it's not usually possible and this is a public place they are absolutely allowed to be, and they should be treated that way.  If there's a tantrum going on please just ignore it or go to another line.  I know that having four kids these days can feel like a lot to some people, but it's my choice. A choice I have (clearly) already made and will not be changing.  Although you might not be saying "you have too many children" or even meaning it, it sure can feel that way, especially if I'm feeling extra vulnerable for some reason.  This happens a lot. 
       When someone smells bad I don't comment that "Laundry's really hard isn't it?" That would be rude, I wouldn't dream of doing it.  Commenting on someone's children and how busy they can be can feel just as rude. Yes it can be a struggle, yes encouragement can help, these comments aren't encouraging.
       Here's the thing, there really are things you can say or do that are just as easy as saying "you've got your hands full" that are actually helpful.  Here are things people have said to me that have been helpful and/or encouraging. I have heard most of these several times, and they are always helpful.   "I've been there, hang in there Mama, you're doing great!"  "Your children just put a smile on my face."  "What sweet children you have." (That last one was said on a good day.)  "You've got a lot of helpers there!"  "Can I help you bag your groceries?" (This happened at Winco and pretty much made my day.)  Several times people have noticed one of my children drop something and have turned to pick it up for me, this is also very helpful.  I would encourage you not to ever touch another persons child (you think this wouldn't happen, but it does.) It's usually done while trying to soothe a baby, but it's not appropriate if you don't personally know them.  You can try to calm a child by talking to them, but be aware of their response and/or body language.  If they seem concerned or upset by your attention I would encourage you to stop.  My children have been both soothed and consoled by adults talking to them as well as frightened.   It doesn't hurt to try (talking to them that is) but just be aware of their body language as well as the parent's body language.  The goal is to help, not upset them more.
     The other day after a particularly challenging trip to Safeway I had pushed the cart to the entrance and was trying to gather everyone together to leave, it was pouring rain outside and my son would not sit down in the cart. I was feeling more than a little flustered, though actually remaining outwardly quite calm. A middle aged man who had been in line behind me came up and was getting ready to go out as well, I still wasn't ready so I tried, awkwardly, to move over so he could leave.  He looked at me, smiled shyly and opened his mouth to say something (here it comes, I thought) but what he said caught me off guard.  "You're an amazing mom" he said, and then headed out.  I choked up and almost started crying.  All my insecurities and frustrations hand been momentarily shut down for just a second.  It was as if he said "Hang in there, you've got this." That's what it it felt like he was saying and I needed to hear it. I was having a rough day, and as experienced as I am at shopping with kids I was not feeling at all amazing at this moment and yet he had seen something there, in my effort to hold it together and not explode (that's all I can think of anyway) and then comment on it and in about half a second he gave me the courage to go out the door and not feel like a complete failure.  This is the impact you can have on someone, mom's with melting down children (and even with happy children) are as easy to encourage as they are to deflate - they just need a little understanding and compassion, and a little  patience with them doesn't hurt either. 
    Parent's with young children are not the only ones out there who need encouragement, we're just the easiest to spot!  Having these positive experiences has encouraged me to look out for that person in need of a little boost.  Maybe it's someone who looks a little down and I take the time to compliment their outfit, or the checker who's frazzled from a busy day and rude customers.  All it takes is a moment to turn around someone's day, in the store and out.  While it's often easy to overt your gaze or make a neutral to negative comment to someone who seems to be struggling, I would encourage you to take just a moment to A) notice these people and B) make a comment that simply let's them know you care. Or simply smile. This is huge. Sometimes it's all I need to see. 
     You never know how much those words might mean to that person.  And when you're having a hard day yourself and just can't handle anything else and you see "that" family coming towards you in the isle and you just can't face it,  rather than responding negatively I'd encourage you go to another isle and come back later! Sometimes I wish I could switch isles (or lanes) too, but I don't have that choice. You do.  You're welcome.

Letting go of bitterness

   Lately I have been thinking a lot about bitterness, and how it eats away at us.  Probably most of us have met someone we would describe as a "bitter or resentful" person and I seriously doubt that you think of them as a particularly pleasant person.  No one has goals of becoming bitter, it's not something we strive towards.  You never hear someone say, "I wish I was more patient, and strong, bitter."  Just the word brings unpleasant thoughts to mind (unless referring to beer, and even then it's matter of taste.)  The interesting thing about bitterness is that it usually starts as a hurt or wrong towards this person.  You would think that since they are the victim, not the aggressor, that they would feel justified in their "righteous anger,"that it would be a fair response to poor treatment.  Often we do feel justified in our anger and resentment, but that justification doesn't bring with it the health we seek, instead it brings just the opposite.   It brings a corruption of spirit that destroys us from the inside out.
    So, where does bitterness and resentment come from and how can we stop it?  The answer is both simple and extremely complex.  I believe that we can only get rid of bitterness by doing what we refused to do in the first place, by forgiving.  I think sometimes we feel that a person doesn't deserve forgiveness, and they probably don't, but that is not the point.  It's not really about them, it's about us and where our hearts are at.
      In Matthew 6:14-15 it says "For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."  
       That's pretty intense.  Harsh even, one might say.  However, I don't think that God says this just because he wants to be mean, I think we says it because when we live with unforgiveness in our lives we invite evil to live inside us and he physically cannot be around evil, it is against his nature.  If we want to be people filled with Love it it is imminent that we be free of unforgiveness. 
        Forgiveness is hard.  It can be painful because it requires us to bring up past hurts and to let them go.  I have often heard people say "If you knew what I've been through you wouldn't ask me to forgive them" but I think that speaks even more of the need to forgive.  The bigger the thing we are holding onto the more power it has over us.
      Here's the problem though.  We might know we need to forgive, we might even be willing to forgive, but we just don't know how to do it.  We all know that true forgiveness is much more than saying the words "I forgive you."  It's unlocking those hurts and digging them out by the roots.  I think we start with the words and then ask the holy spirit to change our hearts.
       What if you are still being hurt by this person?  That's a tricky situation.  I think it's important to differentiate between forgiving and trusting.  We are called to forgive everyone, but we are not called to trust everyone.  Sometimes forgiveness means that while we forgive someone we still must remove ourselves from this cancerous relationship.  It might be temporary, or it might be permanent.  I think sometimes all we can do after we have forgiven, and offered this forgiveness to them if necessary, is to pray for them.  It may seem like it would take a miracle, but God is in the practice of miracles.  He also is the King of restoration.  He loves to fix broken things and broken people and to make them whole.  And that is something worth rejoicing over.