Tuesday, August 7, 2018

Making the change - my journey to a healthier lifestyle

  Everyone says that after you work out you feel amazing. AMAZING.  Three and a half months ago I would have had to disagree with you.  All of you.  I had been talking to a dear friend of mine who had told me she was doing a 30 day trial at a new gym in town called Burn Bootcamp.  It's mostly for women, only 45 minutes long (they have just one workout each day that they offer several different times, both morning and afternoons.)  It had a free two week trial, which included child care and three of my friends were currently going.  Sounds amazing.  I wasn't going to go.  Partially because I was already in superior physical shape and partially because it sounded like a lot of work and I didn't want to go.  Oh wait, I wasn't in superior shape, in fact the wear and tear of adding four babies in seven years had made quite the significant impact on my life.  So there it is, it sounded like a lot of work and I didn't want to go. 
     The problem is that even though I didn't want to go I was extremely aware that something needed to change.  Growing up I always had a kind of athletic build, not the super toned kind, but the sturdy, can lift lots of weight kind.  I didn't obsess over my size.  I might have wished my stomach was a little flatter, but I could do pretty much anything I wanted to do and that was always enough. As I got older and moved to Bend, Oregon I remained active, even taking up new sports, such as cross country skiing, rock climbing and even running.  Then I started having knee issues and backed off of running while still continuing to enjoy the outdoors.  Along came Seth and I ended up moving back to Sheridan and getting married.  Then we had a baby, moved to Corvallis and after several miscarriages had another baby.  Working out came and went for me as I adjusted to life with a baby, then a baby and pregnant and so on.  Weight came a little at a time with each pregnancy and left, a little less each time after each baby.  After three babies I was diagnosed with carpal tunnel from nursing my babies at night while holding them with my wrist in an odd position.  The idea of working out seemed overwhelming as I had to be careful of my knees, and my wrists wouldn't even support my weight. My active lifestyle became a "just maintaining" lifestyle and then not even.
     The less active I got the more overwhelmed I felt.  Raising kids is hard enough without feeling like you just can't get ahead.  The idea of rock climbing again felt ridiculous and yet I thought about it with longing, not so much for that particular activity but more the feeling that I was healthy enough to do all the activities I enjoyed.
      After my fourth (and last) child I had all the excuses not to work out, but even that doesn't make the need go away. So when Liana told me she was going to Burn bootcamp and that I could try it for free and take my kids with me too, I decided not to overthink it and just go enjoy two weeks of free child care.  So I went.  And I died.  Only I didn't, I just felt that way.  My first day was a high energy cardio workout (never my strong suit) and as I made my way through a circuit of burpees, double under jump roping, hurdles and many other exercises I found myself struggling.  I couldn't catch my breath, I felt light headed and about to throw up. Worse than all that however was my mental battle. The battle in my mind that said it was too little, too late.  That all I had was not enough.  I was worse off than I thought and this just might be too much for me. I didn't seem to be able to modify it enough to not struggle.  I was always going to be overweight and out of control.  Afterwards I did not feel amazing, I felt defeated. I went in the bathroom and cried.  The next day I did the only thing I could do,  I came back.  I don't give up easily and I was determined that this wasn't an area I was going to give up on.  It was a leg day and I could harldy walk up stairs for three days afterwards my muscles were so tight, but at one point there was an excercise that I absolutely excelled at. It was my first win.  I did really well at it, and it gave me hope.  I kept coming.  At the end of the next week I had to use my inhaler several times and ended up hyperventilating at the end of a particularly hard work out. It was embarrassing to say the least, but I was seeing improvements.  My mantra began to be, "just keep moving" and "push a little harder than you think you can." My two weeks had turned into a month as someone had given me a 30 day pass, but as the days went by I knew I was going to need so much more than a month.  This particular program has memberships that you sign up for in increments of 6 months, getting cheaper the longer you sign up for.  The most I felt I could commit to was a year, but it felt like a big commitment both physically and financially.  This is what it came down to though, it was a break from the kids, I had friends going and my husband encouraged it, and (after that first week) I felt great afterward.  If I wasn't going to do this now, I was probably never going to make the changes I needed to to be healthy. That was a sobering thought.  At some point you just have to put in the work.  Seth was the one who really encouraged me to do it, so I did. I knew summer was coming up and that's a super busy time so I gave myself the goal of working out 12 times a month.  That way even if I was gone a week I could make it up.  It's been a good challenge, and I've made it every month and have often exceeded my goal.  I was gone for eighteen days in July (scattered around) and still made it happen.  I have found myself looking forward to workouts as well as connecting with friends, both old ones and new.  Although I knew my body would be positively impacted by regular exercise I did not realize how much it would affect my mind.  I feel like a weight has been lifted and the negative thoughts that made me feel so overwhelming trapped are going away.  I had been dreading the hard work, but now I relish it.  My whole life is effected. I am more disciplined, I eat better, I get up earlier, and I get more quiet time.  Having my quiet devotional time always refocuses me on the Lord and reminds me to look to him for my strength.  I really can't do any of this on my own and I need to stop trying.  All this brings out a kinder, more loving, more connected mother and wife.  I used to find myself feeling annoyed when I would read posts like this about people who were losing weight and getting healthy, mostly because it reminded me of all that I was lacking. So if this post annoys you, I get it, but I would encourage you to look and see what small thing you can change.  We have to be willing to put in the work in one area or another to make changes. I simply wasn't willing for a long time, that's the truth.  The workouts I once dreaded have become a source of coping for daily stress.  No matter how tired I am I always feel better after. I really do.   A year ago I don't think I would have mentally been ready for this commitment, but even then I decided to make one change.  I started planning meals.  Being intentional in one area helped prepare me for bigger changes ahead.  The biggest thing that used to hold me back was the fear that I would put out a lot of time and energy and not see results.  I didn't believe I could change, so I didn't.  Then I thought it might be possible and found that it is.  My knees still ache, my wrists still have carpal tunnel and I have to do pushups on my fists.  I still have a lot of weight to lose but I am stronger than I was and will continue to get even stronger. I know that I can do a little more than I have done before, so I do.  That is how we move forward.  Whatever it is in your life that you struggle to change I would challenge you to take one step forward.  Find that one thing you can change and then change it.  When you're ready, challenge yourself to do more.  I think you will find yourself more capable than you thought.   Thank you to my friends who challenged themselves first and continue to encourage me to do the same.