Thursday, October 18, 2018

Lessons I've learned through marriage





     This past summer I went to several bridal showers, and one thing that happens at most bridal showers is that they ask women who've been married for a while to write down a piece of advice for the couple.  They do this, because anyone who's been in a relationship (and even those who haven't) knows that relationships are tricky and any tips and tricks you've figured out for yourself might be able to give this couple a little boost.  It's a great idea, however I often sit there thinking "What's a piece of advice I've learned...I've been married 9 years, should have figured out something....what's just one thing....drawing a blank here."   Usually I come up with something in the end, sometimes I don't.  Mostly I think this is because it's hard to be put on the spot, but also I think that sometimes in order to give advice we feel as though we have to have it all figured out and that's just not true. You never "figure it all out" we are all growing and learning new things all the time, and relationships are no different.
      So after the last time this happened I sat down to think about it a little bit.  I know that I've learned a lot of helpful things along the way, so what are they.  If I can't cognitively remember the things I've learned, how am I supposed to remember them in the heat of frustration?  So, for my own sake, I made a list.  And for the sake of anyone in any kind of relationship I've decided to share that list.  No promises it will be helpful to you, but here it is.

1.  Make an effort to appreciate each other's hobbies.  Notice the language here.  You don't have to love, or even enjoy your spouses hobbies, but if you put a little effort into learning about them you might surprise yourself.  At the very least, try not to roll your eyes and resent them when they come up.  A few months after Seth and I first got married I commented that we never just sat and talked anymore.  To my surprise,  he said to me "I know. You're not interested in the things I'm interested in."  Seth really enjoys working on old cars (not cool old cars, ugly old cars) and not being a mechanically minded person, the whole subject bored me to death.  After he said that though, I decided to make an effort.  I asked questions, I watched youtube videos with him.  I learned what a transfer case was, I learned how to tell if a truck is a 1/2 ton, 3/4 ton or 1 ton and so on (oh how I always wanted to know that!) and now I love cars...Oh wait, no, I don't.  However, now that I understand more I am not near as bored when he talks about them.  I can picture a little bit what he's talking about, I can respect his interest and I can get excited with him.   I don't hate watching car shows, though they're not my first pick. Now that I have more knowledge I can also veto expensive unnecessary car parts without much argument.  More importantly, because I made an effort to care about what he cares about, he did the same to me, and we found ourselves naturally talking to each other again about the things we were excited about, both individual and shared interests.

2.  This one comes off of the first, but it's worth mentioning.  Find the hobbies you enjoy doing together and focus on those.  Don't have any?  Create some.  Seth and I both love the outdoors, but you really have to plan that or it doesn't happen. We decided to camp once a month all year long.  And we did. This is how, we pulled out the calendar in January and marked off 12 weekends.  If something came up later in the year (which happened much less often then you'd think) we would simply re-schedule it.  We got the stuff together we needed to camp comfortably for us and our children (at the time it was only one child) and we had a blast.  After two years we found ourselves going just because we said we'd go and realized winter tent camping isn't for the faint of heart, and wasn't our favorite family activity, so we changed it to once a month (or more) May through September.  What happened is that we created a camping culture in our family and it's stuck.  Our children love getting out in the woods and so do we.  
    Another hobby we've taken up is bow hunting.  Well, Seth has.  I've never been a hunter and I'm still not, but when Seth got a bow and started target shooting a lot we quickly realized that this could be very time consuming but that archery could be something our whole family could do together.  Especially since we live out of town and can shoot our bows on our property it's become a shared activity we all enjoy, even the kids.  I find it very stress relieving to go outside and shoot my bow,  even just for 15 minutes or so.  Once they get better I think the kids will really like it, right now they enjoy it for about ten minutes.  Hobbies can draw you together or push you apart.  They take time, money, and energy.  They are important but shouldn't isolate you from each other too much.  It's totally fine to have hobbies you do alone, but talk to each other to find a balance of your activities, their activities and shared activities.  I think this becomes even more important when children to come into the picture, specifically for women, because children can unintentionally become their only hobby and that's both overwhelming and unhealthy.  We all need a break sometimes.

3.  Learn your spouses love language.  If you're not familiar with the five love languages I would highly recommend the book "The five love languages" (go figure) by Gary Chapman.  At the very least I'd suggest taking the free online quiz.  https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/  The idea is that we all feel love in different ways and we all show love in different ways.  For me, Quality time, Gift giving and Acts of Service are very high, while words of affirmation is low and Physical touch is virtually non-existent.  Seth however is highest in Physical touch.  You can see how this could be a problem, mostly if I was not aware of it (which I wasn't for about five years.)  Naturally we tend to show love how we receive it, but not only is it not helpful, it can be detrimental.  I would be sweeping the kitchen at the end of the day and Seth would come up, stop me, and give me a hug.  I literally thought he was trying to sabotage me.  He had no clue why I was frustrated, he was just trying to say "I love you."  Now I still fight the urge to be annoyed when my productivity is squashed by an embrace, but I recognize his goal is to show me love.  Also, he tries to remember this and helps out more than he used to.  If we continually spend time and energy to show love in ways our spouse does not appreciate we will feel frustrated and annoyed, and they will still feel unloved and in some cases, feel unknown.


4. Don't ask questions to trap your spouse.  This comes up most often during arguments, and it's most commonly (but not exclusively) done by women.  Questions like these, "Don't you love me anymore?"  "Do you think I'm fat?" People joke about stuff like this, but honestly It's not funny if you're holding a grudge.  If there's no good answer than it's a trap and it's detrimental to your marriage.  No good can come of it.  I have only done this once.  We had been married less than a year and we were arguing about something and I was feeling hurt.  I turned to him and asked "Are you sorry you married me?"  There was a pause.  Then he said no, but it was too late, the pause was too long.  For a moment I felt justified in my pain, he doesn't care about me the way he used to! Then, clearer than I ever have I heard the Lord before, I heard him tell me (not audibly) "Don't do that ever again." It was as though he'd spoken it out loud.   Don't ask questions in anger that have no good answer, all they bring is hurt.  They never help anything.  Seth had paused because he was mad, not because he didn't love me and not because he was sorry he married me. I had wanted to wallow in self-pity, but it was not helpful.  If it's not going to bring life to your marriage, don't ask it.

5.  Go to bed at the same time.   This is actually a piece of advice some friends gave us right before we got married and it has served us well.  There are times when we don't go to bed at the same time under special circumstances, but in  general, we do.  It's such a positive connecting time, some of our best conversations have happened when we were going to bed.

6.  Don't have serious discussions after 9pm.  I have heard people say not after 8, but since our kids don't go to bed until 8 that's not practical for us and as long as it's before 9:30 or 10 it usually goes well.  The key here, no matter the hour is to not be having serious discussions when you are really tired.  You become more sensitive, less logical and much more reactive when you are tired.  If you find yourselves going in circles take moment to stop and see if you can peacefully agree to come back to the subject at another time.  Sometimes we find that in the morning it's actually not even an issue anymore, we were simply feeling exhausted overworked and under appreciated by one another and in the morning we could see that we were both doing all that we could and that sometimes being a grown up (and especially a parent) is just plain hard, but it looks better with rest.

7.  Take time to share with each other how you process information.  If you haven't already done this in some way I would encourage you to.  Seth and I already knew we processed things differently but a few years ago on a road trip we had a long discussion about it, and discovered a lot.  I am a verbal processor, I have to sort things out as I am saying them most of the time.  Often times I repeat what I have said several times, changing it just slightly.  This is not just to make a point, it's because I'm editing myself.  I might say something and realize that's not quite what I meant and restate it.  Or I might say the exact same thing twice, the second time is me reiterating that's what I meant.  Seth does all this processing mentally.  It's like he has a big chalkboard in his head and he's sorting everything out before he says it.  Just thinking about trying to do this makes my head hurt.  Two very different styles, but now that we know, at least in a nutshell, how the other person thinks we have much more grace for one another.

8. When you feel drained, don't be a martyr.  Think about what you need or what would be helpful, specifically, and ask for it.  If we don't know what the other person needs it's very hard to help them.

9.  Frequently take time to remember the things you love about your spouse.  Tell them these things.  Encourage one another.  It's easy to get so busy doing life that you start to feel more like coworkers than spouses.  Don't make this mistake.  When it seems the hardest to find time to enjoy one another, that's when you need it the most.  Never stop making each other a priority.

So there you have it, these are just a few of the many lessons of learned this past decade.  If you have any nuggets of wisdom you've picked up I'd love to hear them as well