When our expectations don't measure up to reality

     

School is here, parents are thrilled, and school supplies abound.  I am not left out in that number.  What was once a somewhat sad time of year for me as a child, having to leave the freedom of summer to head back to school, is now a time to rejoice.  Two of my four children are once again going back to school, in schools I love, with wonderful teacher who are offering to teach my children for a while school year and leave me with a lot less to deal with.  This is great, and I'm happy for it, however this year felt more complicated somehow.  You see, last year Mikaiah started the 2nd grade and Sequoia, who had turned 5 on July 1st started Kindergarten.  I was thrilled, and so were they.  Sequoia loved her teacher, her class, and (most days) loved going to school in general.   However, it soon became apparent that she was not thriving as we had hoped.  Sequoia has always had "big feelings" and struggles to reign them in.  In short, she spent much of her time at school throwing tantrums and working on calming down, which didn't leave her a whole lot of time to learn.  Half way through the year it became pretty clear that she was well behind (emotionally and academically) the rest of the class and would not be ready for the first grade the following year.  Seth and I talked about it with the teacher throughout the year and agreed that holding her back was the right thing to do.  Of this I am 100% sure we are doing the right thing.  When she found out she would get to go to Kindergarten again Sequoia was thrilled (much to my relief.)

2018-2019

2019-2020

      As the time went by and summer came people started to ask "Will Sequoia will be in 1st grade this year?" To which I would reply "Actually, she's going to be repeating Kindergarten."  People were always supportive, even thanking me for being able to see this need and being willing to hold her back.  Many of our children are pushed ahead when they are not ready and it can be very detrimental.  I am happy to help Sequoia be where she needs to be, this is not a struggle for me.  What needed to be done was clear, and we are all okay with it.  We are so happy to be of the same mind as both her teacher and school counselor in this regard, it helps a lot to be on the same page.
      However, as the first graders went back to school (they start a few days before the kindergartners) I found myself surprisingly emotional.  Here on my facebook feed were the pictures of all Sequoia's classmates going back to school, joining the first grade, moving on.. and here we were, once again, waiting for Kindergarten.  I wanted to cry.  Actually, I did cry.  I drove to my friends house and buried my head in her shoulder, still totally unaware of why this was so hard for me.  She held me and cried with me a little bit, and then we all ran errands together. That's what real friends do I think, they listen and encourage and then walk beside you (quite literally sometimes) just so you know you're not alone. 
     I have had to process this whole thing quite a bit, but eventually I came to the conclusion that it really wasn't because Sequoia had to repeat Kindergarten that I had a hard time with, but rather what that represented  Parenting Sequoia is an immense pleasure and also the biggest challenge of my life.  We have been in an extremely difficult parenting phase with her for basically her whole life!  She has always been quick to throw fits and lose control.  She either takes directions perfectly, or not at all.  Running and screaming (happily) through the grocery store disregarding everything I say or do is not uncommon.  She's definitely getting better, but she is quite exhausting to raise, to be quite honest.  I wouldn't trade her for the world, but I would love to see her conquer some of the things and areas she struggles with so, and seeing her here in Kindergarten, AGAIN, just somehow burst something in me, something that felt a bit like defeat. The disappointment of not being where I thought we would be (parent and child) by this point.  The feeling of so wanting my child to succeed in taking control of her feelings and reactions so that she can learn, and grow and enjoy life to it's fullest. The feeling that we are never going to get past this point, that she will remain in Kindergarten forever (even though I know it's not true.) Recognizing that it is okay, and valid to feel this way has been a relief.  
      Although our situations are all different I think at some point most of us experience things like this.  Something that no matter how hard we try we just can't seem to get past.  The frustration, hurt, and feelings of inadequacy can be overwhelming.  These are the times that I turn to James where he says (James 1:2-4 )^" Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.   Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
       So although we are not through it yet, and I am sure there are more tears to come I choose to consider this a Joy, knowing all that it is doing in me and in my daughter as well, developing perseverance and shaping us into the people that God made us to be.  In this I find hope.  Hope and encouragement to keep moving forward.  Kindergarten 2.0, here we come!

Child rearing is like lifting weights, the more you have the more you can handle.

        As I write this I am sitting in a coffee shop, Jack Johnson playing in the background, a half eaten snickerdoodle next to my laptop and my youngest child playing happily with the toys while people chat happily all around me.  Bliss.  My three older children are all attending a local Vacation Bible School and will attend yet another next week.  To all the churches and volunteers that choose to entertain my children and teach them about Jesus while I enjoy this much needed down time I am eternally grateful.  Thank you.  Just one child, every morning for two weeks!  It's like a vacation, practically like having no kids at all!  That's how it feels now at least.
        A couple of years ago, pregnant with my fourth child and totally exhausted I was sitting around a table at a mom's group talking to a first time mother.  I answered her questions the best I could, but realized even as I did so how jaded I had become.  In my head I felt like "You're just having one baby!  No worries, you've got this.  If I could only have one baby again it would be a piece of cake, no whining!  Of course I didn't say these things, but I felt them.  Not because I had any animosity towards the mother, or even because her questions were over the top (they weren't) but simply because I was treading water myself and could not lift my head up enough to remember the struggle of adjusting to my first child.   Even at the time I remember telling a friend later that day, "I think in a few years I will be a wonderful person to go to for advice, but right now I just feel jaded and sarcastic."  I was too deep in the mire to bother turning around.  As I predicted, every year I feel more and more capable of lifting my head and seeing what others are going through and am able to offer at least a listening ear if not a word or two of sound advice.

       You see, child rearing is like weight lifting.  When you start from nothing anything feels like all you can handle.  As time goes by and you adapt, your child grows older and more independent, you adjust.  Then you add more children and you adjust again, just as you would add more weights the stronger you get.  (For those with just one or two children they experience this too, as each age brings new challenges, but it feels different I would imagine.)  At the point where you have several children, having a break where you only have one child can feel like such a relief that it can be hard to remember the early challenges you faced.   The danger here is undervaluing the struggle someone else is going through because it's no longer (or never has been) your own struggle.  Some people do have a really easy first baby while others are extremely difficult. Not to mention where the parent is coming from in the first place.   For myself, although pretty prepared for day to day baby care through much experience and training (early childhood ed. degree, years spent working as a full time nanny, babysitting as well as teaching) I still struggled a bit.  Nursing didn't go like I thought it would and the weight of having to bottle feed when my daughter was just a few months old was immense, not to mention hours and hours of crying late into the night for no apparent reason.  Time went by and she got easier, and then we had another and so it goes.
      Right now I find myself in a sweet spot.  Life is much simpler in many ways.  My children sleep through the night, they feed themselves and play independently, yet I still remember when they didn't.  We still have hard days, rough trips to the grocery store and find ourselves in desperate need of a nap.  Sometimes I need the nap more than my kids.  I still gaze longingly at moms sitting in beach chairs at the public pool reading books, all the while trying to keep track of all my little ones.  And yet often I hear these moms say, "I remember when my kids were so small and so much less complicated.  I can't wait until they are out of the house."  We can spend our time looking back to the past, forgetting our struggles or always looking for the next easier stage, but if we do either of these we won't ever really learn to enjoy where we're at.  My advice?  Remember where we've come from and the struggles we've overcome so that we can more appreciate where we're at in life as well as have compassion for others. And one day maybe we'll be able to help them out as well.   Oh, and just so we're clear, I am still so distracted by life that I wrote this two months ago and am just now posting it.  What can I say?  Life with kids.  Busy, messy, and simply wonderful.