Whenever life begins to get stressful or overwhelming I automatically jump into coping mode, and for me this means moving into a holding pattern. I take in only as much information as necessary, I find a routine and stick to it, and I don't overthink things too much. If I start to feel stressed again I take deep breaths and repeat, and this works...for a while. Much like treading water, it will help for a time, but it won't get you anywhere. In life I find that if I'm not moving forward inevitably I am moving backwards. This current season we're in has been full of holding patterns for me, physically and mentally. From the outside these often look more healthy that they actually are. For example, all throughout Covid I have continued to workout from home via Zoom regularly, even upping the number of workouts I do each week, and this has definitely helped me a lot, however I have let the nutrition side slide a lot. My loving husband has tried to encourage me in this, and I, loving wife that I am, basically bit his head off every time he mentioned a good podcast or method he's been using that have been helping him. In truth, he didn't say anything out of line, but I couldn't receive it. I was in a holding pattern that simply couldn't accommodate any new restrictions or changes. I should know by now that when these holding patterns change from getting me through one day at a time to becoming an unapproachable person, it is no longer healthy.
I am often not even aware of this switch in my heart, but there is one who knows the moment I start to slip. As a Christian I believe that my Father in heaven knows me from the inside out, that there is nothing I can hide from him. I believe that me made me in my Mother's womb and that I have been beautifully and wonderfully made. I believe that I am an in imperfect person who is in need of saving and that Jesus Christ, the only perfect being, died in my place on the cross so that my sins, and the sins of people everywhere and for all time, would no longer separate us from the Father, who is Love and, in the truest nature of Love simply can not abide where sin is present.
I believe that even though I still make mistakes, the price that Jesus paid was enough to forgive all my sins and misdeeds, past, present and future. I believe that I am loved, just as I am, that there is nothing I can do to increase or decrease God's love for me. However, I also believe that when I am choosing to act in ways that are contrary to the commandments given to us, such as in Mark 12:30 where it states the greatest commandment is this: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. and the second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these." And also John 14:27 "
Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."Then I am not walking in God's will for my life and that change is needed to direct me back so that I can live a life full of Love. Fear is not of the Lord and when I choose to harbor fear I am choosing to let darkness enter my life. This darkness sinks me to the greatest depths, and yet I don't have to remain in this place. It's a choice.
If you are reading this and it makes you uncomfortable, or if you are reading it and find you strongly disagree with me, I want you to know that's okay. This is what I believe, and what I believe shapes who I am and I wish to be as open and vulnerable about this as I am with the other areas of my life. I have often shied away from sharing my beliefs and convictions because I do not wish to offend others, but what I believe has molded me into the person I am and I am not ashamed. Everything good in my life has come from the Lord, and for this I will never cease to give thanks. I wish you to know that nothing I believe makes me love you less. If anything, it makes me love you more. I don't see you as a project or a mission, but as a person made by God whom I love and care for as well as I can. As a Christian there are a lot of negative stigmas and associations out there. A LOT. So many that I often hesitate to claim Christianity, and prefer to call myself a Jesus follower, and yet I am a Christian, a Christ follower and though that doesn't mean that I agree with all things associated with Christians. Christ himself was often misunderstood, so I too can be okay with being misunderstood and labeled incorrectly. All people make mistakes, clearly Christians are not exempt from this we too make mistakes, lots of them, but there is forgiveness for those mistakes. This forgiveness is offered to you as well, whether or not you recognize your need for it, it is there all the same.
By nature, I am a peace keeper. I don't wish to make others uncomfortable and I don't like to stir the pot, but sometimes that's just a cop out that keeps me from speaking the words on my heart. The words of life and love and forgiveness that our World is in desperate need of. Words that remind us that we cannot save ourselves, but that we have access to the only one who can. The only one who truly has our best interest at heart.
I know these things deep within me. I know them like I know that I know my children are mine - from the very depths of my being. I believe that Lord speaks to me through his Holy Spirit and that by quieting myself in practices similar to what the world calls "mindfullness" I am able to focus on what the Lord is saying to me. I hear him speak to my heart and know his voice, and he brings me peace. The Lord speaks to me in many ways. Lately I have been feeling irritable, anxious and have not been super pleasant to be around, at least not for those who know me best. Sorry my dear family, you definitely take the brunt of it. So when I sat down and opened my daily devotional book "Jesus Calling" I felt the Lord speak straight to my heart. Here is what today's entry said:
Jesus Calling: July 28th
Let My Love seep into the inner recesses of your being. Do not close off any part of yourself from Me. I know you inside and out, so do not try to present a "cleaned-up" self to Me. Wounds that you shut away from the Light of My Love will fester and become wormy. Secret sins that you "hide" from Me can split off and develop lives of their own, controlling you without your realizing it.
Open yourself fully to My transforming Presence. Let My brilliant Love-Light search out and destroy hidden fears. This process requires time alone with Me, as My Love soaks into your innermost being. Enjoy My perfect Love, which expels every trace of fear.
RELATED SCRIPTURE:
Psalm 139:1-4 (NLT)
Psalm 139
For the choir director: A psalm of David.
1 O Lord, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
3 You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
4 You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.
Psalm 139:23-24 (NLT)
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
and lead me along the path of everlasting life.
1st John 4:18 (NLT)
18 Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.
As I read this I began to weep. All of the fear and anxieties I have held onto, things I didn't even know I was dealing with, all of these are already known to the Lord. During these times fear is everywhere. Many of these fears I have not felt, and so did not realize that I too was bound up in fear and anxiety. After reading this entry and the following scriptures I started writing down all the fears I have been feeling, some for years and some more recently, as well as some of things I am not afraid of.
-I am afraid that if I put forth a real effort to control my eating habits I will still not be successful.
-I am afraid I will never be a healthy weight.
-I am afraid of peoples comments on the above two items.
-I am afraid I will let down those who love me the most.
-I am afraid of passing down unhealthy habits to my children.
-I am afraid of inadvertently passing on poor body image to my children, by the way I view my own self.
-I am afraid my children will not truly believe that they are enough, just as God made them to be.
-I am afraid that no matter how hard I try, I will always fail.
-I am afraid that if I homeschool school my kids I will totally lose my mind.
-I am afraid that if I homeschool I will not be the mom I want to be.
-I am afraid that if I homeschool I will never be able to recharge, as this has felt true in the past.
-I am afraid that if I send my kids to school people will judge me.
-I am afraid that sending my kids to school will mean I am not a good enough mom to homeschool.
-I am afraid of being misunderstood.
-I am NOT afraid of Covid 19.
-I am NOT afraid of wearing masks, though I don't love them.
-I am NOT afraid of not wearing masks.
-I am afraid of what people think.
-I am not afraid of a vaccine.
-I am afraid of a vaccine being pushed by power, money and ulterior motives.
-I am afraid of a vaccine being rushed without the proper tests due to the aforementioned motives.
-I am not afraid of conspiracy theories.
-I am however stressed by all of the conspiracy theories out there, feels like fear mongering.
As these fears and anxieties poured out of me I felt this heavy burden drain out of me, replaced by the deepest peace I have ever known. Perfect Love drives out fear. This is truth in my life. I know that I am not enough, I will always fail on my own but God is enough and he is guiding me. He is my strength and he is all I need. In this knowledge I rest.
I thought it would be hard to share these thoughts, these fears that I have held so long and yet somehow the simple act of sharing them has helped to free me from their hold. Does this mean I will not struggle with them again? Surely not, it means when faced with new/recurring fears I need to surrender them to the Lord in my heart, knowing that he is the only one who has overcome fear and death. It's a continual process, and that's okay. The more I fix my eyes on Jesus the less I focus on the storms all around me. So here it goes, one more step forward.
