Expectations. Ours, others and even imagined ones can bring about limitless amounts of stress. When reached they can also give us a great amount of satisfaction, but at what cost? I have never been a perfectionist and have always run along the lines of "Do something to the level that you can still enjoy it" but even I wince when someone says (or I think to myself) "Better lower your expectations" or "lower the bar!" These words cause me to grimace and sigh. They say to me "You're not gonna make it, better quit while you're behind." They tell me I'm not good enough and that nothing I can do is ever going to be enough. They are lies. They make me feel like a failure, when in reality I have often simply bitten off more than I can chew.
I love to do lists. I sit there at 6:30 in the morning with my coffee and journal, in front of the fire and make big plans for the day. I feel accomplished just writing them. In my head I know I can do it all, in fact, I should probably add a few more items. Several weeks ago this was my list: 1. Clean house 2. Make snack for HOME group (my mom's group). 3. Get to HOME early in time for prayer. 4. Go grocery shopping 5. Get kids home and make them lunch. etc. But then life happens, 7:45 rolls along and I'm already behind. The snack I was going to make has turned into "pick up donuts," breakfast dishes litter the table and half dressed children run rampant. The clock is ticking faster than I can imagine and my stress levels are rising. Throwing shoes on my son (for the third time, he'squite the shoe remover) I grab him in one arm and the baby in the other, balancing my purse and other necessities between the two and head to the car. (Apparently I don't believe in making multiple trips if at all possible.) No longer having enough time to hand pick the donuts I quickly grab a box of day olds from the local donut shop and jump in the car. Feeling warn out and slightly defeated, I pull into the parking lot, rush to drop off my kids, and finally plop myself into a free chair, not only have I not made it in time for prayer but I'm a full ten minutes late...again. Almost two hours later, feeling somewhat rejuvenated from adult conversation, snacks, and a little break, I go to fetch my kids and once again chaos ensues. With difficulty I wrangle the now almost hysterical children (near dying from starvation and exhaustion it appears) and head to the grocery store while the meltdowns continue. Quickly nixing the "make lunch" part, I pick up corndogs (shamefacedly trying to talk myself into believing that they have corn in them and that must have been a vegetable at some point, right?) and hand them to my kids as I rush home in hopes of getting them to sleep. Exhausted I flop onto the couch and feel DONE and it's only 12:30 So much for all my morning plans!
I could repaint this picture a hundred times with different details, lists, experiences, etc. but in the end they would all have the same feeling of "not quite cutting it." However, this year I have been taking a step back. I have been doing something I hadn't thought of often before, and it's changing my life. I am changing my language. I am not "lowering the bar" I am re-evaluating what is important, what really matters, and what I can do and changing things accordingly. This is what I'm starting to do, when I start feeling behind I stop and take a time out (often while driving, but it works.) I think about what my goals are for the day and what I really want to accomplish. So, in this case I might say my goals are 1. Go to HOME group 2. Bring a snack 3. Get groceries 4. Feed kids 5. Nap time 6. Clean house before going to bed
Then, I would go on with my day as before, only this time I am not running behind, at least not impossibly so. I get in the car when I can, grab a snack and get in my seat before it's over. First three goals, accomplished! Then I run to winco, grab them food from the deli and throw some carrots in the mix, run home to put them in bed. Then during nap I rest, or clean, or whatever. Or maybe they don't nap and we cuddle and read books, and we still call it a win. Either way my whole outlook on the day is changed even though the results were virtually the same. See the difference?
There is so much pressure out there to be the best mom/dad/person, to be successful, to have the perfect home, kids, etc. But what does that even mean? What is the best? What's perfect and what does it look like to be succesful? Everyone has their own opinion of what this looks like, so if you're looking for others approval you'll probably end up feeling like you can ever quite make it, because they're all different. Sometimes we even have our own ideas of what we want and it turns out they're just not practical. For me I need to look at the bigger picture, what do I want for myself and for my family? Happiness? Not always possible, nor is it always the best goal even if it were to be possible. Seeking only happiness is a rather discouraging journey. There are just too many factors, many beyond our control and it tends to create pretty self-centered people as well. When we "seek to be happy" we often assume (wrongly) that this is most dependent on our circumstances and not what we make of them, when really our attitude and what we do in difficult circumstances is much more important. What I really want for myself and my family is for us to learn to be content in our circumstances. To look at what I have and see it as enough. To see myself as enough and for my children to see this too. I want to see more than myself and my circumstances, I want to see others and love them right where they're at. I don't want to give up on setting goals and pushing myself and even having expectations but rather let these be more fluid, changing even as we change as people but holding secure to the things that are really important to us.
A couple of years ago Seth and I were in Bend for the weekend. Mikaiah was almost 4 and Sequoia was 18 months and I was six months pregnant. I really wanted to take Mikaiah ice skating so we drove up to the Inn at the Seventh Mountain, where they have an outdoor ice rink. As we were driving up there Seth asked me "What are your goals for this trip?" I hadn't really thought about that before. Since Sequoia was too young to skate, she and Seth were just going to watch on the sidelines. Not being the cheapest of outings I think he was afraid it would end up feeling like a wasted trip. "I guess I want her to come away having enjoyed it and wanting to go again" I told him. And as I said it, I knew it really was true. I knew there was a chance we'd only be on the ice 5 minutes, but if that five minutes left her with a smile and wanting more, than it would be a win. Mikaiah and I took to the ice and with me holding her hands we made our way all the way around the rink and then stopped to rest. She had the biggest smile on her face, as did I. We did this four more times (taking almost an hour, I'm sure) and called it a day. Sequoia had not been thrilled about being left out, but upon getting hot chocolate along with the rest of us before leaving, she was appeased. What a great day. On the way home Mikaiah told me "I think I'm ready to have my very own Ice Rink now." hahaha. As we drove home and I reflected on the day, I realized I could not have hoped for it to have a better ending. I think much of this had to do with my own expectations. Since then I try to apply this every time I go on an outing. Usually with the expectations being along the lines of being able to enjoy some of what we did and going away wanting to do it again. Wishing for a trip with no melt downs or delays is like jumping into a lake and hoping you won't get wet. Doing things with littles is challenging, but can be so rewarding. When you're expectation are more realistic you're much less likely to end up disappointed.
I know that all of my examples here have to do with raising kids and surviving mom-hood, but I do believe that the practice of re-evaluating our goals and expectations is key to all of us in the hope of living a content life. It's not about lowering expectations, it's about changing them. It's about realizing what's important to us and figuring out what really needs to be done, and what doesn't, to get there. It's about doing what we can to lessen our stress levels and give ourselves the greatest chance of success. And that is something entirely different.
