Every morning, Monday thru Thursday I wake up at 5:00 am and leave the house at 5:20 to get to my 5:45 workout on time. This workout is one of the only things that I am almost always on time for, in fact, I am usually 5 minutes early, but not today. Today my alarm didn't go off. Today I didn't wake up until Seth started talking to me and I realized it was 5:22. For about 15 seconds I seriously considered going back to bed. It was too late. I didn't have enough time, and I wasn't feeling great. I probably shouldn't go... But I had loosely planned to meet a friend at that class, a friend who didn't normally come in the mornings and I felt obligated to be there in case she came. Besides, I really should go, I told myself. So, I jumped out of be, threw on my clothes and ran out the door at 5:27 as my husband handed me a hastily brewed cup of coffee. He can be a Saint sometimes. As I drove to Burn Bootcamp I forced myself to calm down after the frantic rush out the door. I pulled into the parking lot a mere 3 minutes late and took a spot at the back. My friend was not there, but that was okay. It got me there, and that was enough. I was just glad I wasn't super late. For the next 45 minutes however, that's about all I was grateful for. You see today was a partner workout day, something I usually love, but which can also be a challenge. By now I have quite a few friends and people I am very comfortable with in this class, people whom I usually partner up with. Being with someone I know makes me a lot less self-conscious, especially if I have to modify a lot or if I am struggling due to my asthma. Today however, several of these people were gone and the others were paired up already. No problem, I don't mind meeting new people. Indeed my partner today was a very sweet, kind woman who was about 1/2 my size and twice as fast as me. Normally having a faster partner is not a big deal because you're usually having one person do one exercise and the partner does another and after a certain number of reps, or amount of time, you switch. Not a problem. Today was not like that. Today almost all the exercises relied on one another. From doing toe to toe sit ups, to linking arms behind your heads (on the ground) and doing dragon flies (where you lift up your legs and back straight into the air.) There were three other partner exercises to do per round, and then you would both do sprints outdoors before starting over. The first round went okay, though I had to push myself a little to keep up with my partner it wasn't a huge issue. Then came the sprints. Sprinting almost always sets off my asthma and true to form, as I finished my first lap I started having difficulty breathing. I tried to pace myself but was already so winded from pushing myself earlier it was no use. I did half of the sprints and took a breather (using my inhaler and catching my breath) before my partner came back. We sat down to start over with the sit ups but I can barely do them without my toes being held down (our feet were pushed together, but not held down) and after about five I stopped trying to keep pace. After about 8 I stopped all together. I was losing it. The thing is, as difficult as it can be to balance working out with asthma among other physical limitations, the bigger battle is in my head. Once I start having difficulty breathing all these insecurities come flooding in. Feelings of not being good enough, fast enough or in shape enough. Feelings that I don't belong and should stop trying. These feelings, plus my workout and my asthma attacks combined have an almost paralyzing effect on me and almost always leave me in tears. How humiliating. Today was no exception. As I lay there gasping for breathe (I was more worked up than having an attack at this point) my trainer came over to check in with me. She took me aside, helped me calm down and told me not to worry about letting my partner down. Then she helped me modify the workout to fit my needs. She is wonderful, compassionate and yet is able to help you get back in the game while still taking care of your body. I was able to push aside my embarrassment and finish the workout with just a few modifications. As I drove home I was trying to figure out why today was so hard, what had triggered me so much that I hadn't been able to keep hold of my emotions. The workout was hard, but not that hard...it was my mental state that had pushed me over the edge. As I drove I began to cry again, feelings of frustration and of never being able to measure up to my own standards flowing off me as steadily as my tears. It's easy for one thought of inadequacy to bring up piles of others. All sorts of lies flowing through my head. Never pretty enough, never healthy enough, patient enough with my kids, or a good enough parent. Never able to fully follow through with disciplines I say I'm going to do, and on and on these thoughts went. And then I heard it. The song I'd been listening to on Pandora broke through my thoughts and finally I could hear the words.
"Only you satisfy, only you satisfy, only you satisfy, my soul...Oh, oh my soul, thirsts for you, you alone." As I listened to the song and my heart filled with worship the lies left me. I am not enough. I will never be enough on my own. I was not meant to be. But the one who made the stars in the sky, the earth and the seas made me. He made me in his own image and he made me to be in relationship with him. He made me to need him. And he made himself enough for me, and when I am resting in him, I too am enough. Just as I am, just as he made me, I am enough. When I rely on him, and his strength as I am meant to do I am more than enough and measuring up to anyone else doesn't even matter. And just as quickly as the fears and insecurities had filled my mind, they left. They left, and peace filled my soul. This is how Jesus speaks to me. In a million ways, through a song, a friend, or a trainer. And when I can quiet myself enough to hear what he is saying I hear him and my doubts and fears fade away.
I will not pretend I am the only one who struggles in areas such as these, we all do. The issues might be different, but we all have things we struggle with. I don't think anyone really likes to talk about the things that are really hard for them, and I am no different. I'd rather throw on a brave face and pretend it's no big deal. Then I have days like today where I burst out crying in the middle of a workout (truly embarrassing by the way) while everyone else just keeps doing their thing. Hard to hide that, but it is easy to pretend it didn't happen, but not really helpful. Avoiding issues doesn't fix them or make them go away, especially when they are so deeply rooted in fear and self-worth, or lack of. I hope that by sharing my struggles it resonates with some of you, reminding you you're not alone. Reminding you of your true identity, that you are a child of God (whether you believe in him or not) and that you are enough.
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