Saturday, November 11, 2017

Advice; for those who love to give it.

Advice.  It's everywhere.  We give it, we receive it, and we ask for it. Sometimes we have to ask not to receive any more of it.  Regardless, there is no doubt that giving and receiving advice plays a huge part in our lives.  It can help us make great choices or pressure us into making poor ones.  When used well, receiving advice can greatly improve our lives. It helps us get jobs, both gain and maintain relationships, learn knew skills and adapt to new situations. Knowing how to appropriately give and receive advice can greatly benefit the people you surround yourself with, as well of course, as your own life.    The problem is, due to varying circumstances, personalities and priorities even great advice for you could be disastrous for me.
       It may seem that whether advice is helpful or not strictly depends upon the content of the advice, but I believe that is far from the truth.  There are many aspects that can help us to both be able to sort through advice and deliver it in ways that are much more effective.   I will touch on a few of these, beginning with giving advice to others.  I will talk more about learning to effectively receive advice in a future post.
       I will not say that I have mastered giving advice, for we have all given flawed/irrelevant advice from time to time, but I do think I have some insight to pass on in this area,  so I'll go ahead and give you a few  suggestions and you can take them or leave them.
       One very important thing to do when giving advice is to listen.  You may think you know where the person you're talking to is coming from, but taking the time to listen to them and hear their questions and/or concerns about a certain situation will make them feel heard, let them know you are fully aware of where they're coming from, as well as more completely fill you in on what they're wanting advice on. The next thing you want to do is be careful with your delivery.  Although you may believe 100% in the information you're offering, even after hearing it, they may not agree, and that's okay.  For example, in my opinion the Ergo baby carrier is the best out there.  My opinion is based on the fact that it has worked so well for me and all of my four children.  It is easy to use, versatile, cute, and comfortable.  I have used several different kinds and love this one the most.  Many people agree with me, but not everyone (even among people who've used them - if you can image that!)  Why is this?  It's because we're looking for different things, raising different children, and have different bodies.  All of these impact our experiences.  A friend of mine has two children and neither could stand the thing.  Clearly it was therefor not a good fit for my friend to continue to use one.  Makes sense, right?  Understand that someone choosing not to take your advice does not mean that they are rejecting you as a person or that they are necessarily making a bad decision.  Maybe they are, maybe they aren't, but this decision is theirs, not yours, and you need to respect that.  
    There are as many variables in decision making as their are kinds of decisions to make - they are endless.  Even if you think you know all the variables in a situation, inevitably you don't.  It is impossible for any of us to detect all of the things that influence us as we are unaware of most of them, anything from our childhood experiences to the weather outside could be affecting us.  Since we can't put a finger on all of these ourselves there's no way we could share them with someone else, even if we wanted to.
    Also, as with many things in life, advice is something we often put in our pocket and then pull out later, either in full or in part.  Rather than being concerned with the result of whether or not someone takes your advice try to focus more on sharing what has been helpful to you and leave it to them whether they use it or not.  While it is very important not to minimize someones situation by trumping it with your own, it is helpful to share specific things that have been helpful to you, and why.   I once told a friend (sarcastically) that as a mother of four young children I don't think I should give advice to new moms for a few years, I'm too jaded!  However it is important, especially as someone "deeper in to parenting" that I don't end up minimizing their difficulties and or make statements such as "if only my life were as easy as yours!" If I were to tell a mother of one that it was super easy to fly with one child and she shouldn't complain about it,  it would be both unhelpful and untrue.  The truth is that I flew last week with one child and it was easy.  For me.  It was very easy to fly with one even tempered child compared to flying with three or four children.  I also flew with one child back when I only had one, and it was so much harder than flying alone!  Had Eowyn been in a different mood I also might not have been thinking of how easy it was either. Perspective is everything.  So what would be helpful to tell a parent traveling with a baby for the first time?  "I found it very helpful to have formula ready to before take off.  (Or, if you're nursing, make sure you're baby hasn't just eaten, as nursing/feeding during take off can help keep their ears from hurting due to the elevation change.)  Also helpful to know?  Even though you can normally only bring 3 ounces of liquid through security this is does not fully apply to traveling with infants.  You are allowed to bring what is a reasonable amount of formula/baby food for the flight."  That is so much more helpful.  Do they need to take you up on it? No, but now they have that information and can do with it as they please.
    Having a professional weightlifter tell me bench pressing 200 lbs is easy would NOT be helpful to me, even though it probably is easy for them.  What would be helpful in that situation would be training tips.  Training tips are things that they did that helped them, that you can either do yourself or perhaps change them to fit your own needs, or not use them at all. Think of giving advice in this way.
      Try to give practical applications to practice.  If someone asks me how to make a cheesecake and I say "Be careful to follow the recipe," that is not very helpful.  They could have done that themselves.  However, if I say "It is helpful to make sure the cream cheese is soft, as it is essential for a silky smooth filling.  I usually pull mine out of the fridge in the morning if I am cooking at night, or before bed if baking in the morning" it's much more practical.  Here I have given a helpful hint as well as the information they need to do it themselves.  Don't assume.  You might think that everyone knows how to make cream cheese soft, but to them that might mean "pull it from the fridge 20 minutes early" which it most certainly does not.  Leaving this information out can either keep them from being as successful as possible or cause them to feel dumb and not want to ask, or, worst case,  if they already know it will simply reinforce it in their minds as well as clarify what I meant.
     Be careful not to talk down to people.  Whether or not you're well versed in the subject and they're a newbie, no one wants to feel inferior. This can cause people to shut down and keep them from hearing your point.
     Lastly, make it a point to pause and leave room for questions or comments. Although giving advice is great and helps us to feel important, needed and appreciated,  don't forget that they may have just as much or more advice to share as well.  Relationships that go both ways really are the healthiest and promote both respect and good will among both parties, no matter the relationship.  No one likes to be shut down, and everyone likes to feel heard and understood.  Modeling respectful ways of giving advice to others is a great way to show how you like to receive advice, as well as build positive relationships.

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