Appreciating Progress

   I have been beyond blessed to have four wonderful children.  These children mean the world to me, and yet they have the uncanny ability to make compassionate, kind, caring me really, really mad.  The other day, for example, Stirling was dishing out his own snack during preschool.  He had four carrot sticks, three crackers and two apple slice and was reaching for more when I told him he couldn't have more apples until he ate what was already on his placemat, a rule he already knows.  He was enraged.  Then he continued for the next twenty minutes to not eat any of his snack and throw a huge tantrum while I stuck by what I had said.  In the end he somehow got over it and moved on, I was outwardly pretty cool but inside I was ticked and extremely annoyed. This was the third tantrum of the day and all while the other two children  (several others were sick that day) sat by and watched.
     Lately I have found myself growing quicker to anger than normal.  Dismayed at this self-discovery, I decided to take some time to pray about it.  For the past several months I have been studying James 1:19 "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."    The last few months?  You might ask. Didn't you just say that recently you've been struggling with anger?  Yes, yes I did.  Is it surprising that having read this verse many, many times I still have a tendency to fly off the handle?  Perhaps not.  We all know that reading a verse and knowing what we should do mean nothing  if we do not actively apply them to our lives.  Anger is a tricky one because it often comes as a reaction, we need to train our reactions to do something that is unnatural to our human nature, and that is a hard, yet not impossible, thing to do.  I believe that this is where the holy spirit comes in.  Where I live my life is such a way that I am not trying to do things on my own strength, but allowing the holy spirit to work in me, to slow me down and help me to listen.  Deep breathing helps a lot with this.  I do a lot of deep breathing these days.  So now you might ask, if you do a lot of deep breathing these days and slowing yourself down why do you say you're still struggling in this area of anger?  I'll tell you why, it's because it's a process.  We, as American's and perhaps as humans in general don't like processes.  We like instant gratification.  We don't want to be patient, we want results!  And we have trouble seeing the progress we are making, which often causes us to become discouraged.  We live in a pass/fail culture.  Either you are successful or you are not.  You pass the class or you fail the class.  You're a good guy, or a bad guy - yet we know that in most areas of our lives this is not really true.  We are on a journey as people, as parents, as children, and as friends and coworkers.  We tend to look at the situations where we have not responded as well as we wish we had and feel frustrated, discouraged and dissapointed with ourselves.  In general, seeing situations thus does not encourage us to overcome the next time but tends to spiral us down in feeling of overall negativity and self doubt.   This is where we must retrain ourselves to see things in a different way, to see the progress we do make rather than simply seeing our failures. 
      As I have written about before, I am currently working to lose weight and get healthier.  This is a journey, one with us and downs.  So much of this journey is affected by not just the things I do physically, but where I am at mentally.  The other day I was looking at current photos of myself and feeling a little discouraged. I have been working out regularly for six months now and still feel I have a long way to go (because I do) before I get to a really healthy place for my body.  As I was thinking about this I had to stop myself, this wasn't helpful. What was helpful?  To look at how far I have come.  I have lost 20 lbs, slowly, it's true, but I have continued to lose weight.  More than that, I am getting strong, and I feel so much better about myself.  So, while I do have a long way to go, I choose to dwell on how far I have come rather than what I have yet to do. This is the attitude we should have in all areas of our lives.  Looking for forward movement and being encouraged to keep going.  Instead of dwelling on all the times I've given in and gotten angry and yelled at my children, I am choosing to see all the times I have chosen not to.  I choose to remember the times that I have taken deep breaths and slowed myself down instead of reacting to situations.  (Even as I write this I am ignoring a tantrum my son is throwing, having told him that when he calms down for twenty minutes I will build a block castle with him. This is not easy for me to do, yet it is working.) I choose to remember the times that I have slowed myself down in my busy day and taken the time to play with my children or read a book to them.  I choose to love them in spite of their temper tantrums and so I choose to love myself in spite of my sometimes negative responses to these temper tantrums.  I choose to see myself how my heavenly Father sees me, someone on a journey.  A journey learning to love as he loves and listen as he listens.  I refuse to start a downward cycle every time I give in to anger.  I choose to ask for forgiveness and move on, loving these children, and my spouse, on this journey of life.
   
James 1:2-5 says "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,
 whenever you face trials of many kinds,

because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.

 

      What a great reminder that all of these trials are not for naught and that we are not alone.  Give yourself grace, ask for wisdom and continue to love those around you, regardless of how they respond to you.  We can only control ourselves, but our responses do effect others one way or another.   Happy Holidays my friends, and may the struggles of this season not get the best of you!

Lessons I've learned through marriage

     This past summer I went to several bridal showers, and one thing that happens at most bridal showers is that they ask women who've been married for a while to write down a piece of advice for the couple.  They do this, because anyone who's been in a relationship (and even those who haven't) knows that relationships are tricky and any tips and tricks you've figured out for yourself might be able to give this couple a little boost.  It's a great idea, however I often sit there thinking "What's a piece of advice I've learned...I've been married 9 years, should have figured out something....what's just one thing....drawing a blank here."   Usually I come up with something in the end, sometimes I don't.  Mostly I think this is because it's hard to be put on the spot, but also I think that sometimes in order to give advice we feel as though we have to have it all figured out and that's just not true. You never "figure it all out" we are all growing and learning new things all the time, and relationships are no different.
      So after the last time this happened I sat down to think about it a little bit.  I know that I've learned a lot of helpful things along the way, so what are they.  If I can't cognitively remember the things I've learned, how am I supposed to remember them in the heat of frustration?  So, for my own sake, I made a list.  And for the sake of anyone in any kind of relationship I've decided to share that list.  No promises it will be helpful to you, but here it is.

1.  Make an effort to appreciate each other's hobbies.  Notice the language here.  You don't have to love, or even enjoy your spouses hobbies, but if you put a little effort into learning about them you might surprise yourself.  At the very least, try not to roll your eyes and resent them when they come up.  A few months after Seth and I first got married I commented that we never just sat and talked anymore.  To my surprise,  he said to me "I know. You're not interested in the things I'm interested in."  Seth really enjoys working on old cars (not cool old cars, ugly old cars) and not being a mechanically minded person, the whole subject bored me to death.  After he said that though, I decided to make an effort.  I asked questions, I watched youtube videos with him.  I learned what a transfer case was, I learned how to tell if a truck is a 1/2 ton, 3/4 ton or 1 ton and so on (oh how I always wanted to know that!) and now I love cars...Oh wait, no, I don't.  However, now that I understand more I am not near as bored when he talks about them.  I can picture a little bit what he's talking about, I can respect his interest and I can get excited with him.   I don't hate watching car shows, though they're not my first pick. Now that I have more knowledge I can also veto expensive unnecessary car parts without much argument.  More importantly, because I made an effort to care about what he cares about, he did the same to me, and we found ourselves naturally talking to each other again about the things we were excited about, both individual and shared interests.

2.  This one comes off of the first, but it's worth mentioning.  Find the hobbies you enjoy doing together and focus on those.  Don't have any?  Create some.  Seth and I both love the outdoors, but you really have to plan that or it doesn't happen. We decided to camp once a month all year long.  And we did. This is how, we pulled out the calendar in January and marked off 12 weekends.  If something came up later in the year (which happened much less often then you'd think) we would simply re-schedule it.  We got the stuff together we needed to camp comfortably for us and our children (at the time it was only one child) and we had a blast.  After two years we found ourselves going just because we said we'd go and realized winter tent camping isn't for the faint of heart, and wasn't our favorite family activity, so we changed it to once a month (or more) May through September.  What happened is that we created a camping culture in our family and it's stuck.  Our children love getting out in the woods and so do we.  
    Another hobby we've taken up is bow hunting.  Well, Seth has.  I've never been a hunter and I'm still not, but when Seth got a bow and started target shooting a lot we quickly realized that this could be very time consuming but that archery could be something our whole family could do together.  Especially since we live out of town and can shoot our bows on our property it's become a shared activity we all enjoy, even the kids.  I find it very stress relieving to go outside and shoot my bow,  even just for 15 minutes or so.  Once they get better I think the kids will really like it, right now they enjoy it for about ten minutes.  Hobbies can draw you together or push you apart.  They take time, money, and energy.  They are important but shouldn't isolate you from each other too much.  It's totally fine to have hobbies you do alone, but talk to each other to find a balance of your activities, their activities and shared activities.  I think this becomes even more important when children to come into the picture, specifically for women, because children can unintentionally become their only hobby and that's both overwhelming and unhealthy.  We all need a break sometimes.

3.  Learn your spouses love language.  If you're not familiar with the five love languages I would highly recommend the book "The five love languages" (go figure) by Gary Chapman.  At the very least I'd suggest taking the free online quiz.  https://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/  The idea is that we all feel love in different ways and we all show love in different ways.  For me, Quality time, Gift giving and Acts of Service are very high, while words of affirmation is low and Physical touch is virtually non-existent.  Seth however is highest in Physical touch.  You can see how this could be a problem, mostly if I was not aware of it (which I wasn't for about five years.)  Naturally we tend to show love how we receive it, but not only is it not helpful, it can be detrimental.  I would be sweeping the kitchen at the end of the day and Seth would come up, stop me, and give me a hug.  I literally thought he was trying to sabotage me.  He had no clue why I was frustrated, he was just trying to say "I love you."  Now I still fight the urge to be annoyed when my productivity is squashed by an embrace, but I recognize his goal is to show me love.  Also, he tries to remember this and helps out more than he used to.  If we continually spend time and energy to show love in ways our spouse does not appreciate we will feel frustrated and annoyed, and they will still feel unloved and in some cases, feel unknown.

4. Don't ask questions to trap your spouse.  This comes up most often during arguments, and it's most commonly (but not exclusively) done by women.  Questions like these, "Don't you love me anymore?"  "Do you think I'm fat?" People joke about stuff like this, but honestly It's not funny if you're holding a grudge.  If there's no good answer than it's a trap and it's detrimental to your marriage.  No good can come of it.  I have only done this once.  We had been married less than a year and we were arguing about something and I was feeling hurt.  I turned to him and asked "Are you sorry you married me?"  There was a pause.  Then he said no, but it was too late, the pause was too long.  For a moment I felt justified in my pain, he doesn't care about me the way he used to! Then, clearer than I ever have I heard the Lord before, I heard him tell me (not audibly) "Don't do that ever again." It was as though he'd spoken it out loud.   Don't ask questions in anger that have no good answer, all they bring is hurt.  They never help anything.  Seth had paused because he was mad, not because he didn't love me and not because he was sorry he married me. I had wanted to wallow in self-pity, but it was not helpful.  If it's not going to bring life to your marriage, don't ask it.

5.  Go to bed at the same time.   This is actually a piece of advice some friends gave us right before we got married and it has served us well.  There are times when we don't go to bed at the same time under special circumstances, but in  general, we do.  It's such a positive connecting time, some of our best conversations have happened when we were going to bed.

6.  Don't have serious discussions after 9pm.  I have heard people say not after 8, but since our kids don't go to bed until 8 that's not practical for us and as long as it's before 9:30 or 10 it usually goes well.  The key here, no matter the hour is to not be having serious discussions when you are really tired.  You become more sensitive, less logical and much more reactive when you are tired.  If you find yourselves going in circles take moment to stop and see if you can peacefully agree to come back to the subject at another time.  Sometimes we find that in the morning it's actually not even an issue anymore, we were simply feeling exhausted overworked and under appreciated by one another and in the morning we could see that we were both doing all that we could and that sometimes being a grown up (and especially a parent) is just plain hard, but it looks better with rest.

7.  Take time to share with each other how you process information.  If you haven't already done this in some way I would encourage you to.  Seth and I already knew we processed things differently but a few years ago on a road trip we had a long discussion about it, and discovered a lot.  I am a verbal processor, I have to sort things out as I am saying them most of the time.  Often times I repeat what I have said several times, changing it just slightly.  This is not just to make a point, it's because I'm editing myself.  I might say something and realize that's not quite what I meant and restate it.  Or I might say the exact same thing twice, the second time is me reiterating that's what I meant.  Seth does all this processing mentally.  It's like he has a big chalkboard in his head and he's sorting everything out before he says it.  Just thinking about trying to do this makes my head hurt.  Two very different styles, but now that we know, at least in a nutshell, how the other person thinks we have much more grace for one another.

8. When you feel drained, don't be a martyr.  Think about what you need or what would be helpful, specifically, and ask for it.  If we don't know what the other person needs it's very hard to help them.

9.  Frequently take time to remember the things you love about your spouse.  Tell them these things.  Encourage one another.  It's easy to get so busy doing life that you start to feel more like coworkers than spouses.  Don't make this mistake.  When it seems the hardest to find time to enjoy one another, that's when you need it the most.  Never stop making each other a priority.

So there you have it, these are just a few of the many lessons of learned this past decade.  If you have any nuggets of wisdom you've picked up I'd love to hear them as well

Making the change - my journey to a healthier lifestyle

  Everyone says that after you work out you feel amazing. AMAZING.  Three and a half months ago I would have had to disagree with you.  All of you.  I had been talking to a dear friend of mine who had told me she was doing a 30 day trial at a new gym in town called Burn Bootcamp.  It's mostly for women, only 45 minutes long (they have just one workout each day that they offer several different times, both morning and afternoons.)  It had a free two week trial, which included child care and three of my friends were currently going.  Sounds amazing.  I wasn't going to go.  Partially because I was already in superior physical shape and partially because it sounded like a lot of work and I didn't want to go.  Oh wait, I wasn't in superior shape, in fact the wear and tear of adding four babies in seven years had made quite the significant impact on my life.  So there it is, it sounded like a lot of work and I didn't want to go. 

     The problem is that even though I didn't want to go I was extremely aware that something needed to change.  Growing up I always had a kind of athletic build, not the super toned kind, but the sturdy, can lift lots of weight kind.  I didn't obsess over my size.  I might have wished my stomach was a little flatter, but I could do pretty much anything I wanted to do and that was always enough. As I got older and moved to Bend, Oregon I remained active, even taking up new sports, such as cross country skiing, rock climbing and even running.  Then I started having knee issues and backed off of running while still continuing to enjoy the outdoors.  Along came Seth and I ended up moving back to Sheridan and getting married.  Then we had a baby, moved to Corvallis and after several miscarriages had another baby.  Working out came and went for me as I adjusted to life with a baby, then a baby and pregnant and so on.  Weight came a little at a time with each pregnancy and left, a little less each time after each baby.  After three babies I was diagnosed with carpal tunnel from nursing my babies at night while holding them with my wrist in an odd position.  The idea of working out seemed overwhelming as I had to be careful of my knees, and my wrists wouldn't even support my weight. My active lifestyle became a "just maintaining" lifestyle and then not even.
     The less active I got the more overwhelmed I felt.  Raising kids is hard enough without feeling like you just can't get ahead.  The idea of rock climbing again felt ridiculous and yet I thought about it with longing, not so much for that particular activity but more the feeling that I was healthy enough to do all the activities I enjoyed.
      After my fourth (and last) child I had all the excuses not to work out, but even that doesn't make the need go away. So when Liana told me she was going to Burn bootcamp and that I could try it for free and take my kids with me too, I decided not to overthink it and just go enjoy two weeks of free child care.  So I went.  And I died.  Only I didn't, I just felt that way.  My first day was a high energy cardio workout (never my strong suit) and as I made my way through a circuit of burpees, double under jump roping, hurdles and many other exercises I found myself struggling.  I couldn't catch my breath, I felt light headed and about to throw up. Worse than all that however was my mental battle. The battle in my mind that said it was too little, too late.  That all I had was not enough.  I was worse off than I thought and this just might be too much for me. I didn't seem to be able to modify it enough to not struggle.  I was always going to be overweight and out of control.  Afterwards I did not feel amazing, I felt defeated. I went in the bathroom and cried.  The next day I did the only thing I could do,  I came back.  I don't give up easily and I was determined that this wasn't an area I was going to give up on.  It was a leg day and I could harldy walk up stairs for three days afterwards my muscles were so tight, but at one point there was an excercise that I absolutely excelled at. It was my first win.  I did really well at it, and it gave me hope.  I kept coming.  At the end of the next week I had to use my inhaler several times and ended up hyperventilating at the end of a particularly hard work out. It was embarrassing to say the least, but I was seeing improvements.  My mantra began to be, "just keep moving" and "push a little harder than you think you can." My two weeks had turned into a month as someone had given me a 30 day pass, but as the days went by I knew I was going to need so much more than a month.  This particular program has memberships that you sign up for in increments of 6 months, getting cheaper the longer you sign up for.  The most I felt I could commit to was a year, but it felt like a big commitment both physically and financially.  This is what it came down to though, it was a break from the kids, I had friends going and my husband encouraged it, and (after that first week) I felt great afterward.  If I wasn't going to do this now, I was probably never going to make the changes I needed to to be healthy. That was a sobering thought.  At some point you just have to put in the work.  Seth was the one who really encouraged me to do it, so I did. I knew summer was coming up and that's a super busy time so I gave myself the goal of working out 12 times a month.  That way even if I was gone a week I could make it up.  It's been a good challenge, and I've made it every month and have often exceeded my goal.  I was gone for eighteen days in July (scattered around) and still made it happen.  I have found myself looking forward to workouts as well as connecting with friends, both old ones and new.  Although I knew my body would be positively impacted by regular exercise I did not realize how much it would affect my mind.  I feel like a weight has been lifted and the negative thoughts that made me feel so overwhelming trapped are going away.  I had been dreading the hard work, but now I relish it.  My whole life is effected. I am more disciplined, I eat better, I get up earlier, and I get more quiet time.  Having my quiet devotional time always refocuses me on the Lord and reminds me to look to him for my strength.  I really can't do any of this on my own and I need to stop trying.  All this brings out a kinder, more loving, more connected mother and wife.  I used to find myself feeling annoyed when I would read posts like this about people who were losing weight and getting healthy, mostly because it reminded me of all that I was lacking. So if this post annoys you, I get it, but I would encourage you to look and see what small thing you can change.  We have to be willing to put in the work in one area or another to make changes. I simply wasn't willing for a long time, that's the truth.  The workouts I once dreaded have become a source of coping for daily stress.  No matter how tired I am I always feel better after. I really do.   A year ago I don't think I would have mentally been ready for this commitment, but even then I decided to make one change.  I started planning meals.  Being intentional in one area helped prepare me for bigger changes ahead.  The biggest thing that used to hold me back was the fear that I would put out a lot of time and energy and not see results.  I didn't believe I could change, so I didn't.  Then I thought it might be possible and found that it is.  My knees still ache, my wrists still have carpal tunnel and I have to do pushups on my fists.  I still have a lot of weight to lose but I am stronger than I was and will continue to get even stronger. I know that I can do a little more than I have done before, so I do.  That is how we move forward.  Whatever it is in your life that you struggle to change I would challenge you to take one step forward.  Find that one thing you can change and then change it.  When you're ready, challenge yourself to do more.  I think you will find yourself more capable than you thought.   Thank you to my friends who challenged themselves first and continue to encourage me to do the same.                  
                         

Memorial Day

     Memorial day.  The last long weekend of the school year and the first real sign of summer.  A holiday that is associated with BBQ's and camping trips.  For some it ends there, but for many others it's so much more.
     Growing up every Memorial day was magical to me.  My whole family would go to Tilikum day Camp in Carlton, OR along with my grandparents for a day canoeing, fishing, and hiking.  This place is still has a special place in my heart.  I caught my first fish there, a rainbow trout.  My grandpa Leroy made me take it off the hook and I almost gave up fishing.  I think I was about 7 years old.   In the afternoon we would sit under a shady tree at a picnic table with an iconic red and white table cloth and eat KFC chicken, mashed potatoes, bisquits and drink cold lemonade.  The table was always adorned with a stand holding little flags, the American flag and the Marine corp flag.  At the time I didn't think much of it, but that little holiday stood for so much more than chicken and fishing trips for my grandparents.    As my grandparents got older we stopped going to Tilikum and would instead have a BBQ at their house, eating hamburgers and drinking lemonade around the same stand of flags, enjoying family and remembering those who'd died for this country.
   I remember one year in particular we did something a little different. We all loaded up in our cars and went to a big Memorial somewhere near Portland.  Standing there looking out at all those flags, a representation of so much loss and sacrifice even I couldn't help but be overcome by the magnitude of it all, though the names on the wall and the little markers didn't have faces or stories to go with them. However as I looked over at my Grandfather, one of the strongest men I've ever known and saw tears streaming down his face, you could almost see the memories washing over him.  This might be the only time I ever saw him cry and it had I will never forget it.  This big, strong man shaking and with sobs of grief and loss.  I had always heard the footnotes version of his experiences in WW2, and those stories were foggy at best in my memory.  His best friend (and many other friends) had been killed, he'd had to jump out of a plane that was hit at one point (or one of his friends had? Not positive about this one.)  He had served 20 years in the Marine's and then retired to become a Post Master in El Cajon, CA (or somewhere in that vacinity.)   I always wanted to know more, but somehow it seemed a sacred, avoided subject. So much loss.   My Grandmother had her own loses as her one and only brother, her baby brother, Ira Cornell had died along with two other soldiers somewhere in France as they helped save a town from the enemy.  There is actually a statue in their honor standing to this day in that same town.   All these things I knew, but what I knew more than the stories, told and untold alike was the shadow they left behind.  They weren't something to be lingered upon or shared often, but what was always impressed upon me was to be grateful for their sacrifice, and remember what had been given for this country they loved so much.  The freedoms we love and take for granted, and the freedoms that allow us at times to diss those who gave them to us (how ironic is that?)   I hear shouts and soldiers "Peace, not war." Peace?  Yes, these men and women wanted Peace.  They fought for peace and it meant more to them than it does to us because they knew what it was like not to have it.  They saw the price they needed to pay and gladly paid it.  Men and women continue to do so today.  So whether or not I agree with all the politics surrounding the armed forces, may I never forget to thank those who serve and to remember those whose lives have made mine possible.  To my father who graduated early to serve in the Marines, Thank you.  To both my grandfathers, gone before me and my great Aunt Margaret as well, thank you.  And for those of you who are serving today or are family members of those serving (we know that the sacrifice you make is just as great), Thank you.   Wishing you all a happy Memorial day.

The true heros of Birthdays

Tomorrow I turn 35 years old.  As much as I love Birthdays (and believe me, I do) ever since becoming a mom I can't help but think about my mom every time my birthday comes up.  When I was a child I remember waking up on my Birthday only to have my mom standing over me, wishing me many happy wishes from the get go.  She has always made me feel special, but even more so when Birthday's approach.  As a mother myself,  I too get giddy at the upcoming birthdays of my children, I recall to myself over and over what it was like those last uncomfortable weeks and days, the anticipation and joy as we welcomed each of our children into this world. 
   When it comes to my own Birthday, I now can't help but be overcome with gratitude for my mom.  At 2 1/2 weeks overdue (when my older two siblings were each two weeks early) and weighing in at 9 lbs, the largest of all my mom' babies) my mom was definitely ready for my birth.  Every day for over a month she must have been anticipating the upcoming event, but to no avail until finally on one mid January day in 1983, I made my entrance.  Giving birth to a child is so miraculous and yet so painstakingly hard.  First you carry them for nine months, facing both physical sickness and mental struggles,  random ailments attacking from all sides, as well as expectations, fears, and exhaustion, just a few of the feelings that can overwhelm you as you're faced with the onslaught of pregnancy hormones. Giving birth however is just the beginning, you now have to raise the child.  The next five years come down with a sort of boot camp intensity, strengthening your long suffering while seemingly attempting to flush out all of your weaknesses at once.  After the young years come the slightly less physically demanding, yet even more daunting task of raising these pre-teeens and then teenagers into the kind of adults we want to have relationship with.  I have not yet gotten to the phase, but as I watch friends go through it and remember my own childhood, I know it's not easy. My parents both did a great job in this area (parenting,) my hat is off to you, Mom and Dad.
    On Birthdays we celebrate people as though they did something amazing on this day, when really all the hard work was done by someone else, and they simply did what they could not keep from doing if they tried. They were born.  Having both been born and given birth (four times,) I assure you, being born is the much easier feat.
       All my life people have commented on how much I am like my mother, in both appearance and personality.  When this has been told in both of our hearing my mom's often response has been something to the effect of "Michelle is my one child that's like me, though she hates that."  I sit there awkwardly, not saying anything.  I honestly can't remember what I thought of those comments as a child, but as an adult I know that my silence has long been misunderstood by her.  It is not at all that I would not want to look like/act like her, but rather from disbelief.  I know and believe that we have similarities, but she is one of the most active, vibrant, caring, generous, beautiful and kind people I know.  She loves relentlessly, serves Jesus unfailingly and pours herself out endlessly to family, friends, and strangers alike.  If I, in anyway resemble her in either form or spirit, I am humbled and thankful.   So on this day that she went into labor and later gave birth 36 years ago, I am exceedingly grateful to you Mom, and will always be proud to be your child.  Thank you for your sacrifice.  And Dad, I know you were there too, and though different your sacrifices were different, they have been no less. Thank you.

Re-evaluating our excpectations and ideas of what's important, and what isn't

    Expectations.  Ours, others and even imagined ones can bring about limitless amounts of stress.  When reached they can also give us a great amount of satisfaction, but at what cost?  I have never been a perfectionist and have always run along the lines of "Do something to the level that you can still enjoy it" but even I wince when someone says (or I think to myself) "Better lower your expectations" or "lower the bar!"  These words cause me to grimace and sigh.  They say to me "You're not gonna make it, better quit while you're behind."  They tell me I'm not good enough and that nothing I can do is ever going to be enough.  They are lies.  They make me feel like a failure, when in reality I have often simply bitten off more than I can chew.
    I love to do lists.  I sit there at 6:30 in the morning with my coffee and journal, in front of the fire and make big plans for the day.  I feel accomplished just writing them.  In my head I know I can do it all, in fact, I should probably add a few more items.  Several weeks ago this was my list: 1. Clean house 2. Make snack for HOME group (my mom's group). 3. Get to HOME early in time for prayer. 4. Go grocery shopping 5. Get kids home and make them lunch.  etc.  But then life happens, 7:45 rolls along and I'm already behind.  The snack I was going to make has turned into "pick up donuts," breakfast dishes litter the table and half dressed children run rampant.  The clock is ticking faster than I can imagine and my stress levels are rising.  Throwing shoes on my son (for the third time, he'squite the shoe remover) I grab him in one arm and the baby in the other, balancing my purse and other necessities between the two and head to the car. (Apparently I don't believe in making multiple trips if at all possible.) No longer having enough time to hand pick the donuts I quickly grab a box of day olds from the local donut shop and jump in the car.  Feeling warn out and slightly defeated, I pull into the parking lot, rush to drop off my kids, and finally plop myself into a free chair, not only have I not made it in time for prayer but I'm a full ten minutes late...again.  Almost two hours later, feeling somewhat rejuvenated from adult conversation, snacks, and a little break, I go to fetch my kids and once again chaos ensues. With difficulty I wrangle the now almost hysterical children (near dying from starvation and exhaustion it appears) and  head to the grocery store while the meltdowns continue.  Quickly nixing the "make lunch" part, I pick up corndogs (shamefacedly trying to talk myself into believing that they have corn in them and that must have been a vegetable at some point, right?) and hand them to my kids as I rush home in hopes of getting them to sleep.  Exhausted I flop onto the couch and feel DONE and it's only 12:30  So much for all my morning plans!
  I could repaint this picture a hundred times with different details, lists, experiences, etc. but in the end they would all have the same feeling of "not quite cutting it."  However, this year I have been taking a step back.  I have been doing something I hadn't thought of often before, and it's changing my life.  I am changing my language.  I am not "lowering the bar" I am re-evaluating what is important, what really matters, and what I can do and changing things accordingly.  This is what I'm starting to do, when I start feeling behind I stop and take a time out (often while driving, but it works.)  I think about what my goals are for the day and what I really want to accomplish.  So, in this case I might say my goals are 1. Go to HOME group 2. Bring a snack 3. Get groceries 4. Feed kids  5. Nap time  6. Clean house before going to bed
  Then, I would go on with my day as before, only this time I am not running behind, at least not impossibly so.  I get in the car when I can, grab a snack and get in my seat before it's over.  First three goals, accomplished!  Then I run to winco, grab them food from the deli and throw some carrots in the mix, run home to put them in bed.  Then during nap I rest, or clean, or whatever.  Or maybe they don't nap and we cuddle and read books, and we still call it a win.  Either way my whole outlook on the day is changed even though the results were virtually the same.  See the difference?
   There is so much pressure out there to be the best mom/dad/person, to be successful, to have the perfect home, kids, etc.  But what does that even mean?  What is the best? What's perfect and what does it look like to be succesful?  Everyone has their own opinion of what this looks like, so if you're looking for others approval you'll probably end up feeling like you can ever quite make it, because they're all different. Sometimes we even have our own ideas of what we want and it turns out they're just not practical.  For me I need to look at the bigger picture, what do I want for myself and for my family?  Happiness?  Not always possible, nor is it always the best goal even if it were to be possible.  Seeking only happiness is a rather discouraging journey.  There are just too many factors, many beyond our control and it tends to create pretty self-centered people as well.  When we "seek to be happy" we often assume (wrongly) that this is most dependent on our circumstances and not what we make of them, when really our attitude and what we do in difficult circumstances is much more important. What I really want for myself and my family is for us to learn to be content in our circumstances.  To look at what I have and see it as enough.  To see myself as enough and for my children to see this too.  I want to see more than myself and my circumstances, I want to see others and love them right where they're at.  I don't want to give up on setting goals and pushing myself and even having expectations but rather let these be more fluid, changing even as we change as people but holding secure to the things that are really important to us.
    A couple of years ago Seth and I were in Bend for the weekend.  Mikaiah was almost 4 and Sequoia was 18 months and I was six months pregnant.  I really wanted to take Mikaiah ice skating  so we drove up to the Inn at the Seventh Mountain, where they have an outdoor ice rink.  As we were driving up there Seth asked me "What are your goals for this trip?"  I hadn't really thought about that before.  Since Sequoia was too young to skate, she and Seth were just going to watch on the sidelines.  Not being the cheapest of outings I think he was afraid it would end up feeling like a wasted trip. "I guess I want her to come away having enjoyed it and wanting to go again" I told him.  And as I said it, I knew it really was true.  I knew there was a chance we'd only be on the ice 5 minutes, but if that five minutes left her with a smile and wanting more, than it would be a win.  Mikaiah and I took to the ice and with me holding her hands we made our way all the way around the rink and then stopped to rest.  She had the biggest smile on her face, as did I.  We did this four more times (taking almost an hour, I'm sure) and called it a day.  Sequoia had not been thrilled about being left out,  but upon getting hot chocolate along with the rest of us before leaving, she was appeased.   What a great day.  On the way home Mikaiah told me "I think I'm ready to have my very own Ice Rink now." hahaha.  As we drove home and I reflected on the day, I realized I could not have hoped for it to have a better ending.  I think much of this had to do with my own expectations.  Since then I try to apply this every time I go on an outing.   Usually with the expectations being along the lines of being able to enjoy some of what we did and going away wanting to do it again.  Wishing for a trip with no melt downs or delays is like jumping into a lake and hoping you won't get wet.  Doing things with littles is challenging, but can be so rewarding. When you're expectation are more realistic you're much less likely to end up disappointed.
    I know that all of my examples here have to do with raising kids and surviving mom-hood, but I do believe that the practice of re-evaluating our goals and expectations is key to all of us in the hope of living a content life.  It's not about lowering expectations, it's about changing them.  It's about realizing what's important to us and figuring out what really needs to be done, and what doesn't, to get there.  It's about doing what we can to lessen our stress levels and give ourselves the greatest chance of success. And that is something entirely different.

Advice; for those who love to give it.

Advice.  It's everywhere.  We give it, we receive it, and we ask for it. Sometimes we have to ask not to receive any more of it.  Regardless, there is no doubt that giving and receiving advice plays a huge part in our lives.  It can help us make great choices or pressure us into making poor ones.  When used well, receiving advice can greatly improve our lives. It helps us get jobs, both gain and maintain relationships, learn knew skills and adapt to new situations. Knowing how to appropriately give and receive advice can greatly benefit the people you surround yourself with, as well of course, as your own life.    The problem is, due to varying circumstances, personalities and priorities even great advice for you could be disastrous for me.
       It may seem that whether advice is helpful or not strictly depends upon the content of the advice, but I believe that is far from the truth.  There are many aspects that can help us to both be able to sort through advice and deliver it in ways that are much more effective.   I will touch on a few of these, beginning with giving advice to others.  I will talk more about learning to effectively receive advice in a future post.
       I will not say that I have mastered giving advice, for we have all given flawed/irrelevant advice from time to time, but I do think I have some insight to pass on in this area,  so I'll go ahead and give you a few  suggestions and you can take them or leave them.
       One very important thing to do when giving advice is to listen.  You may think you know where the person you're talking to is coming from, but taking the time to listen to them and hear their questions and/or concerns about a certain situation will make them feel heard, let them know you are fully aware of where they're coming from, as well as more completely fill you in on what they're wanting advice on. The next thing you want to do is be careful with your delivery.  Although you may believe 100% in the information you're offering, even after hearing it, they may not agree, and that's okay.  For example, in my opinion the Ergo baby carrier is the best out there.  My opinion is based on the fact that it has worked so well for me and all of my four children.  It is easy to use, versatile, cute, and comfortable.  I have used several different kinds and love this one the most.  Many people agree with me, but not everyone (even among people who've used them - if you can image that!)  Why is this?  It's because we're looking for different things, raising different children, and have different bodies.  All of these impact our experiences.  A friend of mine has two children and neither could stand the thing.  Clearly it was therefor not a good fit for my friend to continue to use one.  Makes sense, right?  Understand that someone choosing not to take your advice does not mean that they are rejecting you as a person or that they are necessarily making a bad decision.  Maybe they are, maybe they aren't, but this decision is theirs, not yours, and you need to respect that.  
    There are as many variables in decision making as their are kinds of decisions to make - they are endless.  Even if you think you know all the variables in a situation, inevitably you don't.  It is impossible for any of us to detect all of the things that influence us as we are unaware of most of them, anything from our childhood experiences to the weather outside could be affecting us.  Since we can't put a finger on all of these ourselves there's no way we could share them with someone else, even if we wanted to.
    Also, as with many things in life, advice is something we often put in our pocket and then pull out later, either in full or in part.  Rather than being concerned with the result of whether or not someone takes your advice try to focus more on sharing what has been helpful to you and leave it to them whether they use it or not.  While it is very important not to minimize someones situation by trumping it with your own, it is helpful to share specific things that have been helpful to you, and why.   I once told a friend (sarcastically) that as a mother of four young children I don't think I should give advice to new moms for a few years, I'm too jaded!  However it is important, especially as someone "deeper in to parenting" that I don't end up minimizing their difficulties and or make statements such as "if only my life were as easy as yours!" If I were to tell a mother of one that it was super easy to fly with one child and she shouldn't complain about it,  it would be both unhelpful and untrue.  The truth is that I flew last week with one child and it was easy.  For me.  It was very easy to fly with one even tempered child compared to flying with three or four children.  I also flew with one child back when I only had one, and it was so much harder than flying alone!  Had Eowyn been in a different mood I also might not have been thinking of how easy it was either. Perspective is everything.  So what would be helpful to tell a parent traveling with a baby for the first time?  "I found it very helpful to have formula ready to before take off.  (Or, if you're nursing, make sure you're baby hasn't just eaten, as nursing/feeding during take off can help keep their ears from hurting due to the elevation change.)  Also helpful to know?  Even though you can normally only bring 3 ounces of liquid through security this is does not fully apply to traveling with infants.  You are allowed to bring what is a reasonable amount of formula/baby food for the flight."  That is so much more helpful.  Do they need to take you up on it? No, but now they have that information and can do with it as they please.
    Having a professional weightlifter tell me bench pressing 200 lbs is easy would NOT be helpful to me, even though it probably is easy for them.  What would be helpful in that situation would be training tips.  Training tips are things that they did that helped them, that you can either do yourself or perhaps change them to fit your own needs, or not use them at all. Think of giving advice in this way.
      Try to give practical applications to practice.  If someone asks me how to make a cheesecake and I say "Be careful to follow the recipe," that is not very helpful.  They could have done that themselves.  However, if I say "It is helpful to make sure the cream cheese is soft, as it is essential for a silky smooth filling.  I usually pull mine out of the fridge in the morning if I am cooking at night, or before bed if baking in the morning" it's much more practical.  Here I have given a helpful hint as well as the information they need to do it themselves.  Don't assume.  You might think that everyone knows how to make cream cheese soft, but to them that might mean "pull it from the fridge 20 minutes early" which it most certainly does not.  Leaving this information out can either keep them from being as successful as possible or cause them to feel dumb and not want to ask, or, worst case,  if they already know it will simply reinforce it in their minds as well as clarify what I meant.
     Be careful not to talk down to people.  Whether or not you're well versed in the subject and they're a newbie, no one wants to feel inferior. This can cause people to shut down and keep them from hearing your point.
     Lastly, make it a point to pause and leave room for questions or comments. Although giving advice is great and helps us to feel important, needed and appreciated,  don't forget that they may have just as much or more advice to share as well.  Relationships that go both ways really are the healthiest and promote both respect and good will among both parties, no matter the relationship.  No one likes to be shut down, and everyone likes to feel heard and understood.  Modeling respectful ways of giving advice to others is a great way to show how you like to receive advice, as well as build positive relationships.

Working together - appreciating my spouse and all he does.

   Crouching down to fit under the porch, I awkwardly push a wagon filled with two cement pier pads in it for about 50 feet, crawling all the while before shouting out to Seth to see if I was close enough.  "No," he calls "they go over there, up in that corner."  He was pointing to a spot another thirty feet away, where the ceiling was hardly more than 24 inches off of the dirt.  I silently groaned as I bend over to pick up one of the piers and stumble my way forward. The sweat pours down my face, and my arms ache from carrying this heavy load, even just a few feet.  I push forward, struggling against the instinct the drop the pier pad right there in the dirt and rush forward as far as I can and using all my remaining energy, launch it as far as it will go...about three feet.  I then roll it snowball style up the dirt incline until I can push it no further and call it close enough. Breathing heavily I collapse in a heap, dirt covering my face and body.  Only nine more pier pads to go.  Ugh.  "How does he do this all the time?" I wonder.  I roll my head to the side, watching Seth laugh good naturedly at me as he continues to dig from the only place under the house deep enough to stand in.   He's been there all day, working tirelessly without complaint and I had showed up less than an hour ago.  This time we're working on what we hope will be our own home, but usually he's working on other's houses. He's a pretty incredible guy.  Sometimes I forget this.
     Sometimes I feel as though I am doing the majority of the work.  I wake up at all hours of the night to feed, change and soothe whoever might need it. After getting not near enough sleep most  days i wake up, get the kids dressed, fed, and off to school.  I then run errands with the remaining children (2-3 depending on the day), cook, clean, and do a whole lot of refereeing, soothing and diaper changing in between.  I keep things running, if not like a well oiled ship, at least like one that's still sailing and well loved.  Seth comes home from a long day of work, eats dinner and sits down.  I continue to put the kids to bed, wash dishes, sweep floors, pick up toys  and then when I  finally flop down next to him to watch some show I usually fold multiple loads of laundry, and then put them away without waking any children. All day, every day, with very few exceptions.
    At least that's how it feels.  In reality Seth wakes up before six and is out of the house before seven, sometimes earlier.  He heads off to a full day of physical labor, mental problem solving as well as battling the elements (picture siding houses in an Oregon winter or roofing in summer.) He makes his own breakfast and lunch and never once complaining.  He sacrifices for me so I can do what I've always dreamed of, stay home and take care of my babies.  While I "survive" my days by chatting with friends and having our eight children take over the house (though literally some days it does feel like we're barely going to make it through the day), picking berries, or sitting at the beach enjoying the weather while watching lots of children play. Meanwhile my husband just goes on working day in and day out, and deals with all the problems and stresses of the day.  When he comes home he may sit down and take a load off, but he is certainly not uninterrupted.  He happily plays with our kiddos, reads bedtime stories and builds cardboard airplanes. They ride bikes together and he changes his share of diapers.  He is a wonderful dad, just ask his kids.  If Sequoia needs someone to cuddle longer than 2 minutes you better believe it's going to be him, not me.  When we finally settle down, and I do indeed pick up the laundry he often works on paperwork as well.  If he doesn't, who can blame him.  The truth is we both work hard.  Really really hard.  So much so that it can be hard to see past all that's in front of us personally. We both make sacrifices and we both have moments where we feel we are doing way more than our share. Sometimes we are full of appreciation for one another and other times we lash out in frustration, feeling overwhelmed.  Our kids are needy and tiring and wonderful.
       Twice a year or so I get away for a well deserved weekend and come home to a husband who is ready for me to be home and to go back to work himself.  For a few days he's always extra helpful and  a little in awe of how I do it all (though my quality of work is sometimes less than he would love - that's the sacrifice I have to make to get it all done.) We both struggle to do the other's jobs, and we both need one another.  He is an amazing contractor and provider, and being a mom is what I was born to do.  Sometimes we need a reminder of how hard the other works.  I know I do.  Seth is an incredibly talented, hardworking, loving man that I'm honored to be married to.   I don't know if it's possible to have a healthy marriage if you only focus on all that you do and ignore the other half.  Comparing our work is like comparing a cotton picker (back when it was done by hand) with a rocket scientist.  They both work tirelessly and come home exhausted, but in two totally different incomparable ways.  You could never really say who works harder, because they both give it their all.  In the end it's not about who works hardest, but more about being able to appreciate one another and support one another - making sure we each get our needs met.
       Right now we are in a crunch spot, trying to fix the foundation of what we hope to be our house, soon enough to get a loan on it before it's too late.  This is a stressful, expensive process and Seth is giving up his big hunting trip for it.  Something he's looked forward to all year (two years really, since he didn't get to go last year either.)  This was to be his first year bow hunting and we're not sure if he'll  get to at all, though I hope he will get to go on his late hunt.  Hunting, being in the woods, long drives, this is how he gets recharged and he's trading it to do what he hates the most - work under a house digging out dirt and replacing beams all so we can get this amazing place to raise our family.
       I guess when all is said and done we make a great team, and I hope I never forget that.  Never forget I'm not alone, and that I'm not the only one fighting for this team.  Thanks my love.  I appreciate you.

Finding the beauty in not having it all together

       I often get asked the question "How are you doing?" or "How's life with four kids?"  When I'm completely honest I usually have no idea how to answer these questions.  Sometimes this makes people look concerned or uncomfortable.  When I blabber on trying to explain how complicated that answer is, it rarely helps.  The truth is that some days I am thriving, while others I am struggling to stay sane. Balancing children and errands, melt downs and to do lists until I feel like everything is going to go crashing down around me.  Indeed sometimes it feels as though it has crashed down, crashed in a pile of curdled milk, spilled paint and tears and I am left in the ruins trying to make sense of it all.    Other times I feel strong, confident and ready to face what ever the world throws at me.  Running errands all afternoon while multiple kids are melting down? I can handle it.  Sticky peanut butter on the carpet? No problem.  Going to the beach with a friend and a combined 8 kids?  Piece of cake.  Other days it's like, "Get into the car with all my children? I can't do it!!!"   Usually I am feeling a mix of these things, or even both separately, all in the same day.       The difference here often comes from other factors, for example,  have I received encouragement or a helping hand from someone, be it family, friend or stranger that day?  Am I feeling appreciated and loved? Have I had coffee? Is the sun out?  Am I feeling emotionally stable?  Did I get enough sleep last night? Do I have a spirit of gratitude?  Did I receive a quick text from my husband just to say he loves me?   Have I had quiet time lately?   All these things and so much more affect how I respond to everyday situations.
   This season is by far the most challenging time of life I have faced yet, no other has required so much from me 24/7 without any breaks.  Even when I get a break I am still thinking about my children.  When I think about all the repercussions,  both good and bad, that can come from these early years, and how my children will forever be effected by them as they shape their very lives, I feel overwhelmed with this great responsibility. At the same time however,  this also happens to be my favorite season of life so far. What an opportunity to pour into their lives!  This might go without saying, but before having children I  had never loved anyone like I love them.  I couldn't even fathom it.   Although I love my husband more than anyone else, the way I love my children is different.    It's like my very heart split into five pieces.  I could not love them any more if I tried, they are part of me.  Picturing life without them is dismal.  I rejoice with their triumphs, grieve with their sorrows and laugh at their quirks.  They have filled me with more of an understanding of our heavenly Father's love for us than I could have ever experienced without them.  Being a parent has caused me to live constantly at the edge of my comfort zone, being pushed further and further not by my own accord, but simply by the requirements of being a mother.  Every new stage is something I've never experienced before,  as with every new child each stage appears differently than it did with the last.  So just when I think I have it figured out, it all changes.  I love this. And I hate it. It keeps me on my toes.
   Everyday I have a thousand chances to show grace, mercy, patience, love, anger, frustration, resentment, kindness, jealousy,  compassion, forgiveness, and humility.  Everyday I choose a whole mixture of these.  I also watch my children do the same.  Everyday I have a thousand opportunities to model for my children the kind of people I hope they become, and sometimes I do well and sometimes I don't.  Thankfully how my children turn out isn't all on me.  There is an amazing amount of grace in our lives that washes over both my children, my husband and myself and covers a multitude of mistakes.  Part of me doesn't like to admit all this, because if you didn't already know I don't have it all together, you surely do now.  But here in lies the secret to my success.  If I had it all together I wouldn't need others to help me.  I wouldn't need grace and I wouldn't need encouragement and support. I wouldn't need Jesus to sacrifice himself on my behalf, but I do, and he did.  These very things that I need to stay sane are the very things that keep me connected to others.  They are the experiences that help  build my relationships and make me who I am.   My need for others reminds me of the need they have for me.  If I had it all together I'm sure I would not remember what an encouragement a simple note can be, or an offer to cut in line at the grocery store.  The struggles I go through make me stronger, and they help me to make others stronger as well.  My failures as well as my successes teach my children to never give up, always hope and to always persevere. When I fail they see me pick myself up, ask for forgiveness and move forward.  All of these things together, the days where I soar and nothing can knock me down as well as the days when I simply sit and lick my wounds work together to cause me to thrive.  James 1:2-4 says "Consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish it's work so that you may become mature and complete, not lacking anything."  If life was easy and I never had struggles, I would miss out on so much blessing.  The ability to learn from my mistakes and be willing to try again, to be willing to love others even when they don't love me back are just a few of the invaluable skills I hope my children pick up from me.  Without these challenges I would not appreciate the good times so much and the things that now make my day would mean little. The simple messages of encouragement from long time friends who likewise are in the "trenches" of mothering littles, the ones that make me well up with tears of love and  gratefulness as they stand beside me and truly get what I'm going through, reminding me I'm not alone, would be non-existent.  We need one another, we are made to need one another, and by needing one another our lives are made so much the richer.  It's a beautiful thing to see Love shown this way and to show it in return. 
   There is something completely wonderful about not having it all together, it makes all of the small blessings so much bigger.  Little kindnesses are magnified and a normally insignificant act of compassion can make my day.  Sometimes even stepping outside myself enough to see others needs and meet them in one way or other, showing them just a little bit of the love of Jesus,  can end up making my day as well.  May I never stop looking for those needs to meet and loving those in my path.