It's all in the Journey

I have heard it said a time or a thousand "It's the journey that matters, not the destination."  Never, however, has that felt more true than this past week. 
     A couple of weeks ago Seth and I set out on an epic road trip with our three little ones headed to Iowa for the wedding of a dear friend.  I admit that I was a little apprehensive of taking this         4,500  mile plus trip.  Don't worry though, with Pinterest at hand I outdid myself with preparation.  I had the notebooks made up with little activities, I had the Ipad pre-loaded with movies, I checked out every age appropriate audio book from the library and even planned to drive at night so the kids could sleep at night.  I was ready.  And then we left.  At 10:20 pm on Tuesday we pulled out and almost immediately the kids were asleep.  It was working.  Then a rest stop came at 2 am and our children were all awake for the next two hours, and I'm telling you, they were not happy about it. Neither were we.  The seats were too straight, no one was comfortable no matter how many pillows they had and our journey had just begun.  We made our first stopping point around noon the next day and moved into the little cabin I had rented, giving Seth some time to nap while I took the first shift.  When it was my turn to nap however my two younger ones decided to join me.  It wasn't that bad, but I never rest as well with little ones all around.  Eight thirty came around (sooner than I had expected with the time zone change) and we were off.  Wearier than before, but still doing okay.   Our children stayed awake until 11:00 Pm and then woke again for a nightly crying time.  At 5:00 am we crashed in a hotel in Rawlins, Wyoming and had a much needed, though way to short rest, and by 11 am we were off again.  This time we continued on for about 20 hours before reaching our destination. Those hours were filled with tired, sometimes grumpy but determined parents and moody children.  Various struggles arose, such as a puking toddler and vomit covered everything on the side of the freeway - but we made it.  As we pulled into a laundry mat in Muscatine, Iowa completely exhausted but trying to recover I felt as though I never wanted to do another road trip with small children ever again.
     We were all about our destination, and we made it, but we missed something.  So after an absolutely lovely wedding and two days restoring my faith in road trips we headed back.  Seth had this great idea that we would take our time on the way back. I was wary.  I was not sure I wanted to make this last any longer than it had to, but I went along with it.  We arrived near Denver at my Aunt's house (as planned) late on the 3rd of July and spent the entire 4th of July hanging out with my Aunt, my cousins and my cousin's daughter, it was truly wonderful.  We slept late the next day and pulled out sadly at noon, sad to go so soon.  This time however we were only driving 6 hours or so, headed North toward Yellow Stone.  We took two days getting there and were in no hurry.  We enjoyed the scenery, and so did the kids. We (Seth and I) pulled out our headphones more and I put down my book and we talked. We laughed, we shared great moments together as a family, and we relaxed.   We were able to visit Yellowstone National park, which I had never seen and though we had to camp in pouring rain the night before we visited the clouds parted and we had amazing weather all day.  Byson and Elk guided us through the outstanding Park and as we joined the many tourists to view things such as Tower Falls and of course Old Faithful I found joy and peace as I was able to simply be present.  Even as we pressed on towards home the next day, taking one more long day on our journey the change in attitudes continued and showed me what it really meant to view life as a journey rather than a series of destinations.  I only hope that the next time I am faced with some such occasion I will remember to slow down, breathe, and soak it all in.  No matter what stage of life we are in, this is the only time we will be here.  Enjoy it.

The art of thoughtfulness; more than just giving flowers

       Something I have been thinking about a lot lately is what it means to be a thoughtful person.  At first glance this doesn't seem like a very tricky question.  It's easy to do something thoughtful, write a note for someone, buy flowers, do the dishes for someone, etc.  We all know this, so what's the big deal?  Well, I think that thoughtfulness goes way beyond that. It is quite easy to be thoughtful without it being received as thoughtfulness.  This happens when the giver thinks of something they would like to have/do and not of what the receiver would want. I am sure at one point or other each of us has fallen victim to someone's attempts at thoughtfulness - the gift of a giant box of chocolate chip cookies when you've just announced you've given up sugar, the bejeweled sweater you will never wear, or a bouquet of flowers you are allergic to.  Sometimes when we get a gift we don't really want we are able to appreciate the thought behind it anyway. I personally (usually) feel so blessed when someone thinks of me and sends me a card or gift (especially out of the blue) that I would appreciate almost anything, just because I know they were thinking of me - though of course it's always way better when it's something you actually like/want/need.   Some people however, my husband included, just don't really appreciate gifts they don't like.  Nothing personal, he just doesn't.   Either way, if your intention is to bless this person (which, for the sake of this blog I am just going to assume that it is to bless them and not even address any ulterior motives) and you found out they didn't like/appreciate the gift you would most likely feel hurt or disappointed, and at the very least, as though you had wasted time/money and/or energy.  Many people have such a fear of this that they dread Birthdays/Christmas's/Valentine's Day, Anniversaries or any other "mandatory" gift giving event that gives them yet another opportunity to fail at showing love to one or more people.    Not to mention even thinking of giving/doing something for someone just because.
   I am not one of these people.  I love giving gifts/notes or doing something helpful for someone especially when it is just because.  When you give a gift/note with no strings attached for no other reason than you wanted to bless or encourage them, it really does show that you care.
       Doing little encouraging things has always come naturally to me.  I get it from my mom (who truly is the best and this) and I already see it in my daughter Mikaiah.  Doing something kind or encouraging for someone blesses me almost as much as it blesses them.  It's always made me feel good when people told me that I was thoughtful or kind, or a "really good friend."  These comments just made me glow - they still do, really.  They fill me with affirmation, reminding me that I am wanted, needed and loved and that what I do makes a difference.  Not everyone, however, feels this way.  For many people doing more than the minimum is way too much.  And that is totally okay, we are all different.  I will say though, that when I get a card or small gift from someone whom I know this does not come easily I feel extra encouraged and loved.
       I never had to think very hard about what might encourage someone, as I said, it came rather naturally, at least until I got married.  Then I got completely thrown through a loop.  Somehow I managed to marry the one person who didn't seem to appreciate these small efforts, it was so discouraging!  Seth and I got married almost seven years ago.  We had known each other since our early teens and been friends for several years prior, even though we only dated eight months before getting married.  In the beginning I tried extra hard to do things Seth appreciated, but they all seemed to backfire.  I would make a nice meal after I got off work, he would run in, eat on the counter and head downstairs to work on his truck or some other project, leaving the two table settings untouched and my feelings hurt.  When I saved up money to get him an Ipod for his birthday (back when they were a hot ticket item and the Iphone was brand new) he found out about it ahead of time, and upon opening it looked at it without saying anything for a long moment and then replied "I think I've decided not to return it." Never mind that he ended up using it all the time and was never without it, he was not immediately impressed with my sacrifice and thoughtfulness (at the time he didn't have any other music player or computer) and I was crushed.  I would write him notes and put his favorite snacks in his lunch and he was nonplussed.  (Though I do think he appreciated them somewhat, just not as much as I would have thought.) If he had a hard day and I asked him about it he acted super annoyed.  If I tried to help him with a project and didn't do it up to his standards, he'd get frustrated or annoyed.  I was stumped.   When I would ask him what he would like for his Birthday he would say things like "pipe clamps, a hitch for his truck, or a 50 ft. *snore*  chain."  These items were so boring to me I couldn't bring myself to buy them, so I continued to guess at things he'd like or appreciate and I continued to (often, though not always) miss the mark.  I was frustrated because of all the energy I was exerting to bless him and because it not only didn't seem to pay off, but if anything, make things worse.  On the other hand if I was having a hard day and needed an encouraging word it never seemed there.  If I was tired and the house was a mess and he would come up and give me a long hug while I was in the middle of sweeping the floor, it would down right irritate me.  It was like he was trying to sabotage me!  My birthday would come and go, and while I would have appreciated a heart felt anything, he seemed to always either do nothing/very little, do something late (take me to a movie of his choice the day after my birthday, or do something forced (take me out to dinner because our roommate told him he had to.)  While I could appreciate some of this, mostly I was left feeling unloved or unappreciated - even though I knew both to be untrue.  All I wanted was to feel loved and appreciated by the person I loved the most, and because he didn't know how to express it in ways I received, I was often disappointed.
    The second year we were married Mikaiah was born, and as Seth's first Father's day approached I decided to try something different...I got him something he wanted.  Imagine his surprise!I bought him a 50 ft 3/4 in. chain - even though to this day I practically fall asleep just thinking of that boring gift.  I bought it because he wanted it.  He asked for it.  I bought it because I didn't know what else to do, and you know what?  He loved it.  I mean he really loved it.  I had finally succeeded in doing something completely with him in mind, not something I thought was cool or that I thought he would want.  And the next Valentine's day you know what he did?  He carved me some of the coolest leaf earrings you've ever seen.  Slowly we were starting to get the hang of it.  It turns out that because of his own pickiness Seth was so afraid of giving the wrong gift he'd rather not give a gift at all, he didn't want to disappoint me, when all I needed was something, anything, to remind me how much I was loved, and by not trying he ended up with the result which had kept him from trying in the first place.
     These changes don't come easily, and there are things you can do from both sides to help each other out.  Show grace.  I have recognized that when Seth does something for me, even if it's going to a movie I don't really want to see, eating popcorn I don't really want and spending money I don't even want to think about, but he really is doing it for me, I need to be quiet, say thank you and remember that he's making an effort - something that doesn't come natural to him if he's not positive he'll hit the mark, and know that if I start complaining about things like this he will shut down and stop trying completely.  When I do this, I am (pretty much always) able to truly appreciate the gift he's given me.
     I have made a big attempt over the past few years to really listen to him and what he wants, even when it sounds boring to me, and get him the things he appreciates. (We both also have a cheat sheet now, which would be Amazon wishlists - they may not be a huge surprise, but at least it's something they want.  Something else we have done is to take the Five love languages test (which can be found here: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/file/)  Although Seth and I had both heard of these for years and could guess what they were it really did help us to do this test together (one at a time, watching each others responses.)  It turns out that though I have always considered myself an affectionate person I actually got a 0 in physical touch, while Seth got an 11.  I scored highest in quality time, gift giving and acts of service.  Knowing these things about one another has really helped us to  become "bilingual" in each others love languages, meaning that not only are we learning to show love in a way that the other person receives it, but we are also learning to see and appreciate it when they are showing us love in their love language.  This has totally transformed the way I see things.  I am now able to recognize that when Seth was giving me a long hug while I was in the middle of sweeping he was not trying to "sabotage my productivity," as I really had begun to think he was, but was showing me how much he appreciated my efforts.  I still have to remind myself of this from time to time, but oh what a difference it has made!  Also, Seth has really started to reach out and help in ways I need him to and not just in the ways that come natural to him.
     We all want the people close to us to know how to love, comfort, and bless us, but it is not always natural.  This is a long, ongoing process, especially since we go through different seasons and sometimes the things we need change.  I think the most helpful things that Seth and I have done (apart from discovering our love languages) is to discuss what is helpful, and encouraging to each of us.  Having lunch foods in the fridge without him having to ask, and coffee and half and half on hand are two things that he really appreciates.  Sending texts throughout the day has been helpful as well.  Giving one another feedback, while showing gratitude for the effort put out is huge.
     Whether it is your spouse, your children, or a friend thinking specifically of what would be helpful and appreciated by them instead of just doing what you would think is nice is really the key here.        Also, I have to say that whenever I hear someone say how they don't do anything for Valentine's day or some such expected holiday because "it's a commercial holiday and I shouldn't have to do something  and I can do something anytime to bless them" I roll my eyes.  This is the biggest cop out I have ever heard.  This only works if you really do something for them on a semi-regular basis (say once or twice a month) and if they really, truly wouldn't be at all disappointed if you did nothing.  I can't actually think of anyone who would rather you do nothing for a "obligatory" holiday than to do something, though I can think of a few people who would rather not have much, if any, money spent on one.  This is not a problem, since  many of the nicest gifts are free, such as a thoughtful letter, digging up the garden plot, or making dinner, but it is worth noting that (almost) all gifts worth giving cost something, whether in thought, money and/or energy.  If it costs you nothing to give,  it tends not to mean that much to the receiver.
 "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:32

PerSpectivE

      On New Years Eve Seth and I had just packed up the car after spending a few lovely days in Central Oregon, staying in a yurt at Tumalo State park, and were heading over to the coast for a New Years Eve party with some friends...until our Yukon broke down before we even left the campground.  Oh brother.  It was freezing cold, we had to wait almost an hour for the tow truck to come and tow us to our friend's house in Bend.  Seth got a part to fix it, but it didn't work so we borrowed a car and headed home (being way to late to go to the coast.)  I woke up in the morning with a crazy head cold and severe headache, and Seth had to go back to Bend to get our car.  What a way to start the year!  My mom came down for the day to help out and I was hoping to be better the next day so I could attend a family gathering, but to no avail.  Seth took the kids and I stayed home in bed.  The next day we got the diagnosis for my car and it wasn't good, the engine was toast.  By this time I was feeling physically and emotionally spent, but the Lord had already begun to change the way I saw the situation.  Instead of seeing it from a negative perspective, I had begun to look at it in a new light:
    Seth and I were in Bend with a Yukon that had 209,000 miles on it when it broke down.  Two minutes later and we would have been on the highway headed over two different mountain passes with very little cell service and very icy roads.  Not where you want to be with a car loaded with kiddos and dropping temps.  Also, our road side assistance only covered towing up to a certain distance and we probably would have had to pay more to get it towed.  Instead we got to go back to our friends cozy warm house (the tow truck just happened to be big enough to fit all five of us) and borrow our friends Tahoe (big enough for our whole family) so we could get home.  Then my mom happened to be available (and willing) to help watch the kids when I got sick.  The next day when I was still sick and had to miss the family gathering I had the most relaxing, enjoyable time resting in my quiet cozy house.  It was wonderful, even though I was sick.  Also, my in-laws had been lending Seth their Suburban before he got his truck, but we were going to return it a few days earlier since he'd gotten his truck already, but we never got around to it.  My in-laws were generous enough to let us continue to use it until my vehicle could get fixed.   One week later my Yukon had an engine with only 115,000 miles on it and was ready to go.  Throughout this whole experience I have been continually reminded of God's faithfulness in our lives.  Perspective.  Our point of view, and how changing it can change everything.  That is what this has taught me, and to make sure I was paying attention, one day before I got my Yukon back Seth's Truck (a 2008 Dodge Ram which he had for less than two weeks) had the transfer case literally fall OUT while driving along, ruining the tranny in the process.  I have to admit, this knocked the wind out of me.  What is going ON?!? I wondered.  This repair was not going to be cheap (yes, mine was quite cheap in comparison) this one was closer to $6500.  Ouch. But once again God showed his faithfulness and we were able to borrow the money to get it fixed.  We owed too much on it not to.  This time I was looking for all the ways he was providing for us, and I began to see them right away.  My car got fixed the next day and we still had my in-laws suburban.  More than that though, this has made Seth and I question where we are putting our time, money, and energy.  It has made us really stop and ask "Okay Lord, what are you saying to us and how do we need to respond?"  It has prompted Seth and I to both make some habit changes (getting up earlier, working out together everyday, and stop eating refined sugar for a year.)  I feel like Seth and I have connected in a way we haven't in a long time.  We are starting to pray together more and trying to spend more focused time with each of our kids.  I admit I do hope our string of expensive surprises is over for a while, but when things come up (and they will) I will try to look at all the ways (big and little) that God is working in my life.   I feel very blessed.  If you feel overwhelmed and stressed out I would challenge you to ask the Lord to change your perspective and see all the ways he is providing for you.  Look and see what the Lord has done!

To know and to be known

     Some people love getting to know new people while others are terrified at the thought.  And then there are people like me.  I enjoy getting to know new people, but have a sometimes crippling fear of rejection.  What if they see how weird and quirky and lame I am and scoff at me?  What if I say something dumb.  What if I don't know what to say at all.  Why would they want to be my friend when they're so pretty and kind and put together, and I'm...just imperfect little me. When I'm surrounded by people I already know love and accept me it's easier for me to meet new people and to open up.  However, when I am the new one in a group I can come across as very quiet and reserved.  Anyone who knows me will laugh at that, but it's true.  I have a fear of not being loved and accepted for who I am.  I think I am not alone.  
      When I was a single young adult, thinking about the idea of finding a future spouse, I remember having a deep desire, almost above all else to be known deep down, inside and out, all  my good things and bad things and all the quirky things that make me me and to be accepted and loved unconditionally anyway and to know him in return.  There was a deep fear within me that I would never find this, for as many great friends as I had had before I had never had to be as transparent and vulnerable as is necessary for a healthy, loving  marriage.  I had even run from relationships in the past for fear that if they really knew who I was I would not be loved and accepted but would end up hurt and rejected.  I both feared being known and longed for it. So I did the only thing I knew to do and rejected them first.
     Then I met Seth. Again. For the three hundredth time. (The first 299 times I wasn't interested in him, but then slowly came around.)  We got married and immediately understood one another completely. Not.  No matter how hard  you fall for someone or how quickly (though as mentioned before I did not fall in love with Seth instantly, but in a much more gradual and beautifully slow process.)  And that's what it is, a process.  To know someone inside and out is not a static thing.  It is constant.  It is an ever growing, ever changing thing to know someone as they are and as they change.  It is a beautiful, intentional and unintentional thing. I love that. The moment I stop opening up to Seth is the moment he will begin to lose who I am.  I need to both let him know me, and seek to know him as well, and for him to do the same.  This is how we grow together.
 
        I believe that we inherently have a need to know others and to be known.  I once told that to a friend of mine, but she disagreed with me.  She told me that she had worked extremely hard in the past to keep others from knowing her, that she did not want to be known.  This is often true.  We get hurt so much that we decide it would be better not to be known than to be rejected and hurt. I don't think this changes the fact that we are made to know others and to be known however, but it brings up the complication that comes from living in a fallen world.  In order to be known we must chose to be vulnerable.  I  think that deep down we do all have a need to know and to be known, but that fear of being let down, hurt and used causes us to mask this and build our defenses.  We think we would rather be alone and be protected than be known and be vulnerable.  But what if we knew that we would be loved, accepted and cared for?    The only one that we can really trust in this way is Christ.  The one who has known us from the beginning. "For you formed my inward parts, you knitted me together in my mother's womb. Psalm 139:13"  And again in 1 Corinthinas 13:12 "For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known."   
   
        I believe we are known (loved, and forgiven) by God, whether we want to or not, and that we are made to know him and to make him known to others.  I believe this is, quite possibly, our primary objective.  I think that sometimes as believers we jump into "sharing the gospel" before we have really begun to "know him."  And that is a fatal mistake.  For when we begin to understand his nature, which is pure unadulterated love, we cannot then honestly adhere all the hatred and judgement, and misunderstanding which we tend to have towards unbelievers, to his name.  For this is not of him.  He somehow loves us unconditionally, despite all that we are, all that we believe or don't believe, and all that we have done, right where we're at.    And yet he does all of this while not compromising even an iota.  He simply draws us to his side and calls us to repentance. To turn from our old ways.  He knew we would not understand this and sent his son as an example of how we should live, and yet this is still incomprehensible to us.   And because we cannot comprehend it we insert our own ideas, feelings, and judgements, in his name onto all those who do not yet know him, often causing them to have no desire to know this God,  and definitely not desiring to be known by him.
         These two ideas (wanting to know others and be known; and knowing the Father and being known by him) may seem rather separate ideas, but I believe they're intricately connected.  I believe that God uses our  relationships on earth as a tangible example of his love for us.  We show his love to others when we make him known, and we make him known by knowing, loving and accepting those he has put in our lives.
         So where does that leave us?  At the beginning I suppose, where we let down our guard little by little, trusting the Lord to have his way in our lives and allow ourselves to be known by others and in return to begin to know them as well.  To love others outside of our comfort zones and open up the places we have left so well guarded.
     I once had a great friend who was truly gifted at getting to know others, no matter their age or background and this is how she did it; she listened.  She asked good questions and she listened to them, she really heard what they had to say.  People want to be heard.  They want to be known.  I do to.  They might just not know it yet.

The grace of God in my life - received daily

"Today I feel inadequate.  I feel tired, sad and overwhelmed.  Today I don't want to be mom.  I don't want to clean my house, put stuff away, set up the tent (which is wet from camping) or settle arguments.   I definitely don't want to get out the paint spinner Mikaiah is begging me to play with.
      I don't want to explain why I did something totally stupid (set up the tent in the wrong order - which as stated before I didn't want to do in the first place - and broke a pole.)  
      I don't want to cook dinner, think about cooking dinner, (not to mention lunch) and I don't want to talk to anyone under the age of 20.  Today I want to be selfish and disappear and not do anything.  But I won't .  I will pick myself up and take care of my children and my house."
     This is a journal entry I wrote this past monday at 10 am.  I had woken up early to have quiet time, and my children woke up ten minutes later.  I had not put away camping stuff or cleaned up from the day before (unusual for me, but I was too tired) and thus had a large mess and even bigger list of "to do's" than normal.  At this point in the day I was completely discouraged.  Then, as I was writing that last sentence a friend knocked on the door.  She had come to ask if I could babysit her daughter, but upon seeing me changed her mind and prayed for me instead.  Later a good friend came by with her girls (who entertained mine) and encouraged me as well. This is the grace of God in my life. Not that I am superhuman, or that I always have everything under control, but that he gives me the grace to do what I need to do and then blesses me abundantly on top of it - if I have the eyes to see it.
       My day was not perfect from then on out, my children still argued and I spilled an entire box of baking soda on the kitchen floor, but I was strengthened from within and that was just what I needed that day.  So glad to know I am never, ever alone.  
       Please note that I do not like sharing my flaws with everyone, I would rather pretend I have it all together, but that's not reality and I think we all need to know at times that we are not alone.  We are all flawed and that's okay, because we have a perfect savior.  

Rising above mediocrity

    All my life I have been an average girl.  Average, or just above average in pretty much everything I did.  Now before you think I'm cocky let me tell you there are a lot of things that I am way below average at, but have never really pursued, even if I've done them from time to time.  For example, pretty much anything musical would go in that category, though I do love music and appreciate it from afar.  I was an average student, athlete, and game player.  I played a lot of sports but wasn't great at any of them.  I actually swam for 8 years, but always leveled at the top of the JV and bottom of the Varsity.   I have never been super popular, but always had good friends I could rely on.  I like games, but don't always win, nor do I feel I have to.  I have never been a prefectionist, and I don't really want to be one, though the ability to do quality work when I choose to is something I am working on.  I like being okay with "a good effort," that is usually enough for me. I have never considered myself competitive, but the truth is that I would rather be okay with losing than put in the effort needed to win.  I have never been described as thin or super fit, but most of my growing up years I was pretty strong and for a while had pretty sweet biceps (thank you swim team for that)  and I was okay with that.
      There is absolutely nothing wrong with being average or mediocre at some things, however, I have found that I have become so "okay" with not ever doing anything really well that I have lost all drive to do better.  I will push hard to reach a goal, to get to that above average spot, and then I would coast.  I remember realizing that I could swim my entire two hour practice without ever getting really winded or pushing myself.  I could have kept on swimming for another two hours, I was just coasting along.  While this takes a lot of work to achieve, it should not however have been my goal.  When you stop pushing yourself, you stop improving, and when you stop improving, inevitably you begin to slip.     
      Lately I have been feeling the building affects of years of "slipping" coming down on me, in several areas of my life.   When I lived in Bend, Oregon I was single, I lived with active roommates, in an extremely active community.  Going cross country skiing, hiking or rock climbing were second nature.  I loved it.  I kept myself busy, but not too busy.  I worked as a nanny, I hung out with my friends, I had quiet evenings to journal and spend time with the Lord, and I was aware of the food I put into my body.   In short, I was living a pretty healthy life.
       Fast forward six years, one husband, three children and lots of legitimate excuses and I struggle just to go for regular walks with my kids.  It's a lot of work to wrangle three kiddos in between nap times, meal times, and errands.  I go through phases where I do really great, I go to the gym, I ride bikes, I rid myself of eating evil sugar and carbs, and I feel great.  Usually however, I get burnt out.  After a month or two (and possibly another pregnancy or child later)  I shut down completely.  I'm just going to "take a short break" I say.  I run on high and short circuit, often leaving myself feeling the same or worse than before.  Every time I try again I struggle to push all of those past failures out of my head.  Every. Single. Time.  Man that's hard.  Failure seems to be my worst enemy and my biggest fear.  If you're not going to succeed, why try? Right?  It takes a lot of effort to try.
     This is where I find myself these days, struggling with the will to go past being borderline unhealthy and inactive (physically and spiritually. ) Struggling to push myself to risk failing...again.  I wish that I could isolate these areas in my life.  That I could be failing in one area, such as eating well, but would be super active and could make up the lack.  Or at least that I could be focusing on what the Lord is showing me in my life and spending time listening to him, even if I wasn't very active.  Somehow though, all these disciplines seem linked together for me.  When I spend time with the Lord, I am more motivated to exercise, and when I exercise I am more motivated to eat well, and when I do all these things, I am a kinder, more understanding mother, wife, and friend. The reverse is also true.  So why do I spend so much time on the downward spiral?  In a world that thrives on instant gratification being disciplined and pushing oneself, while admired, are not things we tend to strive towards.  Too much work.  We are always looking for short cuts.  The problem with using too many short cuts is that eventually you forget how not to use them, and when you try to do something the hard way you often find that you don't know how.
    So where does that leave me?  I have trained myself to "just get by" and now that I know I need to change I barely know where to start.  Ahhhh! But we are not alone!  Today I was reading in Ephesians 3:14-21 and it says " For this reason I bow my knees before the Father,  from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named,  that according to the riches of his glory He may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth,  and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen."

      I do not need to give up!  I do not need to fail.  If he who created this earth has strengthened me in my inner being than I need to embrace the call of God on my life, to be healthy spiritually and physically so that I can love and serve others to the best of my ability.   If I give all that I am to my children and to the people around me, but have nothing left to push myself to be where I need to be than my balance is off and something needs to change.  Right now the first thing I'm changing is the focus I have put on the lie that I will never succeed.  I cast that off and step one foot at a time, staring down my weaknesses and pushing myself past this mediocre place in which I have settled.  Today I went for a swim, and that was a start.  A small start, but a start.  So please, if you see me falter and start to settle, encourage me onward.  I don't need you to give me excuses why it's okay not to push myself (I have enough excuses on my own.) I know I can do more. I know that he who is in me is greater than my weaknesses.   I just need a gentle push and maybe someone to come beside me.

Love one another

     Every day I do a thousand things over and over and many of them  undo themselves faster than I can turn around.  As a mother of three almost nothing is easy, and there is no such thing as a "quick errand."  Unless of course I happen to be going by myself, which happens about as often as the solar eclipse.  While these trips with my children may not be quick, I have pretty much mastered the art of child wrangling while running whatever errands I may have to do.  With one child in the Ergo baby carrier, another often on my shoulders and the third held tightly by the hand I am quite the site to behold.
     To some I may look like a three ring circus (believe me, I do get those looks a lot) but to many women (and some men) I am just another mom in the same position they're in, or in a position they have been in in the past.   Hungry children, but groceries to buy.  Tired babies, and packages to send, etc.  Even with all these skills however, even the greatest of mothers loses it at times.  Sometimes it is just. too. much.   My needs are often pretty obvious to those around me, screaming children or arm loads of groceries and a child yelling they have to go to the bathroom are hard to miss.   I often find compassionate people willing to help me, especially those who have been there before.  They offer to load groceries, take my cart back for me, let me go ahead in line, or even just offer a sympathetic gaze as my child loses it.  (Hypothetically speaking of course, since my children are of course angels.)  Whether or not I accept these acts of kindness (I usually do) they are greatly appreciated.   Knowing someone is standing in the gap, caring and reaching out, especially when they don't even know me, is huge.  It encourages me and gives me strength when I need it most. 
       A while back while watching another parent struggle with their load of children/groceries/etc. I remember thinking "I have my arms too full to help now, but I hope that when I am out of this stage of life I will look for these situations and offer a helping hand."   I see these situations often, and am aware of them more than many people because I can so easily relate.   But here's the thing, this is not the first time I have struggled.  (Shocker!) When I was a single person living in Switzerland I struggled to make friends, to learn the language, and to be known by the people around me.  I told myself, when I get home I will look for people in those situations and will reach out to them.  When I returned to the states and moved into an apartment with a friend while working as a nanny I had lots of friends around me, but I struggled to pay the bills or to have extra money to go get coffee with friends.  I also struggled with loneliness at times and lack of vision for my life, but I tried to help out others in my own situation.  I would get up early to meet with a friend going through a hard time or buy a special "just because" gift to someone feeling low.
   Before all of this I struggled in high school as well. I struggled to keep up with my homework, social life, and work.  I was so busy that sometimes I longed for someone to just come and force me to slowdown and enjoy an afternoon laying in a hammock or maybe go for a drive to the beach.

    I could go on, as could we all, with the different times in our lives and the different struggles that accompanied each.  I can't even remember most of these struggles and as such it would be hard for me to recognize them in others.  As an 18 year old with a job I was often very willing to help out my younger, jobless friends and drive them around town or pay for them to go to a movie with me.  I did this because I empathized with them.  I could remember what that felt like.  Now I look at people in those same situations and think, "Well maybe you should get a job then so you can have a car and drive yourself!" or whatever the case may be.   I don't want to keep forgetting the struggles I have gone through and only helping those who are in a similar situations as myself, I want to see people for who they are and for what they need, not what I think they need.  This is how we love one another.   I don't want to keep waiting until it is convenient for me to help others or it will never happen.  I want to give sacrificially, love deeply and share generously.  I want to be able to look at the person in front of me and see them as God sees them, not how facebook sees them.   I want to walk day by day with compassion and understanding, serving more than I am being served.  In doing so I believe I will not only be fulfilling the Lord's commandment  "You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and all your mind.' And, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. Luke 10:27" but I will also be touching the lives of those around me, and in turn my own.  Sometimes the things we struggle with aren't obvious, people don't like to talk about their weaknesses, neither do I.  They make us vulnerable and that can be uncomfortable, but by opening ourselves up and being vulnerable, letting others help us as well as helping others there is healing and there is life.  It is a good thing to have those you can trust in your life, and being someone people can trust is a good place to start.

Extraordinary changes in ordinary life

It is 5:00 am and I am awake.  This is due in large part to the 38 week old child with a case of the hiccups that I happen to be carrying at this particular time, but is aided by the general discomfort that this condition gives me.  I would rather be asleep right now, but instead of fighting it I decided to take advantage of it and do a little writing.
       The past few months have been a bit of a haze, filled with getting ready to move, house sitting, moving, settling in, birthdays, and the day to day raising of two little girls all covered over with the impending birth of this child and all that this brings.  It's a crazy, busy, exciting, exhausting time (which, for the past few years, seems to just repeat itself and never really end) but I am trying to enjoy it.
        I have an incredible support system of friends and family around me and am ever reminded of the amazing community the Lord has placed me in.  These past few weeks as the waiting game has really begun and my discomfort has become ever more apparent I have felt it even more.  I am in the midst of some amazing people and I know it.
         As I face life day by day I often feel like I'm simply treading water.  Not in the I'm going to drown kind of sense, but more in the I'm not really going anywhere or doing anything of significance on a day to day basis.  For example, yesterday was taken up almost entirely by washing, drying, folding, sorting and putting away laundry.  The. entire. day.  Until 11 pm.  No kidding.  Interspersed with meal prep, clean up, the care of the my children and husband, random errands and a lovely visit from a friend of mine and her three little boys.  This is not uncommon.  The thing is, other than a cranky 21 month old who didn't sleep during her afternoon nap, it wasn't a bad day.  It was just an ordinary day where I focused on me, my family and my home the whole day.  The problem I am finding however is that being so inner focused (something our society actually encourages many times, putting yourself and your family above all others) is not something that is very fulfilling to me.  It causes me to feel like my time is wasted and, if it's a bad day and things didn't go well, that I am failing in most of my life (since this IS my life right now.)  Now whether you're a stay at home mom, a working parent, a student,  or have no family but just work (or whatever stage of life you're in) I think it's common to feel this way.  That we just keep going through the same motions and end up feeling a little futile.
        As Christians, I believe that we are called to live for more than just ourselves.  I believe that we are called to serve others and to daily love those around us selflessly.  Easier said than done.  But we have one great example of this, Jesus.  Sometimes when I look at the life of Jesus and think about following him I only see the last three years of his life (because that's mostly what the bible covers) and how every day all day he was traveling around on a 24/7 ministry, which looks very different from my life.  However, I must remember that for the first 30 years he was an (almost, but not quite) normal person living life in the daily grind, just like you and I.  He was a carpenter, and yet because of his steadfastness  and unchanging character I have a feeling that he was all of the serving, loving, compassionate person who lived beyond himself and focused on others even before his ministry officially began.  This is what I need to remember.  I am not waiting for my life to begin to start focusing more on the people around me than I do on myself.
        The question remains however, how do I do this?  As I have been pondering this lately the answer (as pointed out by a good friend of mine) is actually quite simple.  You start with where you are and look for the people in front of you, and then simply ask the Lord what he would have you to do. (I said it was simple, I didn't say it was easy.)   The past few weeks I have really tried to do this, and have been incredibly encouraged.  What does this look like for me?  Well, it looks much the same as my life did before.  Waking up, feeding my children.  Checking facebook and noticing a friend needs a babysitter for a few hours and volunteering to meet that need.  Cleaning my house and getting ready to run to the store, talking to a neighbor as I leave who happens to be sick and offering to pick up groceries.  At the store making eye contact with the cashier and sincerely asking about them (without being on the phone, completely distracted by my children, or too focused on the things I have to do that day to hear what they have to say in response, and to care.)  Now many of these things I have been doing for years, off and on that is.  I am a fairly thoughtful person (or try to be) and these things can come naturally to me, when I am in the mood.  The difference is that when things aren't going well or I feel overwhelmed they are usually the first to go, leaving me feeling even more self focused and overwhelmed by the everyday than normal.  (I am not someone struggling with depression, nor do I feel my life is pointless, so please don't take this the wrong way, I am simply a normal person who has a tendency to get overwhelmed by the everyday and feel as though I am always waiting for "life" to begin.)  The past few weeks have really been changing how I feel about this because of one big change.  Intentionality.  Instead of just letting this awareness of others happen when it feels convenient I have simply started looking for the person/situation in front of me and asking the Lord what I should do about it.  The most encouraging thing of this whole "experiment" for me has been that I don't have to take on more things in my already busy life, I simply have to look for the opportunities that are already there.  This is something every single one of us can do, no matter where we're at or what state of life we're in.  That is something I find very empowering and effective.  It is also something I continually benefit by as the people around me do the same.  So whether I'm folding laundry and receive a phone call from a friend in need of some advice or even just empathy, or whether I'm in the hospital holding my new son and am interacting with a nurse having a rough shift I will try to focus more on what the Lord has for me to do in that situation than what that situation has for me.

Overcoming that things that stifle us

      I never cease to be amazed at how much our physical circumstances affect us mentally and emotionally.  I simply can't seem to separate these areas from one another, no matter how hard I may try.
    For the past 3 1/2 years Seth and I have been living in a little 600 sq ft trailer near downtown Corvallis.  Although the idea of living in a trailer had never been a dream of mine, when we decided to move in with our then 3 month old daughter Mikaiah it seemed like a perfect, low budget fit.  And for a time it was.  We enjoyed getting to know our sometimes quirky neighbors, being a part of a community garden and having "river front property."  Those were good days.  Even from the beginning though space was a bit of an issue, not much storage or places to put things, but we made it work.  Fast forward two years and another child later and it was beginning to wear on us.  With a baby and a toddler running around I found myself slowly going crazy while the amount of baby stuff/toys/tools/other things we accumulated continued to grow until we knew we were going to have to leave.   Fortunately some good friends of ours who had just bought a fixer upper in Philomath were planning on leaving the cute 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom home (also in Philomath, just 3 miles from Corvallis) they had been living in, right next to some other friends of ours.  How perfect!  Unfortunately as remodels sometimes (often) do it ended up taking longer (much longer) than expected.  One move in date got changed to another and with the anticipation of moving already there the space we were occupying no longer felt just "small" it felt stifling.  The Lord is faithful though and he never gives us more than we can handle.  We were blessed with a big house to house sit in for a month over Christmas giving us a much needed break, and then just a few weeks after we had returned to our trailer were finally able to move into our new home.  Sitting here in our nice spacious living room I feel my entire body relax and I finally feel as though I can breathe again.  We are still getting things put away and organized, but we have enough done to be able to truly enjoy our new space.  We were also very blessed with lots of help from friends and family as we packed, cleaned, painted, moved, unpacked, and cleaned once again.   Not to mention all those that generously watched our girls while we were doing the aforementioned things.  It feels so nice to be settling in, but even more than that it's so encouraging to know how many people are surrounding us (and have been for a long time.)  I am so used to this wonderful little community we have that I often forget how many people do not have people surrounding them, and then I try to be even more grateful and aware than I already am.   Thank you friends! 
      As I have been pondering these things, it has made me think about all the many areas of our lives that have the same effect on us that that small trailer had on me.  Whether it's work that is all consuming, or needy relationships, or even being burdened by too many possesions or financial debt, that are so many different things that the enemy uses to overwhelm and restrict us so that their burden weighs down on us so much so that it runs into every area of our lives, bringing with it a suffocating fog and keeping us from living life fully.  Unfortunately, since it is often not as obvious as a house you have clearly outgrown, many times we don't even realize what it is doing to us until we are either already "waste deep" or until we have somehow found our way out.  We were not meant to live this way however, whether it's physically, mentally or emotionally and if we let him, the Lord will (and does) free us from the things we have gotten ourselves so overcome by, we just have to be willing to take that first step and recognize the problem and then continue to work at it until it is resolved, no matter how long it may take.  We also have to be willing to accept his help in whatever form it comes, be it good advice from a good friend on a touchy subject, or physical help paying bills, whatever it is I am convinced that if we want to move past the fog we've found ourselves in we must first accept help in whatever form i is sent.  Easier said than done, I know, but always, always worth it.