Dear Sarah,

Dear Sarah,

     It's been ten years. Ten full years since you left us and I feel it today as though it were yesterday.  The ache of you not being here, the small pang when I hold the grandchildren you will never hold.  Over the last year all three of your children had babies, and all I could think when I heard this news was how much you would have loved them.

     Though you never really were a "baby" person, you sure were a people person, and you absolutely loved the people children were.  

   I remember watching you play with Mikaiah at age two, and somehow you seemed to see her differently.  You treated her differently, like a person with opinions and thoughts that mattered. And they did.

      Since you've been gone I've had my own share of joys and griefs as well.  Two more children were added to our family, and one more baby was lost.  Too many others also taken before I thought they ought than I can list, but so much joy has come to us as well.  Since you are not here to meet and to know my sweet little gang, I'll give you a little update.

     My youngest, Eowyn Florence Hope was born 6 1/2 years ago and is going into the 1st grade.  She has the most contagious smile I have ever seen, and I see it a lot.  Eo (as we call her) seems to be my only true extrovert in our family.  In her mind there are no strangers, only friends she hasn't met yet.  As you can imagine this can be both a positive and a negative, but right now it's mostly a positive.  She's like a lantern lit in the dark, a shinning happy light that draws others to her and does not disappoint.  She has drawn our family together in a way I could have never imagined.   When I was pregnant with Stirling and we were trying to decided whether or not to be done having children, I felt this ache I can't explain.  I know now it was the Lord. It was like I was missing a child who didn't even exist.  I thought perhaps people always feel like that, that no matter how many children you have you always wonder about what could have been, what children you could have had.  For me this wasn't the case.  From the moment I knew she was coming I felt the completeness she made to our family.  The Lord definitely knew I needed this one in my life.

     My third born is Stirling Seth Patrick and he is 8 years old and is an expert builder with an amazing imagination.  He is as sweet as they come with a kick at the end!  This boy will curl up in my lap in the sweetest way, telling me how much he loves his Mama, and then one minute later he will jump up onto the coffee table, leap to the couch all the while accidentally landing on one of his sisters and then yell at them for getting in his way.  Then he will calm down, ask for a hug and rejoin me on the couch. 

     Sequoia Madeline Sarah, my second oldest, you did get to meet, though briefly.  Born just a month and a day before you passed away, my pregnancy with her and the miscarriages before her were some of the hardest things I've gone through, and yet even while fighting cancer, a cancer that would steal you from us all, you supported me and prayed for me and listened to me endlessly.  You were always about loving and serving others, even until the end. Thank you dear friend.

   I will always be grateful you got to meet Sequoia and hold her when you did.  The last thing you ever said to me was "Thank you for naming her after me." Whether or not you really cared that she was named after you I will never know, but you knew it was important to me and you felt honored by that I think, at least that was our intent.  Sequoia is very proud to carry on your name, and your memory.  This girl is something special.  She holds big feelings and even bigger reactions that sometimes put me at a loss, but she also has incredible wisdom, insight and compassion to bestow on those around her.  She shows a great amount of patience and kindness when working with young children. She is a thinker and a planner. She likes things to have a place and to be in it, a girl after her mom's heart.  

    And then we have Mikaiah Eleanor, whom you did meet.  You loved her from the beginning and you would love her now.  She's funny and quirky and completely her own.  She loves Jesus and others and has interminable patience with her siblings.  Mikaiah is amazingly creative. She loves to sew and draw and create all kinds of things.  Yesterday she used a 3D pen to create a saddle for Eowyn's Barbie horse as Eo had just returned from horse camp and is now obsessed with horses...until she isn't anymore, perhaps tomorrow.   Mikaiah discovered drama this year as she had a few small roles in her school play and she is hooked.  She cannot wait to be in the next play. She also takes much pride in playing the french horn and is learning the guitar, we will have to wait and see where all that leads to.  Not being musical in any way, I love this aspect that Seth has brought into our family. He's a very talented musician and I'm glad the children have at least one parent with skill in that department!

     Seth and I are still a great team, and I am absolutely thrilled to have married this amazing man. As we come up on 14 years this week I'm still so grateful to you and Kevin for hosting our wedding at your home.  It was truly magical to be married out there in nature, among all our friends and family.  You gave me great advice when you encouraged me to go ahead and date Seth.  You saw so much in him that I had been blinded to by my own youth and false impressions.  You helped me to see the truly special man that he was (and is.)  You also helped me see how our extreme opposites can be a blessing, and the more we learn of each other and how each of us process things and operate, the more this rings true.

      I think of you often dear friend, though very randomly at times.  I will be sitting in the backyard by our small pond and a memory of you and I on the back deck of your house will be triggered.  I cannot drink good earth tea or eat popcorn with brewers yeast without you by my side.  I haven't played pinochle even once since you passed away.  So many memories of staying up late with you and Kevin, playing cards while they drink beer and we drink tea and most often you and I lose, but sometimes we'd win.  Sometimes I think I'd like to find another couple to play pinochle with and other times the thought of "replacing" you feels like more than I can bear.

        Sarah, I wish you were here.  I wish you could see this lovely, quirky run down cabin of a home we bought and watch the progress we make as we slowly bring it to a new found glory, unlike one it's ever known.  Along the highway backed up to a hillside of 3+ acres of trees and poison oak and blackberries, with chickens and children all around, you'd love it here.

         I don't know what you've been doing all this time, but I know you're with Jesus and that's enough for me.  I know that if I only had even one glimpse of that life I would never again feel sorry for what you're missing out on here. Though if you were here beside me there is so much I would like to ask you, not so much about heaven or the afterlife but more just the kinds of questions I used to ask you.  Advice on parenting, and marriage and life in general. Thoughts on working or not working as my children go back to school and pondering if there is any good in social media at all or should we all just pull the plug. I know your answer already though, as you did that years before you left us.  Real relationships in real life were always your thing.

       Before I let you go, I just wanted to say thank you.  Thank you for all the very many ways you've changed my life and continue to do so.  Thoughts of how you brought people in and made them feel welcomed and known encourage me endlessly to push past my awkwardness and shyness when meeting new people and to do my best to draw them in.  Thinking of you and the types of well thought out questions you'd ask helps me to bridge all kinds of gaps when meeting people from different backgrounds.  You always knew how to find common ground and make people feel heard and to feel as though they belonged.  And finally, thinking of you reminds me to stop talking about myself quite so much and just listen, truly listen to what others are saying.

   You would ask me from time to time who the people are in my life and bring me life.  This is a question that I continue to ask of others, and to which my answer always included you and in many ways still does. Thank you for all the life and love you brought to myself and to many, many others, always pointing us back to Christ.

Miss you Sweet friend, Love,

Michelle

   

Being present and finding Joy in the midst of chaos

    "Life moves too fast, enjoy it."  "Savor the time when your children are little, you'll miss it soon enough."  "Dishes and cobwebs will keep, but your little ones will not." "Embrace a messy house, life is too short not to."  These and other similar sentiments are ones that I have both heard often and said myself, yet all good intentions aside, it's a lot easier said than done.

      A couple of  weeks ago on a lazy Sunday afternoon I found myself in a state of complete contement.  My children and one of their close friends were joyfully playing together, my husband was happily occupied in some pursuit of knowledge or other, and a cozy fire burned in the pellet stove as the rain pelted the roof outside, which only added to the overall coziness of the afternoon.  I climbed into our partially finished loft and newly christened play area to sort a few toys and survey the scene around me.  It struck me as such a happy peaceful moment that I decided to commemorate it with a photograph.  Here is where the trouble started. 

       As soon as I examined that picture I stopped noticing how happy and peaceful our home was and started up a to do list:  A) Pick up empty wood pellet bag and throw it away. B) Clean out the chicks pen.  C)  Ask Seth when he's thinking we'll get to work fixing our bedroom door, covering the wall behind the couch, fixing the drywall, patching up the ceiling, finishing the bathroom and on and on and on.    It was as if literal clouds rolled in and rain soaked my mood.   All of the sudden my beautiful day was dashed on the rocks and every content being in my body was overshadowed by feelings of being overwhelmed and inadequate.  Our home will never be done, I thought, and if it ever IS done, it will never feel organized and clean. 

      With all these thoughts crowding in I felt panic and despair creeping up, and then I stopped myself.  I took a deep breath, and then another, and then I remembered why I took the picture in the first place.   As I did so, I slowly backed myself down from a state of panic.    The mess can wait and the house will get done, one thing at a time.  However even if it doesn't, this time, right now, is perfect.  One day my house will be clean and stay clean and my kids will have moved out.  I will have more than even space and things can get organized, and I know with every fiber or my being that in those days I will ache to return to what I have right here and now.  There is no need for me to hijack myself and ruin the time I have now.  And then, not quite as quickly as it had come, my heart rate slowed, my anxiety went away and the joy of the day returned to me.

        The details may be different, but I know I am not alone in this.  Maybe you also can relate to this struggle.   Perhaps you are not remodeling your home, yet still we can be over run by laundry and wish lists that ultimately lead to discontentment.  Even without children the struggle to want things to be "just perfect" before you can really enjoy it all is real.  Every magazine and Home improvement show tells us our "fairy tale home is just a DIY project away..." and while improvements can be great, let's not let them dictate to us when our lives are "done" enough to be enjoyed.

         By nature I am not a procrastinator, never have been.  I have always been one to "eat my veggies first" so to speak, so that I can fully enjoy the "best parts" after.  I have always done my homework right away so I can play without it looming over my head, and as a grown woman and mother it is my instinct to clean and organize first for the greater enjoyment while relaxing later.  Here in lies the problem. It NEVER ends.  The messes never stop and nothing ever stays organized for long.  I can spend so much time working on cleaning and picking up that I never get to stop and recharge, or enjoy the day with my children and husband.

      In the summertime my solution to having messes made is often to not be home.  Go to the river or the beach or go pick berries, and spend the day at the park or with a friend.  These are all good and fine, but the laundry pile still climbs, bathrooms still need cleaned and dinner still has to be made.  And so it goes. To help myself find balance in this area several years ago, when my children were still toddlers and the mess was even worse than it is now, and help harder to find,  I set for myself a mental list each evening in order to "reset" the house so to speak. Do this, and no more.  The list is basically clear the table and counters, do dishes and clean up the toys and clutter from the floor in the main living areas.  A quick sweep and vacuum and then relax.  This is mostly done once my kids are in bed and has helped me immensely.  To this day I still do this, and in this way I can stop and relax in the evening while not having to wake up feeling 10 steps behind.

     Yet still, on days like that Sunday in the midst of the mess of the day I must take a moment and remind myself of the beauty in the madness. Filling my mind with gratitude and contentment once again.

Things I have learned from my Father

       For better or worse we are all shaped by the parents who raised us.  Some people run from their upbringing, promising never to repeat the practices they were raised with, while others, like myself, can only hope to reflect the lessons they learned in childhood as they grow up and raise children of their own.  This is a happy thing.  As today just happens to be the Birthday of one of my very special parents, I thought I would take a moment to honor my dad today.

        If you met my dad in passing you might describe him as quiet, or, a man of few words.  If you actually know my dad, you'd know this perception is false.  He is a man of conviction and great wisdom.  He is compassionate, kind and extremely generous.  To say that he is a "behind the scenes kind of guy" is the understatement of the century.  In fact, sometimes he's so behind the scenes he's actually out of the country, but in spirit or in person he's still there.  Encouraging, listening, and supporting in all he does

         Yesterday I decided to write down a list of some of the things I have learned from my dad over the years, followed by a little background on this great man.  

1. If it's broken and can be fixed, it should be fixed.  

2. Never underestimate the power of putting your head down and getting "it done." Hard work is never wasted. 

3. Forgiveness should always be given, but trust must be earned back.

4. If you want to have good relationships that last, you must put in the work. Period.

5. When you choose not to keep a record of wrongs you choose to ward off the bitterness that so often chooses to fester.

6. Finding contentment in your circumstances is the only way to truly be happy.  My dad has never said these words out loud, he simply lives them with his life and they ring true.

7.  Hot chocolate (and cherry pie!) can go a long way in curing disappointment.

8.  You can never get good enough at cards to regularly beat the computer - but that's okay because the computer definitely cheats.

9.  Work shirts never go out of style.  Also, please don't give my dad any more work shirts.

10.  You can never have enough rope.

11.  If you tell a joke and no one laughs simply repeat the joke until you get the desired response.   Most likely they didn't hear you the first time or they are just not quite on your "level."

12.  There is always time to read to grandchildren.

13. Children are always interested in watching videos of a helicopter land on an aircraft carrier. Always.

14.  Money is not worth striving after.  Relationships are what really matters.

15. A good book is always worth reading.

16. Don't be hasty.

17.  Don't be too tired to play with your children.

18.  If you see a large snowball in the road, don't swerve to hit it.  Just don't.  But if you do, definitely don't comment on it as you do so.

19.  Blackberries taste great on cereal.

20.  Homemade buttermilk syrup is so good you could eat shoe leather with it, but please don't.

21.  Always be prepared.  (Some people never leave the boy scouts.)

     

       My Father grew up in El Cajon, CA  on an avocado farm, the second of three sons born to Leroy and Mildred "Millie" Stewart.  He graduated at 17 and joined the marines.  It was during his time in the marines that he became an avionics technician (I believe, although most likely after reading this my Father will email me with a list of corrections.) He spent three years in the Marines and then possibly two years of additional schooling (or something.) Although raised in the Lutheran Church it wasn't until his time in the Marines that he would say he really came to trust Christ as his Lord and Savior. 

     During this time he got his private pilots license (as did my mother- separately, and he spent time flying to and from Arizona where she was teaching on a reservation.  They had grown up together, attending Christ Lutheran church together with their families.  My mother was not very interested in this "young buck" at first, but thankfully she warmed up to him just before he gave up.  My dad took a job at Evergreen Avionics and made the move to McMinnville, OR - a little while later my parents got married and my mother joined him in McMinnville.  Two or three years later they bought the house they now live in, and their roots went deep.   They started attending McMinnville Covenant Church when it was just being formed and stayed there for more than 15 years.  

   My Father's parents sold their farm a few years later and moved to McMinnville as well.  Although we saw them pretty regularly my grandparents were not the babysitting type.  We did work on the farm and we always knew they loved us, but I never felt as though I really knew my grandparents.

When my parents moved to McMinnville somehow they got connected with the McMinnville Covenant Church and quickly became faithful members.  I do believe we would still be at the Covenant Church if it weren't for my mother choosing to make the change to True Vine Christian Fellowship, in large part due to the youth groups though at this time we were also in a homeschool community with several families who attended True Vine. However, even after all these years my Father continues to be a faithful member of the Wed. morning Men's bible study.  

       My Father continued to work for Evergreen  for over 40 years, until they went bankrupt and were bought out by Erickson Aviation.  They weren't a great company to work for,  long hours, not great pay and no promises you'd be home at any point in time. He worked many, many 70+ hour weeks and was sometimes out of the country for months on end, never quite knowing when he would return.  With four little ones at home this might have been the hardest on my mother, yet they loved the home they had built here and the friends they had made. Any job change would require a long commute or a move and in the end they decided against either.  I remember towards the end of Evergreen's days asking my dad  how he could work for such a company he worked so hard for with so little recognition for so long.  He was quiet for a moment and then responded that they had provided the means to support his family and provide for our needs for all those years.  He didn't hate the work, though the way the company ran  might not be his favorite, it was enough.  He wasn't bitter or frustrated or just waiting to be "done" and move on.  He found a way to be content and not hold a grudge.  This has always stuck with me.   

         After the company was sold he spent several years on supply ships for 6-8 weeks at a time on and then 6-8 weeks off.  This was much better in many ways, but in the end my Mother convinced him to retire.  Over the past few years we have been able to see a lot more of my dad, as he usually comes to visit on Tuesdays along with my mother.  Watching my children have an actual relationship with my parents is one of my favorite things.  My Father continues to teach me many powerful lessons and encourages me as I raise my own children.  I will always be thankful to have him for my Father.  Thanks Dad.  Happy Birthday.

   

2020 Unflitered

    "Ahhh! Good ol' 2020!" said no one ever.  So, it's no secret that this year has been a tough one, but before I say "sayonara" I would like to take a moment to reflect on this past year, and all those blessings in disguise.

         This year has been a year of taking all the "knowns" in my life and shaking them to their foundations.  The idea that schools, parks and businesses would always be open and that Holidays would always be for gather are some of the big ones for me. I never even pondered the idea that we would not have in person school.  Never.  Then one Friday morning, a week before spring break, my children went to school like normal and came home forever.  And just a few weeks latter we ended up stuck at home...for months.  

       If you know me well, you probably know that I am an introvert.   True, I am an introvert who sometimes looks like an extrovert, but I thrive on quiet time at home. I don't love big groups, but can handle them if I can find a small group within the group.  Overstimulation makes me feel positively panicked.  For many the lockdown brought much quiet time.  It brought people who were running around like crazy to a crashing halt and sucked people into their homes like a hoover.   They played games, put together jig saw puzzles like they were going out of style, and built fantastic gardens.  They took a deep breath and long walks and tried to look at the positives.  I tried to look at the positives too, but my view, like many stay at home moms of school age children, was very different.  This year had been new milestone for me, one I have been working towards for years.  Three of my four children were in school, two full time and one two days a week.  It was fantastic!  I saw people again, I worked on my yard, I organized my house, I had coffee dates for crying out loud!  I loved it!  And then it was over, and as though someone slapped me in the face they sent all my children back, closed the parks and said "You teach them!"  I was devastated.  My house was full of little people with cabin fever.  I cried, I hid in my room, and I drank lots of coffee.  I did the one normal thing I could do and continued to workout from home through Zoom.  Burn bootcamp was the one thing that didn't falter, although what that looked like changed drastically.  I woke up, worked out in my room and attempted to stay sane.  Gone were my hours of quiet with one little child playing happily in her room. Gone were the coffee dates and catch ups with friends.  Here was the noise, the bickering and complaining.  Here were fractions to teach and sight words to work on.  All the things I didn't want to do.    And the noise, Oh the noise, noise, noise! 24/7, 7 days a week.  It was almost too much.  Why did we want 4 children I pondered?  How had this seemed like a good idea?  

    However, one thing that helped keep me sane was the knowledge that I was not alone. Everyone was in this battle.  It looked differently for each person, and it played out differently as well, but we were all affected, no matter our views.  And we Mothers were stuck at home too, with all the mayhem and havoc that children and internet connections and school assignments can read and we did what we had to do.  We rallied.  We encouraged and comforted and supported one another in whatever ways possible.  I became intentional about Skype dates and sending voice messages to friends.  My dad would daily have Sequoia do her reading lessons with him via Zoom because she behaved so much better with him than with I.  I had Zoom birthday parties and Zoom game nights.  I wrote actual letters in the mail, and received them in return.  I felt hope.  I got through the school year and we created a new normal.  Trips to the fair or the library were replaced with trips to the beach. Trips to the pool became trips to the river instead. We always spend time at the river, but this year it was on overload!  Finding new swimming holes and enjoying old ones. We masked up for garage sales and went on treasure hunts. We jumped on the trampoline and went on walks at the Wetlands.  We flew kites and sat in the sunshine, and finally, finally, we went back to the parks.   We appreciated even more the things we had begun to take for granted. Learning to appreciate what you already have is one of life greatest gifts.  As I watched "It's a wonderful life" this year for the millionth time I couldn't help but feel more deeply than ever this truth, that when you realize what you really have what you don't have becomes insignificant.

    We camped and had bonfires in the back yard and fixed broken water pipes.   We paid high power bills and rejoiced with lower ones.  We picked berries and painted faces and enjoyed the freedom of it all. Summer was not the same as before, but it was delightful.  It was like the first green grass in Spring, somewhat meager but so well loved.   Fall came, and with it my hopes of children filling the classrooms once again came crashing down.  The drowning feeling that had flitted away in the summer came back with driving force.  I took deep breaths, I planned and organized, and cried.  I missed the teachers and the classrooms and the kids catching the bus to school.  I missed the social interactions my children no longer had, and most of all, I missed my promise of a return to the quiet (though not lazy) life.  This time I had a Kindergartner, a first grader and a fourth grader and a very strong learning curve when it came to all things online school.  It was so tough.  It was tough for me, it was tough for the parents and it was (is) Oh so tough for those sweet teachers.  My kids were sad. I was sad. It was a real challenge.   But the sun kept shining.  We kept on going, and slowly things got easier.  Routines returned and laughter was had.  I found myself enjoying having the kids home.  We spent so much more time together and the kids have actually learned to play together more without screens all the time.  Some of the time they use screens, but not all the time.  I was afraid at the beginning that I would break down and all they would do would be watch shows, and so I was intentional not to do this.  Some days we did, but most days we didn't. And the glow of children not solely living on screens is delightful.  (If you still rely heavily on screens please feel no judgement from me, we all do what we have to do.)  However for our household the attitudes of my children are night and day different when they have been using screens often.  It's almost shocking.

      I will still be glad when schools open, whenever that may be, (not holding my breath over here)  but I will miss them, some of the time.  I have some pretty great kids and they fill my heart with Joy.  So many good times would have been missed if none of this had happened and all the hard times have added to the richness and depth which we experience life.  I will always be grateful for that.

      We also have been blessed to have had work continue for Seth throughout all of this.  The hardship of unemployment which so many face is one we gratefully haven't  had to deal with.  We have been healthy and whole, and for that I am also thankful.  

       This year we have watched close friends give birth to new babes and have seen (from afar) the joy that new life brings.  We have also experienced the loss of loved ones this year, dear friends who have left great holes in our lives and that pain runs deep as well.  I know many of you have experienced this and our   our hearts go out to you.  

        As I look back on this year and all it has thrown our way I can't help but feel the over all beauty of it all wash over me.  The Joy somehow magnified through the pain.  I have seen anxiety and fear in my life be replaced with Joy and Hope.  I have felt frustration and anguish be replaced by Peace.  I know where my Hope comes from, and He is enough.

        Wishing you all a New Year full of life and love and hope.  

         

Holding patterns

   Whenever life begins to get stressful or overwhelming I automatically jump into coping mode, and for me this means moving into a holding pattern. I take in only as much information as necessary, I find a routine and stick to it,  and I don't overthink things too much.  If I start to feel stressed again I take deep breaths and repeat, and this works...for a while.  Much like treading water, it will help for a time, but it won't get you anywhere.  In life I find that if I'm not moving forward inevitably I am moving backwards. This current season we're in has been full of holding patterns for me, physically and mentally.  From the outside these often look more healthy that they actually are.  For example, all throughout Covid I have continued to workout from home via Zoom regularly, even upping the number of workouts I do each week,  and this has definitely helped me a lot, however I have let the nutrition side slide a lot.  My loving husband has tried to encourage me in this, and I, loving wife that I am, basically bit his head off every time he mentioned a good podcast or method he's been using that have been helping him.  In truth, he didn't say anything out of line, but I couldn't receive it.  I was in a holding pattern that simply couldn't accommodate any new restrictions or changes.  I should know by now that when these holding patterns change from getting me through one day at a time to becoming an unapproachable person, it is no longer healthy.

    I am often not even aware of this switch in my heart, but there is one who knows the moment I start to slip.  As a Christian I believe that my Father in heaven knows me from the inside out, that there is nothing I can hide from him.  I believe that me made me in my Mother's womb and that I have been beautifully and wonderfully made.  I believe that I am an in imperfect person who is in need of saving and that Jesus Christ, the only perfect being, died in my place on the cross so that my sins, and the sins of people everywhere and for all time, would no longer separate us from the Father,  who is Love and, in the truest nature of Love simply can not abide where sin is present.   

     I believe that even though I still make mistakes, the price that Jesus paid was enough to forgive all my sins and misdeeds, past, present and future.  I believe that I am loved, just as I am, that there is nothing I can do to increase or decrease God's love for me.   However, I also believe that when I am choosing to act in ways that are contrary to the commandments given to us, such as in Mark 12:30  where it states the greatest commandment is this: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. and the second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself.  There is no commandment greater than these."  And also John 14:27 " Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."
Then I am not walking in God's will for my life and that change is needed to direct me back so that I can live a life full of Love.  Fear is not of the Lord and when I choose to harbor fear I am choosing to let darkness enter my life.  This darkness sinks me to the greatest depths, and yet I don't have to remain in this place.  It's a choice.

     If you are reading this and it makes you uncomfortable, or if you are reading it and find you strongly disagree with me, I want you to know that's okay.  This is what I believe, and what I believe shapes who I am and I wish to be as open and vulnerable about this as I am with the other areas of my life.  I have often shied away from sharing my beliefs and convictions because I do not wish to offend others, but what I believe has molded me into the person I am and I am not ashamed.  Everything good in my life has come from the Lord, and for this I will never cease to give thanks. I wish you to know that nothing I believe makes me love you less.  If anything, it makes me love you more.  I don't see you as a project or a mission, but as a person made by God whom I love and care for as well as I can.  As a Christian there are a lot of negative stigmas and associations out there. A LOT.  So many that I often hesitate to claim Christianity, and prefer to call myself a Jesus follower, and yet I am a Christian, a Christ follower and  though that doesn't mean that I agree with all things  associated with Christians.  Christ himself was often misunderstood, so I too can be okay with being misunderstood and labeled incorrectly.  All people make mistakes, clearly Christians are not exempt from this we too make mistakes, lots of them, but there is forgiveness for those mistakes.  This forgiveness is offered to you as well, whether or not you recognize your need for it, it is there all the same.  

     By nature, I am a peace keeper.  I don't wish to make others uncomfortable and I don't like to stir the pot, but sometimes that's just a cop out that keeps me from speaking the words on my heart.  The words of life and love and forgiveness that our World is in desperate need of.  Words that remind us that we cannot save ourselves,  but that we have access to the only one who can.  The only one who truly has our best interest at heart.  

     I know these things deep within me.  I know them like I know that I know my children are mine - from the very depths of my being.   I believe that Lord speaks to me through his Holy Spirit and that by quieting myself in practices similar to what the world calls "mindfullness" I am able to focus on what the Lord is saying to me.  I hear him speak to my heart and know his voice, and he brings me peace.  The Lord speaks to me in many ways.  Lately I have been feeling irritable, anxious and have not been super pleasant to be around, at least not for those who know me best.  Sorry my dear family, you definitely take the brunt of it.  So when I sat down and opened my daily devotional book "Jesus Calling" I felt the Lord speak straight to my heart.  Here is what today's entry said:

Jesus Calling: July 28th

Let My Love seep into the inner recesses of your being. Do not close off any part of yourself from Me. I know you inside and out, so do not try to present a "cleaned-up" self to Me. Wounds that you shut away from the Light of My Love will fester and become wormy. Secret sins that you "hide" from Me can split off and develop lives of their own, controlling you without your realizing it.
     Open yourself fully to My transforming Presence. Let My brilliant Love-Light search out and destroy hidden fears. This process requires time alone with Me, as My Love soaks into your innermost being. Enjoy My perfect Love, which expels every trace of fear.

RELATED SCRIPTURE:
Psalm 139:1-4 (NLT)
Psalm 139
For the choir director: A psalm of David.
1 O Lord, you have examined my heart
    and know everything about me.
2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
    You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
3 You see me when I travel
    and when I rest at home.
    You know everything I do.
4 You know what I am going to say
    even before I say it, Lord.

Psalm 139:23-24 (NLT)
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 Point out anything in me that offends you,
    and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

1st John 4:18 (NLT)
18 Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love.

     As I read this I began to weep.  All of the fear and anxieties I have held onto, things I didn't even know I was dealing with, all of these are already known to the Lord.  During these times fear is everywhere.  Many of these fears I have not felt, and so did not realize that I too was bound up in fear and anxiety.  After reading this entry and the following scriptures I started writing down all the fears I have been feeling, some for years and some more recently, as well as some of  things I am not afraid of.

-I am afraid that if I put forth a real effort to control my eating habits I will still not be successful.

-I am afraid I will never be a healthy weight.

-I am afraid of peoples comments on the above two items.

-I am afraid I will let down those who love me the most.

-I am afraid of passing down unhealthy habits to my children.

-I am afraid of inadvertently passing on poor body image to my children, by the way I view my own self.

-I am afraid my children will not truly believe that they are enough, just as God made them to be.  

-I am afraid that no matter how hard I try, I will always fail. 

-I am afraid that if I homeschool school my kids I will totally lose my mind.

-I am afraid that if I homeschool I will not be the mom I want to be.

-I am afraid that if I homeschool I will never be able to recharge, as this has felt true in the past.

-I am afraid that if I send my kids to school people will judge me.  

-I am afraid that sending my kids to school will mean I am not a good enough mom to homeschool.

-I am afraid of being misunderstood.

-I am NOT afraid of Covid 19.

-I am NOT afraid of wearing masks, though I don't love them.

-I am NOT afraid of not wearing masks.

-I am afraid of what people think.

-I am not afraid of a vaccine.

-I am afraid of a vaccine being pushed by power, money and ulterior motives.

-I am afraid of a vaccine being rushed without the proper tests due to the aforementioned motives.

-I am not afraid of conspiracy theories.

-I am however stressed by all of the conspiracy theories out there, feels like fear mongering.

As these fears and anxieties poured out of me I felt this heavy burden drain out of me, replaced by the deepest peace I have ever known.  Perfect Love drives out fear.  This is truth in my life.  I know that I am not enough, I will always fail on my own but God is enough and he is guiding me. He is my strength and he is all I need.  In this knowledge I rest.  

     I thought it would be hard to share these thoughts, these fears that I have held so long and yet somehow the simple act of sharing them has helped to free me from their hold.  Does this mean I will not struggle with them again? Surely not, it means when faced with new/recurring fears I need to surrender them to the Lord in my heart, knowing that he is the only one who has overcome fear and death.  It's a continual process, and that's okay.  The more I fix my eyes on Jesus the less I focus on the storms all around me.  So here it goes, one more step forward.

A decade in review, life unfiltered.

     Well there's nothing like a new year to prompt us to reflect on the past and look forward to the future.  As this is the beginning of a new decade I decided to go further than the past year and do a whole decade in review.  These past ten years have been some of the most significant in my life. The biggest changes, the biggest challenges and the deepest joys.  This is an unfiltered glimpse into the past ten years, where I've been and where we are now.  I wrote it in large part for myself as a sort of self-reflection, but find so much value in being real and genuine with people and letting them into my life,  even when it's not pretty.  So here are  my unpolished, unapologetic reflections of the past ten years.

January 2010
Location: Sheridan, OR in a weird little apartment above a huge shop.
Children: 0
Job: Michelle worked at McMinnville Montessori school as an assistant teacher.
  Seth worked for his dad at Finley Woodworking, building and installing cabinets.

   Newly married, Seth and I had just spent our first Christmas together married.  We had started dating on Dec. 31st 2008 and got married 08/08/09.   We knew each other for years, but had zero interest in one another for most of those years.  The Lord changed that.  In a heart beat I went from "Seth's a good friend." to "Seth's a really good friend." And then we were married.
    This year was both amazing and super challenging.  We had a roommate living with us almost as soon as we got married which was both good and hard.  Seth and I grew a lot as a couple, learning about one another and working on our communication skills!  Whenever Seth and I take personality tests we are complete and total opposites.  It works, we complement each other well, but it takes a lot of good communication to make it work well.
Half way through the year I got promoted to head teacher of the after school care classroom.  I loved this, having my own classroom and my own space.  It was a really wonderful place to work.  We also moved into a cute little house owned by some of our friends (still in Sheridan) and gained a couple more roommates.

January 2011:
Location: Sheridan, OR in the Walton's little house.
Children: 6 months pregnant with our first
Job: Michelle was the head teacher for the after school care class at McMinnville Montessori School and Seth worked for Finley WoodWorking.

     Having gotten married in our mid to late 20's and already having lived on our own for several years, Seth and I decided to start a family right off the bat.  On March 19th  2011, after four days of labor, I gave birth via C-section, and welcomed Mikaiah Eleanor Finley into our family.  7lbs 13oz.  She was just perfect.  From the moment he saw her, Seth was smitten.  Their bond was instantaneous and permanent- it has not wavered.  I quit my job a week before having Mikaiah to become a stay at home mom, something I had always wanted to do, but at times feared I would never get to do.  And just like that, life changed.
       When Mikaiah was 4 months old we left Sheridan and moved to Corvallis, OR with 6 other families to help start The Hive Communities, small churches focused on community.  I'm not a big one for change, having lived in the same home for the first 21 years of my life - but moving with friends helps.  And moving only an hour away helps even more.


January 2012:
Location: Corvallis, OR  Living in "the little blue trailer" in the Twin Oaks trailer park. 600 square feet and no roommates!
Number of children: Mikaiah 9 mo
Job: Red Beard Building LLC. - Seth left Finley Woodworking and started his own contracting business.
   
      This was the beginning of a rough couple of years for us.  We had had a child, moved to a new city - which we love, and started a new business.  Towards the end of February, when Mikaiah was just 11 months old, I was experiencing a lot of pain and ended up in the ER.  I didn't know it at the time, but I had just had my first miscarriage.  I didn't even know I was pregnant beforehand, and they didn't tell me at the hospital.  Later after having other miscarriages it became clear that was had happened, but at the time I just kind of let it go.
  Then in May I found out I was pregnant again, hurray!  I was sick, but happy to have a little one on the way.  Also, my brother was getting married to an amazing woman.  Things were going well.  Three days before the wedding I began to bleed and that night I lost the baby.  This one hit me hard.  They say not to tell people you're pregnant until 12 weeks because if you lose the baby it will be awkward, but let me tell you, when you lose a baby and then have to tell close friends both that you were pregnant and lost the baby (because I am a verbal processor and need my peeps to help me figure things out) it really sucks.  Still in a lot of pain physically, I was a bridesmaid in my brothers wedding, and it was lovely.  But it was also really hard, I had really wanted to tell family at the wedding we were expecting and instead mostly I said nothing.   I lay in bed in my mother's house, staring at the empty crib where my now toddler used to sleep.  I had imagined this new little one taking her place, and now this "would be" baby was gone.  I cried.
    Six weeks later something happened I didn't know was possible, I found out I was pregnant.  Two days later I lost the baby.  I began to feel I would never have another child and the sight of a pregnancy test sent me into a frenzy of emotions.  It was both my hope and my biggest fear.
     The thing about miscarriages is that people don't really know how to respond to you, perhaps this is true of grief in general.  Most responses people give are either unhelpful or unintentionally hurtful, but the thought behind them is felt.  Grief can be like that, it's hard to help friends who are grieving but ignoring them makes it even worse.  We need one another, and at times like this perhaps we need each other the most.  I have a pretty amazing support system of friends and family and a God who never lets me go.  His faithfulness was surely felt during this painful summer.  For while there was pain and loss there was joy as well.
     Somewhere in this journey I learned that there was a chance my body couldn't process folic acid, so I started taking folate and in October discovered I was once again expecting.  Though I was a little fearful, I also had hope, and as the months rolled by and the baby continued to grow, so did the expectation that everything would be okay.
      One of my dear friends who prayed with me so often and supported me so faithfully was Sarah Nichols.  I had known Sarah since I was 12, at first as a mentor and later as a dear friend as well.  Seth and I were even married at their house in Amity.  Sarah and her husband Kevin were one of the couples who moved with us to Corvallis to start the Hive.  We were lucky enough to live just a few trailers down from this special family.  During this time, Sarah was herself fighting cancer, but having just had surgery to remove it I felt the worst was behind her.  I was wrong.
       Something else I should mention about 2012 is that while Seth and I had always enjoyed camping and had gone on many trips even after having Mikaiah, we always wished we would do it more and living in a tiny house made getting out that much more pertinent.  So in January we opened up the calendar and planned 12 (or more) trips - at least one per month.  In February and December we would stay in a yurt, but November, January and March were our cold camping months. This made a world of difference for us.  Seth is a project guy.  At home, he's always working on a project. For fun or necessity, if he's there, he's doing it.  Also, our home was so small there wasn't a lot of room to just "hang out."  I needed some quality family time where we were all together, and we both wanted to be out in the woods more.  Camping had always been something we both loved together, and bonus, it is cheap.  It was the best New Years resolution we've ever made, which is probably why we continued it for quite a while.

January 2013:
Location: Corvallis, OR
Children: Mikaiah 1 1/2, and 3 months pregnant.
Job: Red Beard Building LLC

      This year is a precious one in my books.  It was really, really hard, but also very special. In fact, it was quite  possibly the hardest  year in my life, yet it was beautiful all the same.
     I started the year off by turning 30 years old, which I was more than ready for.  We spent time with friends, we watched the church grow and we relished in watching our daughter grow and change.  With both my mother and Seth's mother about an hour away we had some great family times together.  Mikaiah was an easy going toddler, who turned 2 March 19th 2013.  She was excited to meet her new sister and so were we.  One of my closest friends, Amelia Vaage, lived just two houses away with her own daughter, just two months younger than Mikaiah.  The two have been inseparable from birth.  We took many trips to the beach and the Aquarium together, took walks downtown, and spent time visiting with Sarah.  My sister, Ardith, had also moved in to the trailer park from Seattle and it was a pleasure to have her.  Yes, the trailer park was turning into one big happy family.  As the months wore on however, Sarah's cancer returned and was getting worse.  Time passed and my due date grew close.  I still had hopes for a v-bac (vaginal birth after cesarean) but knew it wasn't likely.  July 1st came and with it so did Sequoia Madeline Sarah Finley.  My wonderful, strong, willful child who brought joy to our lives and a (loud) song to our hearts.  I had assumed that once this child was finally born, life would adjust and resume pretty much as it had before I was pregnant, only this time with two children.  Mikaiah had been an easy baby, though my milk supply had issues and had to be supplemented at 6 weeks.  Sequoia, however wonderful, was not an easy baby.  She wasn't gaining weight and my milk supply was failing me.  I would feed her, and pump, and change diapers (on two children) then feed and pump some more.  Still recovering from what had become a second c-section (not traumatic, but still hard to recover from) all this took a toll on me.   We continued much as usual, camping with friends and family, spending time at the river or the park, visiting Sarah, praying for her healing, and generally continued to enjoy life as much as possible.  I got to introduce Sarah to Sequoia, who bears her name, and though she was weak, she got to hold Sequoia for a whole hour.  This was amazing considering the shape she was in, her body broken down from months of fighting this disease, slowly betraying her day by day.  I will never forget sitting next to Sarah in an armchair watching Mikaiah stuff acorns into her shirt as she played on the floor and chuckling as Sequoia slept in the Sarah's peaceful embrace- a look of absolute bliss on her face.  Sarah was never a "baby" person per se, but these two were a match made in heaven.  As I left that day she turned to me and said "thank you for naming her after me."  She probably said it for my benefit, the ever gracious person that she is, but it meant so much to me.  Those were the last words I ever heard her say, though I did get to see her one last time right before leaving on our annual family reunion camping trip.  I held her hand as she lay listlessly on the bed, unmoving, unspeaking and as I left the house and drove to our camp ground I cried the whole way.  Mikaiah kept asking me what was wrong and I just kept crying.  I called Seth at work and told him he should visit her before coming out, and he did.  It was both heartbreaking and beautiful.  Over the next few days as she took her last breaths we prayed for her and their family, we shared memories, we laughed and we cried.  On August 2nd 2013 she went to be with Jesus, her suffering was over.  
        Oh friends.  I know I'm not the only one who faced this grief, or others like it, but as I think of that summer it feels otherworldly.  Somehow managing to keep my children alive and move through life one day at a time, sustained only by the Lord's grace and strength in my life.   I now know that I was also struggling with Post Partum depression. Moving as though through molasses, trying to make it through each day.  The most mundane tasks seeming insurmountable.  I assumed I was just sad because of Sarah's death and that it wasn't PPD, but I don't think our brains separate things like that.  All  the things that I was dealing with;  a new baby, the passing of a friend, a poor milk supply and a needy toddler were lumped together like last weeks potluck thrown in a Tupperware container and somehow I needed to navigate it.  I wish I had talked to my doctor about all of this, but I just didn't get it.  I honestly didn't see how bad it was until I was halfway out. I did have a lot of support with my nursing, and still tear up when I think of our wonderful pediatrician and nurse who walked with me through this and my subsequent babies so faithfully.  We have this amazing nurse, Jan, who even came to my house several times to help.  An angel here on earth, I am convinced.  Also, the love and support I received from friends and family was overwhelming.  Amelia actually stepped in and would nurse her for me when I had nothing left (mentally, emotionally, and physically.). She gave my baby what I couldn't, and gave me the break I so desperately needed, though dealing with difficult situations of her own.  My mother and mother in- law both took Mikaiah multiple times and would come and do whatever was needed.  Seth stepped it up as well.  This guy was born to be a dad, he is so good with our children.  And little by little. Step by step, things got better.

January 2014:
Location: Corvallis, OR - trailer park
Children: Mikaiah 2 1/2, and Sequoia 6 months
Job: Red beard building LLC

       This year brought with it one of my favorite things...snow!  Lots of snow.  At one point we had almost 18 inches, which for the Willamette Valley, is a LOT.  There were snowmen, and sledding  and general merriment. (Avery Park, just a few blocks from our home, has one of the best hills for sledding with children - steep enough to be fun but doesn't take 20 minutes to climb back up, and it's no where near the roads.)   We continued to spend time camping, but after a full two and a half years of once a month camping we decided to cut out the winter month obligations and camp once a month May through September/October. Although we enjoyed the unique experiences we had in the off months, and had some really special trips, mostly we would sit there willing the weather to be warmer!  The first year we camped we had almost no rain.  Even in the winter, if it did rain it was just for part of a day.  It was amazing.  The second year however seemed to rain every single trip, even in the summer.  Even as Oregonians who are used to the rain, this gets old.  Cleaning up wet and muddy gear is the worst, and having to dry out your huge tent inside your tiny trailer is as fun as you imagine it would be! We did continue to camp in yurts once or twice in the winter, however.
     In June I became pregnant and then lost the baby in July.  In August I was pregnant again, this time with what would be my only son.  From the moment I saw the pregnancy test say positive, I somehow knew we would get to meet this baby.

January 2015:
Location: Corvallis, but moved to Philomath Feb. 2015
Children: Mikaiah 3 1/2, Sequoia 1 1/2 and 6 months pregnant
Job: Red Beard Building LLC
       This year was a bit of a turning point for me.  I had been taking Mikaiah to a parent/child preschool (Healthy Sprouts) which just happened to consist almost entirely of moms who attended this moms group called H.O.M.E.  which stands for Helping Our Moms Excel.  It meets on Tuesday mornings at Northwest Hills Community Church.  One of the moms in healthy sprouts invited me right away but it took me a few weeks to visit.  I was so nervous, but this group of 60+ moms is pretty exceptional.  I think I love it so much for several reasons.  First, there is great child care.  For two care free hours my kids are loved on and cared for by people other than myself. I desperately needed a break, and here, I had one.  Also, during that time I sat around a table with 6-8 other women and got the much needed reminder that I was not alone.  I made some good friends, and ate some good food.  This was a place of peace and I was ready to soak it up.  Due to scheduling it took me another month or so to be able to go again, and then I was hooked.  The support this diverse group of ladies gives is phenomenal. Five years in and I still look forward to it every week.
         On April 21st, 2015 Stirling Seth Patrick Finley was born, making it c-section #3.
In September Mikaiah started preschool at an LBCC cooperative preschool.  She loved school immediately and Sequoia enjoyed tagging along as I volunteered every couple of weeks.  It was great.

January 2016:
Location: 261 20th Place, Philomath, OR
Children: Mikaiah 4 1/2, Sequoia 2 1/2, and Stirling 8 months
Job: Red Beard Building LLC
     At this point, we were living in a much bigger home right next to some pretty amazing neighbors. Some friends of ours had been living in this manufactured home (ironically, owned by other mutual friends) but they had purchased and remodeled a home of their own and were moving on. We were asked if we'd like the house and we jumped at the chance. Life was getting easier.  Sequoia still wasn't sleeping through the night, but Stirling, my youngest at the time, was.  From birth Stirling has been one of the most chill people on the planet.  It takes a lot to ruffle his feathers. Sequoia can do it, she has skills, but it takes a lot!  Sequoia was getting to be more and more fun as well as her personality emerged. She loved to dress herself, often wearing multiple dresses and swimsuits all at the same time.  Mikaiah was taking ballet with her bestie, Elowen, and loving it.  That summer we decided to take a road trip to Iowa to celebrate the wedding of one of our long time friends, Pete Nichols.  The drive over was painful.  I thought it would be a good idea to drive at night so our kids would sleep and then sleep during the day, but our kids just woke up in the middle of the night and cried. For hours.  It was horrible.  After 2 1/2 days we finally made it.  Even though I had been questioning our sanity on the way there, the trip was wonderful.  We celebrated Sequoia's 3rd Birthday the day after we arrived, July 1st, and they were married the next day.  On the 3rd of July we left and drove to my Aunt's house in Highlands Ranch, CO.  We spent the whole day with her and my cousins, and my cousins daughter, hanging out and relaxing. Seth got to go visit the distillery my cousin worked at while my Aunt and I took the kids to the park.  It was a much needed break.  That evening we had an amazing 4th of July BBQ and watched fireworks from the roof.  On the 5th we started a much slower journey home, spending several days and visiting Yellow Stone National Park for the first time in my life. This was a great trip, though halfway though I started throwing up a bit.  A bad combo of travel foodwas my first thought, a week later I would discover I was wrong.  Baby #4 was on her way.  This was intentional, but it didn't matter, I was tired and exhausted and emotionally run down.  I cried off and on for a week.  Then a few weeks later Mikaiah started kindergarten at Clemens Primary School and shortly after Sequoia started preschool, and all was right with the world again.

January 2017
Location: 261 20th Pl. Philomath, OR
Children: Mikaiah 5 1/2, Sequoia 3 1/2, Stirling 1 1/2, and 6 month pregnant.
Job: Red Beard Building LLC
       As the new year dawned, things were going well.  The girls were enjoying school and I was trying to appreciate this, my last pregnancy.  I love having children, but, truth be told, I kind of hate being pregnant.  It's just so uncomfortable, and for someone who needs a lot of alone time in-utero babies are really inconsiderate about this.  They just don't care.  Still, I wouldn't trade it for anything.
On March 7th, 2017 Eowyn Florence Hope Finley was born, and my baby carrying journey was at an end.  After Sequoia was born, and we knew all our babies would be c sections, I knew that when we were done having kids I wanted to have my tubes tied right after the c-section.  So, just as planned, this is what we did.  I was so thrilled!  Seriously folks, I could have thrown a tube removal party for myself I was so happy.  Just knowing that this was our family, that it was complete, and I could mentally and physically move on was so helpful to me.  What I wasn't expecting was the grief that came.  The day after Eowyn was born was a happy one.  Those first few days after a baby is born are always my favorite,  a cute baby, Seth changes all the diapers, older kids are with grandparents and an endless supply of cheesecake, what more could a girl you ask for?!?  There was a moment however, when I was holding Eowyn and I looked at Seth and it just struck me for some reason that this was the very last time.  I turned to Seth and said "I can't have any more babies." And then I got all choked up.  He looked at me, confused.  "I thought that was the point," he said.  And it was.  And I wasn't sorry.  And I still don't want more children, even in the moment I knew I didn't want more children.  But what I had forgotten in my haste to survive these early years is just how precious it is to simply be able to carry these children and then to give birth and raise them to be these amazing little people.  I had waited all my life to have children, and now I had them.  And I was done.  I am so grateful I realized this as soon as I did because it helped me to say goodbye to this part of my life in a very healthy way. At H.O.M.E. group a few months before this, a grief counselor had come in to talk about all different kinds of grief and healthy ways to deal with them.  This really helped me to have the tools I needed to recognize this, and to say goodbye to my child bearing years, knowing how special they were to me, and then move forward. To be thankful that despite the struggle, and my miscarriages, I had been blessed with four healthy, happy, children.  Something many families can only dream of.  Even in the midst of all this I had several friends that were dealing with infertility struggles while other were dealing with the loss of their children,  something I can't even fathom.  Some were miscarriages while others infants or toddlers, still to this day I ache for them and their losses, and yet even there in that dark place, the Lord met them.
        In the summer of 2017 we had another significant event happen, we were able to purchase our first home!  Over a couple of months we were in contract, working on buying this home.  It was far from smooth and we ended up having to put a lot of work into the foundation before the sale was even complete, but October 7th we signed the papers and later that week we moved in!  Two miles out of Philomath on 3.7 acres of land, with a large shop for Seth and a shed for me, this rustic little home was made just for us.  We could feel the Lord's favor on us every step of the way, even as "we" dug out dirt from the crawl space hour after hour.   Mikaiah continued to go to Clemens Primary school for first grade and now took the bus to and from school each day. Hurray for buses!

January 2018
Location: Hwy 20, Philomath, OR
Children: Mikaiah 6 1/2, Sequoia 4 1/2, Stirling 2 1/2 and Eowyn 9 months
Job: Red Beard Building LLC
      Life continues, the kids made some big steps in learning to swim while attending lessons at Osborn Aquatic Center, and life in general keeps moving along relatively smoothly.
     In May I made a big change for myself.  I went to Burn Bootcamp Corvallis to attend a free 14 day trial out of the blue and ended up signing a year agreement.  I continued to go faithfully all year long, pushing myself and causing growth in many areas of my life. This has been such a blessing to me, and in turn, to my family.
      Ever since the kids were little my mom has come to visit every Tuesday, driving the hour from McMinnville to spend the day with me.  Well, the first two years or so it was for Bible Quiz practice, she would come early and hang out with me and then lead quiz practice in the afternoon.  When she quite leading Bible Quiz she just kept coming, to the joy of myself and my children.  When my dad was home from working on a ship (he spent 8 weeks on a Navy supply ship, run by merhcant marines, working as a mechanic on one of two helicopters) he would often join us.  Now that he has retired (in Sept. 2019) he still often comes, we love this.  One thing my mom and I started doing in early 2018 was working on jig saw puzzles almost every week, though we take most of the summer off.  I don't know why, but I enjoy this so much.  Sometimes it's the only way I ever see anything get accomplished.  As a mom who cooks and cleans over and over again without results that stick sometimes you just need to do something where you can make head way.
     In the fall Sequoia started Kindergarten at Clemens and Mikaiah started the 2nd grade at Philomath Elementary School.  I decided to spend a year teaching a small preschool at my home for Stirling and some friends children.  We had 6-7 students and it was a fun opportunity to practice my teaching skills once again.   However, a few months in it became quite clear that for Stirling it would work much better if he were in an environment that wasn't his home (everything anyone used was "his" and he was "sharing," even when purchased for the preschool, and with a teacher who wasn't his mom.

January 2019
Location: Hwy 20, Philomath, OR
Children: Mikaiah 7 1/2, Sequoia 5 1/2, Stirling 3 1/2 and Eowyn 1 1/2
Job: Red Beard Building LLC
        So this brings us, finally, to this past year.  This has been one of great growth for us.  Mikaiah started the 3rd grade and is turning into quite the reader, a girl after my own heart.  She loves to rider her bike, play games, and is learning to shoot her bow - just like her papa. Mikaiah also started sewing lessons this year with her Granny (Finley) and is in love with the hobby!  She looks forward to spending this special time with Granny every chance she gets!
    Sequoia also loves playing games and relishes any one on one time she can get out of Seth and I.  She has a great sensee of how things should be and is a naturally organized person - though that doesn't seem to apply to her room! After much prayer and meeting with her teacher we decided to have Sequoia (who only turn 6 in July) to repeat Kindergarten this year.  I have never regretted this decision, it's so clearly what she needed.  She has jumped leaps and bounds from where she was last year.  We're so proud of her.  She's really working on her problem solving skills and learning how to control her anger which seems to come on so strong.  I can see her actively working on changing her behavior.  I know this is hard for her and I love her all the more for it.  It takes a lot of work to change our automatic responses to things, but it is possible.  I think she's finally learning this for herself.
      Stirling, what do I say about this kid?  He's fantastic.  He started Next Steps preschool with his best friend Calvin and is doing great.  Although circle time is not his favorite, sitting still has never been his strong suit.  Stirling has a knack for cutting open his head, it seems to be connected to his not sitting still attributes.  He has now had stitches on his forehead twice and also on his ear.  He has had staples on the back of his head as well as Glue.  When he goes to the ER they give him a stuffed animal and yesterday I heard him say "Next time I'm going to ask for the fox one."  Oh brother! I sure hope there's no next time.  He is one resilient kid.  He's also hilarious, if you need a laugh just hang out with this guy, he'll have you in stitches (hopefully not literally.)
      Eowyn has now completely left the baby stages behind.  With only potty training to finish before leaving toddler hood behind as well.  My baby is growing up too fast, but I'm soaking it in.  Never have I seen someone so quick to smile and easy to laugh.  She brings joy into all our lives and has truly pulled us together as a family, especially her siblings.
      Seth and I celebrated our 10th anniversary this summer.  I never thought I'd marry this guy, but boy am I glad I did.  The Lord knew I needed him in my life.  This fall Seth got the chance to start a major remodel on our kitchen.  It's about 90% done and has been a night and day difference in the functionality of the kitchen.  This is one skilled guy.  He is also one of the hardest working people I know and it's a pleasure to work beside him.  I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for us this next decade.
   
        Before I close I did want to add that there are many significant events that happened over these ten years that I didn't have to time to include.  Most significantly, we said goodbye to many of our grandparents.  My Grandpa LeRoy Stewart, my Grandmother Mildred (Millie) Stewart, Seth's grandpa Willard Finley and my Grandfather Victor E. Bitter.  Each of these wonderful people played a huge roll in our lives and are greatly missed.
          We were also able to go on several great trips to San Diego, Ca , Antioch, Ca and Idaho, along with numerous trips back to our old stomping grounds of Bend, Oregon.  Giving our children the opportunity to know their great granparents, great Aunts and Uncles and other people who have made such an impact in our lives has been a great pleasure.
            And to each of my dear, dear friends who stood with me through thick and thin, who held my hand, made me meals, floated the river with me, camped out it in tents, enjoyed my children with me, reminded me to enjoy time to myself, who prayed for me and loved on me when I was lovable and when I was not...Thank you.  I would not be where I am if it were not for you.
            And to Seth...thank you for being such an unsinkable rock.  I love you.

As for resolutions...Seth and I are doing as many push ups as we can (on toes) every single day.  I am up to 23.  I also am trying to write a little bit every day, whether in my journal, a letter to a friend, or in a blog, doesn't matter....just write, everyday.  And we have decided to be bowlers!  Not great bowlers, just people who bowl.  Usually with our kids, which means with bumpers, which gives us much higher scores than we would normally have.  I for one got a big ol' 118 the other day when I would normally get a 69.  See what I mean? Not good, just fun.  But, we now have bowling shoes and that makes us bowlers.